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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
I need to get this off my chest.
I've been playing pokemon casually for years, but wasn't really good enough to get reqs... until today. That's when I got reqs for the SV ZU Oricorio-F suspect.
I was happy for two hours or so, then it hit me hard as I slowly realized I had no one to celebrate it with. I want to learn German, hopefully get a better job, and live on my own. I understand a suspect test of all things is nothing compared to the aforementioned, but I hope to dear god this is not a sign of things to come.
Celebrating your achievements with others as well as being happy and proud of others is such a powerful tool for cultivating relationships, and I just want to have this in my life as well.
I've been playing pokemon casually for years, but wasn't really good enough to get reqs... until today. That's when I got reqs for the SV ZU Oricorio-F suspect.
I was happy for two hours or so, then it hit me hard as I slowly realized I had no one to celebrate it with. I want to learn German, hopefully get a better job, and live on my own. I understand a suspect test of all things is nothing compared to the aforementioned, but I hope to dear god this is not a sign of things to come.
Celebrating your achievements with others as well as being happy and proud of others is such a powerful tool for cultivating relationships, and I just want to have this in my life as well.
Narrator: little did he know that one month later…
…it’d be EVEN WORSE.
This world, I swear.
Hello, everyone. I want to talk about something that means a lot to me, and I’m looking to see if this really means as much as I think it does or if I’ve been spending the majority of my time trying to force something to happen when it doesn’t need to.
So, context. I grew up as the youngest of three siblings, and while I would like to call myself generally pretty successful up to this point in my life, I’ve always associated my success with the overwhelming amount of help, support, and effort I’ve gotten from other people who want me to be able to succeed in life, whatever that means, and I recognize a lot of people in my career field haven’t had those kinds of opportunities I’ve had. This isn’t quite what this post is about, though.
You see, during this time, I started realizing I was becoming very dependent on other people, quickly starting to think I’ll never be independent, responsible, and mature without something or someone being there for me all the time. This led to two things: a long period of self-hatred that’s still ongoing to this day and fluctuates in intensity, and more importantly for this post, wanting to have something to call my own.
I’ve posted about my love for the Pokémon Ranger games countless times here and in the YouTube comment section(s), which at this time are the only two places I feel comfortable posting stuff. But really, all my love for Guardian Signs and the first two games was is a “special interest”, as they may call it in the autistic community.The game’s all about drawing and spinning the Styler in circles, it’s perfect! As the story goes, my attachment for these games would only grow as time went on and I slowly became more dissatisfied with the core series and lack of new real spin-offs (that is to say, none of that mobile garbage), especially during the Switch era. At first glance it would seem that’s it, then. Even though there’s a lot of stuff I missed out on from the DS/Wii era, those games are what I was looking for all along. Something I can love and come back to on my own. Except… not really…
Here’s my problem and why I wanted to post about this, right. I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with a lot of the stuff our generation is known for. Phone culture, long distance relationships, lots of newer media, things like that. When I first started really using the Internet in 2014-15 or whenever the heck it was, one of the first things that caught my eye was when people would tell stories about the times and the things they were nostalgic for. That’s great and all, but these kinds of “trips down memory lane” always felt like they were taking place between groups of people with similar interests and, eventually, it hit me. I never really felt like, and arguably still feel like I don’t belong as a member of this community here on Smogon or as a Pokémon fan in general. Can I even call myself either of those things? Not only did I miss out on most of the hype trains and 95 percent of limited time events for what I would call my favorite games-yes, even the Ranger events, I’ve only played two of them plus the untimed Manaphy one from the first game- but the specific things I like and the people I would like to share them with always felt limited in some way, whether that be personal shyness online or because not very many people here talk about these topics, and because of that I still never feel like I can call anything in this franchise or in my personal life “my own”.
That’s just it, though. Does it really matter? I could have a first edition Japanese sealed in-box copy of my favorite video game ever made. I could have played through the game and its predecessors seven times each. I could frame my entire public profile around this and show up to some kind of cosplay event for good measure. And all for what? What exactly would this accomplish? “Oh, cool, I can call myself the biggest fan of an obscure spin-off game that I’ve ever met before”. Becoming borderline addicted to these things- and these kinds of thoughts I’ve been having- isn’t particularly useful or helpful to me, and it’s not like this would be any better if it were the core series games, either- in fact, that might actually make it worse. I just feel stuck- on one hand, I basically have nothing I can call my own that I can also enjoy with a larger group of people, but on the other hand I’m just attached enough to what I grew up on and the people I’ve met that I’m afraid to take new risks, make new friends, and take some of those next steps in a young man’s life.
