There was once a man. His name was Baron Baron Jones. Yeah Baron was his title and his first name. He would always be seen about town wearing the finest suits, complete with a top hat and walking cane. A real gentleman. Everyone admired and adored him. He may have been 100 times richer than the common folk, but damn, he was gracious about it. He even gave a sixpence to the town beggars whenever he saw them. Everyone loved the Baron, until he changed. Until he was corrupted.
Everyone wondered the source of the Baron's corruption? Why did such a fine gentlemen turn so evil, so quickly? It happened the day his Grandfather's (who was also called Baron Baron Jones) lost will was found. It should have stayed lost. That day the Baron inherited a family treasure from his deceased Grandfather, the
Mystical Maroon Molecular-morphing Monocle.
The Baron put the monocle on. He did it both to honour his dead Grandfather, and as it was quite a gentlemanly accessory. The Monocle was bound to his face, providing him with new powers and abilities. Those powers included: the speed of a panther, the strength of a bear and the alcohol resistance level of an elephant. Despite these new powers, the Baron could not resist the monocles evil maroon corruption. Since he put it on he was dedicated to one cause: destroying anything that wasn't maroon.
The people in the Baron's town objected heavily to this. Their town was not maroon in the slightest! It would be destroyed... unless a brave hero stepped forth. And so he did. The landlord of the local pub, the Cyan Duck (cyan is maroons greatest enemy) came up with an answer. He brewed the most potent beverage known to man:
Potato vodka. This has been proven to be a very strong drink by many films, such as The Great Escape.
The landlord dressed himself in a cape of maroon, and approached the Baron (who was currently destroying a well made of yellow brick.) He offered the drink to the Baron, who gladly accepted. After all, he had been destroying all day, and this maroon wearing stranger appeared to be pretty friendly. Baron Jones downed the drink in one, and, like an elephant, he resisted its deadly pull. He wasn't even tipsy. The Baron then casually threw the flask to the bottom of the half destroyed well, and moved on to his next target: a book-shop painted blue.
The landlord fell to his knees in despair. He had failed. His town would be destroyed. They say that flask is still at the bottom of that yellow brick well. It could be.
A mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle wins
-
BOOOOM... BOOOOOOOM... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM... That was the sound of the great warrior
E. Honda entering the ring. He, this champion of warriors, had joined a "RPSI Tournament." Honda didn't know what this was. He didn't care. He just wanted to prove his might. With him he had brought his two greatest weapons:
A ghetto-blaster and a whip made of barbed wire. Honda stood at the side of the ring, awaiting his opponent.
VRRRRR VRRRRRRRRRR VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM. E. Honda stared at the source of the strange noise. From the other side of the arena approached a bearded man... the famed moderator
StrangerDanger. He had a rage in his eyes, as if a forest was burning inside his head. His right arm... it was different. It was spinning around furiously, and it shone, reflecting light from the Sun into E. Honda's eyes. His arm was a
working chainsaw.
The two fighters began to circle around the ring, staring each other in the eyes. StrangerDanger revved his chainsaw furiously, and the fumes given off began to blot out the sun. These brave warriors shall fight in the shade.
As StrangerDanger revved his chainsaw, E. Honda placed his ghetto-blaster on the ground and turned on his theme tune. The song that would inspire him to victory.. the song that would end the world.
"BABY YOU'RE ALL THAT I WANT
WHEN YOU'RE LYING HERE IN MY ARMS"
StrangerDanger ignored this new distraction, and charged wildly at E. Honda, his chainsaw revving manically. Just as SD was about to make contact Honda leapt to the side, avoiding a blow which would have surely severed his arm. "Hehhhhh" laughed Honda, with a heavy Japanese accent. As he laughed he cracked his whip fiercely, catching StrangerDanger on the cheek, tearing the skin. One inch higher and SD would be blind in one eye.
"I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BELIEVE
WE'RE IN HEAVEN"
The wound infuriated StrangerDanger... "You will regret this... Edmond Honda." SD revved his chainsaw violently and lunged for Honda's face. Expecting a gush of blood, he was greeted with only a single lock of thick, black hair. Honda had ducked, in the last second.