It’s taken me this long to actually start working in my field, so that’s good that I’m finally here, but, like… now what? I don’t ever see myself being in a relationship or getting married. I have no idea where I’m going to live or who I’m going to live with. I’ve tried basing my online identity around works of fiction that don’t even interest me that much anymore. And even if I was still interested in what all I liked as a kid, none of that would strictly make me a nicer, more responsible and independent young adult that I need to be right now. So, I’ll ask all of you. What in the world, if anything, am I supposed to do all about this? Does it really matter at all if I choose to keep being a video game fan and by extension a Pokémon fan? Does it really matter what games I do play and what consoles I play on? How does any of this affect what should be the main focus of my life as a young adult in his early 20s right now? My career might be heading in the right direction, sure, but everything else either feels like it’s stuck in place or actively going backwards.
So, context. I grew up as the youngest of three siblings, and while I would like to call myself generally pretty successful up to this point in my life, I’ve always associated my success with the overwhelming amount of help, support, and effort I’ve gotten from other people who want me to be able to succeed in life, whatever that means, and I recognize a lot of people in my career field haven’t had those kinds of opportunities I’ve had. This isn’t quite what this post is about, though.
You see, during this time, I started realizing I was becoming very dependent on other people, quickly starting to think I’ll never be independent, responsible, and mature without something or someone being there for me all the time. This led to two things: a long period of self-hatred that’s still ongoing to this day and fluctuates in intensity, and more importantly for this post, wanting to have something to call my own.
I’ve posted about my love for the Pokémon Ranger games countless times here and in the YouTube comment section(s), which at this time are the only two places I feel comfortable posting stuff. But really, all my love for Guardian Signs and the first two games was is a “special interest”, as they may call it in the autistic community.
Here’s my problem and why I wanted to post about this, right. I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with a lot of the stuff our generation is known for. Phone culture, long distance relationships, lots of newer media, things like that. When I first started really using the Internet in 2014-15 or whenever the heck it was, one of the first things that caught my eye was when people would tell stories about the times and the things they were nostalgic for. That’s great and all, but these kinds of “trips down memory lane” always felt like they were taking place between groups of people with similar interests and, eventually, it hit me. I never really felt like, and arguably still feel like I don’t belong as a member of this community here on Smogon or as a Pokémon fan in general. Can I even call myself either of those things? Not only did I miss out on most of the hype trains and 95 percent of limited time events for what I would call my favorite games-yes, even the Ranger events, I’ve only played two of them plus the untimed Manaphy one from the first game- but the specific things I like and the people I would like to share them with always felt limited in some way, whether that be personal shyness online or because not very many people here talk about these topics, and because of that I still never feel like I can call anything in this franchise or in my personal life “my own”.
That’s just it, though. Does it really matter? I could have a first edition Japanese sealed in-box copy of my favorite video game ever made. I could have played through the game and its predecessors seven times each. I could frame my entire public profile around this and show up to some kind of cosplay event for good measure. And all for what? What exactly would this accomplish? “Oh, cool, I can call myself the biggest fan of an obscure spin-off game that I’ve ever met before”. Becoming borderline addicted to these things- and these kinds of thoughts I’ve been having- isn’t particularly useful or helpful to me, and it’s not like this would be any better if it were the core series games, either- in fact, that might actually make it worse. I just feel stuck- on one hand, I basically have nothing I can call my own that I can also enjoy with a larger group of people, but on the other hand I’m just attached enough to what I grew up on and the people I’ve met that I’m afraid to take new risks, make new friends, and take some of those next steps in a young man’s life.
It’s taken me this long to actually start working in my field, so that’s good that I’m finally here, but, like… now what? I don’t ever see myself being in a relationship or getting married. I have no idea where I’m going to live or who I’m going to live with. I’ve tried basing my online identity around works of fiction that don’t even interest me that much anymore. And even if I was still interested in what all I liked as a kid, none of that would strictly make me a nicer, more responsible and independent young adult that I need to be right now. So, I’ll ask all of you. What in the world, if anything, am I supposed to do all about this? Does it really matter at all if I choose to keep being a video game fan and by extension a Pokémon fan? Does it really matter what games I do play and what consoles I play on? How does any of this affect what should be the main focus of my life as a young adult in his early 20s right now? My career might be heading in the right direction, sure, but everything else either feels like it’s stuck in place or actively going backwards.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/End-of-history_illusion
People underestimate how much they will change. Nothing in the future is certain, maybe you'll meet your future spouse or longterm partner through your hobbies or live with a friend or become obsessed w language learning or w.e.