"OH THINKING ABOUT ALL OUR YOUNGER YEARS
THERE WAS ONLY YOU AND ME
WE WERE YOUNG AND WILD AND FREEE"
As Honda knelt on the floor he lashed his whip towards StrangerDanger's face, but this time his foe was prepared. Catching the whip in left hand, SD ignored the pain of a thousand barbs piercing his palm as he pulled E. Honda towards him. As Honda was pulled up, he was wrapped up in his own whip by the quick hands of SD. He couldn't move... StrangerDanger began to rev his chainsaw again, readying himself for the kill.
"WE'VE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD BEFORE
BUTS THAT'S OVER NOW
YOU KEEP ME COMING BACK FOR MORE"
StrangerDanger raised his deadly blade above Honda's head, and looked the Japanese sumo straight in the eye and said, "Tonight you dine in-"
"SUUUUPER HEADBUTT!"
E. Honda had taken his chance to perform his special attack, the
Super Zutsuki, and it had had devastating effect. As StrangerDanger had taunted his foe, he had been unprepared for a final, desperate, move, and he was met with a clash of foreheads. Honda's thick skull was left undamaged, and SD was left concussed, lying helpless on the floor of the arena.
E. Honda unravelled himself from his barbed wire whip and tied StrangerDanger up in it. Honda wouldn't kill him this man. He would leave him for the vultures.
"AND LOVE IS ALL THAT I NEED
AND I FOUND IT HERE IN YOUR HEART
IT ISN'T TOO HARD TO SEE
WE'RE IN HEAVENNN"
E. Honda carrying a ghetto-blaster and wielding a whip made out of barbed wire wins
-
You walk in to a room and you are met with darkness. Confused, and a little worried, you reach around and eventually find a light switch. You press the switch and the room is suddenly filled with a blinding, piercing light. You realise how small this room is... And how bad it smells.
Then you turn your attention to a table, bag in the centre of the room. It was a standard wooden table, but what was on it made you throw up. Twice. A heart. And a penis.
The heart was clearly from
Blackheart, son of the demon lord Mephisto. Created from centurys of accumalated evil, Blackheart is pure sin. His heart, as his name implies, was as black as the night (almost as black as Isy). As it lay beating on the table, dark purple blood was spewed everywhere. The veins were a lighter purple, and they told a tale of destruction and despair (and an overly descriptive submitter).
Next to the table was a penis, which had been severed from the Pokémon master
Gary Oak. Gary Oak was a true pokémon trainer. He had a fucking Nidoking (I think?) His penis' girth, to put it simply... was incredible. You just couldn't ignore it. So... fascinated... you just had to pick it up. And it felt... odd. Not just odd, it felt fricking disgusting, who picks a penis up off a table anyway? Appalled at yourself you threw it out the window, which then immediately sealed itself (power of Blackheart heh).
You then sit in the corner, left to spend the rest of your days with the pulsing heart of the worlds greatest evil, Blackheart. Who knows, maybe one day one of your organs will lay on that very same table. You can only hope so.
Blackheart's trenchantly lurid heart as it pumps calmly yet powerfully in the froth of battle with Dark Akuma to decide the fate of the world wins
-
"TESTICLE-HA!!" The cry of the Tanuki echoed across the dark cave in which he was trudging through slowly, held back by his huge balls. Tanuki were usually friendly animals, but this one was... angry. He was putting his practice of
Ballsack-Fu to good use. His friends had been captured by a top secret scientific research. Their DNA was apparently vital in the production of a new bomb to be used on the Arabs: testicle enlarging missiles (TSMs). This lone Tanuki wouldn't stand for that. "TESTICLE-HA!!" he cried, as he shattered a locked security door, with a single swipe of his left nut.
As the Tanuki ventured through the dark caverns, he encountered many enemies. He had bigger balls than all of them. Fights nowadays are determined by the size of your balls, and his were like damn watermelons.
Eventually the Tanuki reached the 16th level of the research facility. As he strode into the room he swung his balls around, preparing for battle. When he found his foe... he was surprised! He expected a crazy scientist with many weapons... but instead there was a
sign above a red button. Signs and buttons don't even have balls! This will be an easy fight... or so he thought.
The Tanuki, ignoring the sign's warning, pressed the red button with his balls. He was then granted entrance into the holding cell of his fellow Tanuki. But first... he must be X-rayed.
As he was X-rayed, the radiation got into his balls... and destroyed them. The Tanuki developed testicular cancer, and his greatest weapons were instantly rendered useless. Depressed and distraught, he tried to crush himself under the weight of his balls. But it wouldn't work! The balls would never crush anything again. He released his friends, but his life was ruined. The Tanuki lived out the rest of his life an outcast, a poison-balled outcast.
He should have read the sign.
A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility wins
-
All was calm in Australia. There had been no major catastrophes in a while. The people had recovered from the rodent problem and Steve Irwin's death, but then... but then...
Kristy Haruka got off her flight. Exiled from the USA she had chosen to live in Britain's prison: Australia.
Kristy, at the time, carried about seven different STDs. US government had informed the Australians about this, and they had to take her out.. permanently. Knowing what was at stake, the Australian Secret Services dispatched their most lethal agent to Sydney International Airport.
Kristy got into her hired taxi and asked the man to drive her to a rented flat in Sydney. He drove her far into the outback, and threw her out into the desert. At first Kristy was confused then she just ^__^;; ~~'d it off, and began to walk on.
THUMP THUMP GA THUMP. Kristy turned around and she was face to face with a seven foot tall Kangaroo wearing a suit. This was the Australians secret weapon, a
doped up boxing Kangaroo. In his mouth was a spliff, and he took a deep puff and then blew smoke into her face. Coughing, Kristy smiled at the Kangaroo and said, "Hiyaaa.. whatcha doing here anyway? ^___S;"
The Kangaroo had been warned of this. She would try and tempt him with her 'minge.' What that meant the Kangaroo did not know, but he checked
www.dictionary.com and he was disgusted. The Kangaroo leant back, and gave Kristy a right hook to the jaw. She fell to the ground, dead. Her face changed from ^__^;; to %__% and she breathed her final breath.
A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed wins
-
"Yo dawgs wassup... the Snoops got some new threads y'all heard me?!" You see a black man walking onto a stage, wearing an amazing coat. You know this guy, he is
Snoop Doggy Dogg and oh shit he is wearing Joseph's
Amazing technicolour dreamcoat. This (BAN ME PLEASE) be chillin...
Snoop walked to the front of the stage, and to the screams of fans began to rap...
"SNOOOOOOOOOOOP
SNOOOOOOOOOOOP"
Snoop walked to the edge of the stage, the beats pulsing out...
"WHEN DA PIMP'S IN DA CRIB MA
DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT
DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT
DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT
Snoop Dogg continued to rap, and the fans loved him. One of them... a bit too much. All the crowd stopped as they saw a young boy climb on to the stage and run towards Snoop Dogg screaming "I LOVE YOU SNOOOOOOOP!" This boy was
Junior and he had found CaptKirby's
sugar stash. Thankfully he left the cheese where it was. Bad breath and a sugar high isn't cool. Snoop ignored him and continued his song...
"WHEN THE PIGS TRY TO GET YA
DROP IT LIKES ITS HOT
DROP IT LIKES IT HOT
DROP IT LIKES IT HOT"
On the greatest sugar rush ever, Junior ran towards Snoop, trying to grab him, almost ripping the coat. Snoop wouldn't take that shit. He just paid top dollar for that coat. Snoop stepped back and pulled a gun out his pocket and he shouted at the boy...
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU JUNIOR... THIS IS ABOUT THE COAT... SORRY DAWG."
Snoop fired and Juniors body hit the stage floor like a sack of potatoes. Security took him backstage, Snoop stepped forward again and...
"AND IF A NIGGA GETS ATTITUDE
POP IT LIKES ITS HOT
POP IT LIKES ITS HOT
POP IT LIKES IT HOT"
Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat wins.