If you're having a hard time w next steps I recommend seeking advice/insight from a professional or if that is out of reach, someone who has the life that you (think that you) want.
There is no authoritative criteria. You sound like you have what is called impostor syndrome. The truth is that you don't need to do anything to justify who you are or what you love. The way you are and the way you love what you love is valid already. There is nothing for you to prove.
I've come back.
I couldn't help it. I loved this series since I was young, and there's only so many times you can play through the games again before you want a real challenge. I started small with RBY, got to about the top 200s on ladder and feel pretty confident about tours in there. GSC is iffy, just because it's so hard to get good games, and DPP as much as I hate that format despite it being my favorite gen, I'm at the cusp of about top 500 in there, too, but have no interest in participating in tours there. I feel good.
I made some RBY buds on discord I think. We talk. It's all cool.
I got back into ADV, and I don't know why, but even though that's the first of the OUs I start to have problems with, I have an urge to be dominant there. I want to succeed. I want to prove to myself I can do it, and prove all the people who used to pick on me wrong.
So, getting a tutor recently, I got back on the grind, and I started to play more, and eventually the time came where I was invited to a server to do some scouting for opponents on tours, and it really gave me anxiety going back in there; the people that don't like me are still there, still very active, and I just want to stay my distance. However, curiousity got the better of me, and I looked to see through the past messages on the server if I had been talked about.
And, unsuprisingly, people haven't forgotten about me. They still talk about me.
I'll be completely honest; I've done and said a lot of stupid shit in places like Mushi League or wherever I've been wherever I'm talked about. I've gotten a reputation for being a dumbass, and it's my fault. I don't think the other side is completely innocent either, in fact I feel people really fueled the fire over there.
Some of the stuff I don't even remember because I was too angry at the moment and might have blocked it out or pushed it all aside and bundled it together with all the other bad experiences I've had here, and never really reflected. I've done stuff like demand ELO from PS staff because my internet was shit one night and I lost too many games from disconnections, I've been hostile at people giving me advice, and probably other things I can't even remember. I'm no saint.
I wish I could reset. I don't know if it's even possible given how much I've tried to move past it, but it brings back bad memories and a lot of tears because I feel like a shitty person and maybe I don't deserve to be in this community still. I had a really, really rough last 4 months of 2024. Probably the worst of my life. Got fired from my job and my dog drowned in October, girlfriend cheated on me twice and my best friends backstabbed and blackmailed me in November, and I attempted suicide in December. I remember around that time I had been getting a lot of shit and spitting a lot of venom. It wasn't great.
No excuses for my behavior, but, I wish I could start over. I wish I could also find an ADV community, any other community besides the ones I have that I don't need to be afraid of, or feel any kind of anger towards people for what they had done to me before.
I couldn't help it. I loved this series since I was young, and there's only so many times you can play through the games again before you want a real challenge. I started small with RBY, got to about the top 200s on ladder and feel pretty confident about tours in there. GSC is iffy, just because it's so hard to get good games, and DPP as much as I hate that format despite it being my favorite gen, I'm at the cusp of about top 500 in there, too, but have no interest in participating in tours there. I feel good.
I made some RBY buds on discord I think. We talk. It's all cool.
I got back into ADV, and I don't know why, but even though that's the first of the OUs I start to have problems with, I have an urge to be dominant there. I want to succeed. I want to prove to myself I can do it, and prove all the people who used to pick on me wrong.
So, getting a tutor recently, I got back on the grind, and I started to play more, and eventually the time came where I was invited to a server to do some scouting for opponents on tours, and it really gave me anxiety going back in there; the people that don't like me are still there, still very active, and I just want to stay my distance. However, curiousity got the better of me, and I looked to see through the past messages on the server if I had been talked about.
And, unsuprisingly, people haven't forgotten about me. They still talk about me.
I'll be completely honest; I've done and said a lot of stupid shit in places like Mushi League or wherever I've been wherever I'm talked about. I've gotten a reputation for being a dumbass, and it's my fault. I don't think the other side is completely innocent either, in fact I feel people really fueled the fire over there.
Some of the stuff I don't even remember because I was too angry at the moment and might have blocked it out or pushed it all aside and bundled it together with all the other bad experiences I've had here, and never really reflected. I've done stuff like demand ELO from PS staff because my internet was shit one night and I lost too many games from disconnections, I've been hostile at people giving me advice, and probably other things I can't even remember. I'm no saint.
I wish I could reset. I don't know if it's even possible given how much I've tried to move past it, but it brings back bad memories and a lot of tears because I feel like a shitty person and maybe I don't deserve to be in this community still. I had a really, really rough last 4 months of 2024. Probably the worst of my life. Got fired from my job and my dog drowned in October, girlfriend cheated on me twice and my best friends backstabbed and blackmailed me in November, and I attempted suicide in December. I remember around that time I had been getting a lot of shit and spitting a lot of venom. It wasn't great.
No excuses for my behavior, but, I wish I could start over. I wish I could also find an ADV community, any other community besides the ones I have that I don't need to be afraid of, or feel any kind of anger towards people for what they had done to me before.
You can't reset, but you can change. Arguably, that's better than a reset because you have the knowledge and wisdom to avoid your previous circumstances. As long as you can make choices, you can change.
I'm glad you decided to keep living.
Even still, the damage is done and I'm always going to be hearing about it. It hurts me.
Starting over is overrated.
Now rebuilding - that is difficult. Necessary and rewarding if you think of it as “painting the forth bridge” - i.e. never done.
I’m sorry for the awful time you have gone through.
Now rebuilding - that is difficult. Necessary and rewarding if you think of it as “painting the forth bridge” - i.e. never done.
I’m sorry for the awful time you have gone through.
It will hurt. But I hope that pain can be used as a guard rail to prevent you from becoming the person you don't want to be. Over time, the person people know you today will be way more important than the degrading memories and stories of a past. Especially if the person you become, the person you are is very different than the person they vaguely remember.
I recently started with Warhammer and it genuinely has such a positive effect on my mental
Building the minis is very calming, kitbashing and painting allows for quite a lot of expression and is also very calming, just being in the store and talking and playing with people is wonderful
I'd recommend it to people if they just want something that's peaceful and social. It's pricey obviously, but getting the minis used and starting with killteam is actually quite affordable.
Building the minis is very calming, kitbashing and painting allows for quite a lot of expression and is also very calming, just being in the store and talking and playing with people is wonderful
I'd recommend it to people if they just want something that's peaceful and social. It's pricey obviously, but getting the minis used and starting with killteam is actually quite affordable.
I feel like I need to post a short update on my mental health, especially since I don't view Smogon as social media (for multiple reasons that go outside the scope, but I'll go into detail below)
I feel like I'm posting here with my real ego, however, I feel like I have also been assigned a virtual ego, composed of my presence on social media such as Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. Anyway, I read a book that expands on this idea, and focuses on how scrolling, constantly new information, and psychological effects like FOMO and short posts can severely affect your mental health, with high risk drug-like consequences. The amount of likes or karma you get on a post, the need to feel superior, acknowledged, getting filters in order to build your GHOSTLY virtual presence (furthermore, the author introduces the idea of anti metalepsis, where the world of the virtual, which you created, bounces back to you like Hatterene bounces back SR, and starts having more and more of an effect on your physical and mental health as you go in order to feed your virtual identity)
And i just had an episode of browsing r/GenZ and their male loneliness epidemic threads... wow I'm addicted to mental flagellation. I just think this is not the real me... I'm not supposed to act like this. When I was 12, I deserved to have a community where I could grow, learn and become a functional adult, if school couldn't do it since I was being bullied there. But this option did not exist because I grew up in a village, we were poor, and my dad did not want to move out to a more urban area.
Now I connected back to my real self, and I think I can join the real world. The internet and social media really caused me a lot of damage and mental health issues. Obviously this doesn't mean I will stop using it or playing video games for example since i play showdown in a recreational way and I don't see it as an addiction.
However, scrolling is an addiction for me, as well as the state of misery, many aspects of the internet, and social media. I just want to have friends and lovers in my life, and for this i will put work into myself, a thing I never liked doing until I realized why... i felt possessed by myself, or more specifically, my virtual identity. Hence the "selling your soul" accolade I gave.