-
Despite changing their name to Pasta Hut, Pizza Hut still sells big unhealthy pizzas. One of these is the
Big Sausage Pizza (we will act like it is a normal pizza food porn is dumb). The Big Sausage Pizza is pretty big. Probably too big for a human man to eat. That's exactly what Jones was thinking. He bought this damn pizza for £19.99, and he cannot even eat it! His best knife wasn't strong enough to cut the pizza. It was so... big! If only he had something sharp to cut it with...
Then Jones remembered the
Shoeriken, a sharp star launcher built into a shoe. He got it as a gift from his uncle, Baron Jones. This was before the Baron got possessed by a monocle. What was that all about even? No! No time to think about the Baron. Jones forced his uncle out his mind, and focused on the problem at hand. He then rushed upstairs, and put on his Shoeriken. He walked clumsily downstairs (one foot has nothing and one has a huge metal boot heh) and goes into the kitchen, where the Big Sausage Pizza is lying on the table.
Jones picked up the pizza, threw it into the air and kicked it. His Shoeriken was set to "slices" mode. When the pizza landed back on the table it was in eight slices, each perfectly edible. Jones would not go hungry after all! Jones threw the Shoeriken into the corner, and began to eat the Big Sausage Pizza.
When he finished Jones though to himself, "Fucking extra large I will buy two mediums next time; fuck the Shoeriken." Jones then discarded the Shoeriken, as he would never need it again. Medium Sausage Pizza can be sliced with a knife.
Big Sausage Pizza wins.
-
It was a cold, rainy day in New New York. And this
Wizard of Oz hybrid was a long, long way from home. "There's no place like home, theres no place like home... THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!" The strange man repeated this again and again, clicking his heels together, but nothing happened. "Oh well" he thought, "I have the brains of the scarecrow, the heart of the tinman, the courage of the lion and the goddamn shades of the Wizard. Oh, and Dorothy's shoes. Heh. I'll manage." The man then walked down the street.
"Well lookee here Clamps. We got a new robot in town. Boss ain't gonna like this, thats for sure," said an Italian, slightly mechanic voice, who was watching from the distance. This was Joey Mousepad, of the
Robot Mafia.
"Forget the boss, lets nail him ourselves. I'm a' itching for some clampin'" replied his accomplice,
Clamps.
"No Clamps, the boss may wanna... speak to him hisself. If you know what I mean" said Joey Mousepad, sounding worried.
"Of course I know what you mean you clampin' idiot. Come on lets go, or ill give you the goddamn clamps."
The two robots headed back to their headquarters where they met the godfather of organised robotic crime, the Donbot. He was sat down on an armchair, wearing his standard brown hat and coat. "Whatcha got for me boys?" the Donbot asked.
"Wells boss.. we got some new robot in town... wearing green shades, thinks hes slick stuff... want me to give him the clamps? I'll give him the clamps, I'll do it."
"Clamps, Clamps, take it easy. We don't gotta be givin no one the clamps. Not yet. This guy could be a friend. Bring him to me" the Donbot replied.
"Sure thing boss. Just leave it to us" said Joey. Him and Clamps then left the Boss' headquarters, ready to bring in the new boy in town.
It didn't take long for Joey and Clamps to find the Robot in shades. He was in the town centre, clicking his heels again. Still wearing his shades, he infuriated Clamps. He clearly thought he ran the place. The Robot Mafia runs the place. Clamps and Joey also noticed he wasn't even a robot. He was a damn SCARECROW!"
"Screw the boss. This guy is getting the CLAMPS" Clamps screamed, as he dived towards the Wizard of Oz hybrid. Despite all his good qualities, nothing can stop Clamps when he wants to clamp you. The mans arms were battered and bruised from repetitive clamping, and he ran away, sobbing. The heart from the lion did nothing.
However, when Clamps and Joey Mousepad returned to the boss, he was mad.
"I told you numbskulls to BRING the guy to me, not clamp him and scare him off! We coulda recruited him damnit!"
"But.... the shades.... he was askin for the clamps, he 'ad it coming Boss, he did" said Clamps.
"Enough excuses. Get out my sight boys. I dunno if I can work with you two again."
And only two blocks away, using a comibation of the Wizards intelligence and the Scarecrows brain, the tin scarecrow was plotting his revenge... He would punish the mafia who humiliated him...
A scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades wins