I feel like I'm posting here with my real ego, however, I feel like I have also been assigned a virtual ego, composed of my presence on social media such as Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. Anyway, I read a book that expands on this idea, and focuses on how scrolling, constantly new information, and psychological effects like FOMO and short posts can severely affect your mental health, with high risk drug-like consequences. The amount of likes or karma you get on a post, the need to feel superior, acknowledged, getting filters in order to build your GHOSTLY virtual presence (furthermore, the author introduces the idea of anti metalepsis, where the world of the virtual, which you created, bounces back to you like Hatterene bounces back SR, and starts having more and more of an effect on your physical and mental health as you go in order to feed your virtual identity)
And i just had an episode of browsing r/GenZ and their male loneliness epidemic threads... wow I'm addicted to mental flagellation. I just think this is not the real me... I'm not supposed to act like this. When I was 12, I deserved to have a community where I could grow, learn and become a functional adult, if school couldn't do it since I was being bullied there. But this option did not exist because I grew up in a village, we were poor, and my dad did not want to move out to a more urban area.
Now I connected back to my real self, and I think I can join the real world. The internet and social media really caused me a lot of damage and mental health issues. Obviously this doesn't mean I will stop using it or playing video games for example since i play showdown in a recreational way and I don't see it as an addiction.
However, scrolling is an addiction for me, as well as the state of misery, many aspects of the internet, and social media. I just want to have friends and lovers in my life, and for this i will put work into myself, a thing I never liked doing until I realized why... i felt possessed by myself, or more specifically, my virtual identity. Hence the "selling your soul" accolade I gave.
Building things generally is a really good use of one’s time. I build model trains/boats/sci fi starships, after a childhood in which Warhammer, Airfix, Meccano, K’nex, Lego and other building toys and kits featured heavily. When it’s all going right, it can be really fulfilling and almost always gets me out of the “funk”.
I love the trains. As someone who has a special place in his heart for Rev. W. Awdry's Railway Series and Thomas the Tank Engine, these are awesome to see.
Who's ikap?
Oooo! Gordon and Big City Engine! :D
Beautiful stuff, man. Do you use them on tracks at all or are they for display only?
Currently just display but I have plans for a future layout (which is built but is dismantled at the moment).
The loco on the left is Humorist, a Gresley A3 Pacific in its 1940s livery and form.
Gordon on the right is a much loved conversion I did for myself so I could run a favourite childhood character that wouldn’t look out of place in a realistic setting.
It’s the little things….
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where people claim they want to make plans but when suggestions get brought up, they’re immediately shot down because someone doesn’t “agree” with these opinions? If you have, congratulations! You have discovered the entire reason I’ve hated making decisions for so long. There’s no particular reason I’m posting this today of all the random days… okay, that’s a lie, but I do think there’s some merit to finding out what people really think of us depending on how they respond to what we say.
Growing up I’ve always had a somewhat irrational fear of making “the wrong decisions” based on what my brain manages to convince me other people want, and since I have a tendency to want to listen to other people more than myself, I’d like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at picking up on my family and my friends’ “signals” of sorts when they’re upset. The part that really bothers me is when people try and play it off like they’re “fine” when everything about the situation suggests otherwise.
I’ve had a pretty bad week overall, and that’s in large part because I think a lot of people I am around are either forgetting or ignoring (or both) that it’s okay to give people some feelings of reassurance every now and then. I think a lot of people around my age group especially are pretty prideful when it comes to what they believe in and think, and this sucks because I think we’d all be a lot happier if we actually respected each other more and didn’t subconsciously demand 100% perfection from one another. Just for the sake of this post, I’ve always thought the idea of education systems has had something to do with that…
Growing up I’ve always had a somewhat irrational fear of making “the wrong decisions” based on what my brain manages to convince me other people want, and since I have a tendency to want to listen to other people more than myself, I’d like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at picking up on my family and my friends’ “signals” of sorts when they’re upset. The part that really bothers me is when people try and play it off like they’re “fine” when everything about the situation suggests otherwise.
I’ve had a pretty bad week overall, and that’s in large part because I think a lot of people I am around are either forgetting or ignoring (or both) that it’s okay to give people some feelings of reassurance every now and then. I think a lot of people around my age group especially are pretty prideful when it comes to what they believe in and think, and this sucks because I think we’d all be a lot happier if we actually respected each other more and didn’t subconsciously demand 100% perfection from one another. Just for the sake of this post, I’ve always thought the idea of education systems has had something to do with that…
Mind blowing lack of humanity in two very specific countries at the minute, enacting what is a very obvious genocide.
If you’re not mentally affected by the sight of starving children, or children blown to pieces, or the general move towards literal concentration camps, then I question whether we work on the same plane of reality as it is absolutely destroying my humanity watching all of this happen on the news in real time.
Just incredible how 2024 and 2025 have led up to this.
For the record, Free Palestine.
If you’re not mentally affected by the sight of starving children, or children blown to pieces, or the general move towards literal concentration camps, then I question whether we work on the same plane of reality as it is absolutely destroying my humanity watching all of this happen on the news in real time.
Just incredible how 2024 and 2025 have led up to this.
For the record, Free Palestine.
Despite everything I do. Despite doing my best at all time. Despite always trying to bring joy around me, and be the best version of myself.
Despite everything, I have this unexplicable feeling of being a terrible person. I have a feeling of not doing things correctly, and that I'll never able to reach the objectives I have. This can easily explain why my mental has been so poor for the last couple of months. I tend to mask it very efficiently, so much so that even close relatives can't even realize it, but when everything is calm around me, I can feel it deep inside me.
I don't know what to do to calm that.
Despite everything, I have this unexplicable feeling of being a terrible person. I have a feeling of not doing things correctly, and that I'll never able to reach the objectives I have. This can easily explain why my mental has been so poor for the last couple of months. I tend to mask it very efficiently, so much so that even close relatives can't even realize it, but when everything is calm around me, I can feel it deep inside me.
I don't know what to do to calm that.
Today is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to wanting to throw in the towel and leave this community for good. I’m done always feeling like I’m wrong about everything and letting my autistic ADHD OCD brain be manipulated so easily regardless of if people are aware of what they’re doing. I’ve spoken about my mental wellness issues and my ongoing fight with my Pokémon addiction (and also my phone addiction) I’m willing to admit I have, and I really do think the sooner I get out of here and never look back, the higher chance there is I can maybe salvage some of my old self.
Trying to be better passionate about my long list of unpopular opinions was my first mistake. Trying to act like I ever belonged in this community was my second mistake. And we all know what happens at Strike Three. Today’s Pokémon Presents proved something to me. Not only will I feel like I’m being ridiculed or sometimes even mocked for bringing up what I felt in my heart are good, healthy points to mention, but even in the rare chance where I do know what the heck I’m talking about, it doesn’t amount to anything because I’m still miserable behind the scenes and get unusually upset with basically everything these days that I don’t agree with.
What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t trust myself, and I don’t think I can be trusted either. I’ve managed to convince myself and subsequently prove I’ll never be as mature or independent as other people want me to be. I don’t even know what I want out of my own life anymore. One thing’s for sure, continuing to waste my time and energy with this site will only stress me out more and more when that’s the last thing my depression needs. Because that’s all I am. An addicted, depressed mess of a human being whose quality of life is honestly really good but I struggle to appreciate any of it because I can’t help but keep complaining over and over and over again. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence anymore. I want to blame myself for letting myself get to this point. All of that because I wanted to feel like I belonged in a community. A real community.
I did this to myself, yes, but I also blame the Pokémon franchise and the Internet for allowing that to happen. I should have quit the franchise when I had the chance, but I felt peer pressured into getting the past two or three new games and did it all so other people would have someone to play and talk with. Think of it this way. What am I realistically gaining from posting anything anymore? Let alone posting this? I don’t want appreciated. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it. I’m not doing this for clicks or follows or anything. In fact, attention would only make me feel worse. The only purpose I serve in this community is trying to make people happy when I know deep down I’m just trying to be who I’ve always been. Someone who only cares about himself. Someone who has always caused more problems than I’ve helped to fix. Who told me I’m such a horrible person, you might ask? I did. This was all me. None of you ever told me any such lies. And I know my brain well enough to know that if or when someone tries to tell me what a good person I am, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. I’ve been told too many times I’m a bad listener, after all. And that’s true, too.
Trying to be better passionate about my long list of unpopular opinions was my first mistake. Trying to act like I ever belonged in this community was my second mistake. And we all know what happens at Strike Three. Today’s Pokémon Presents proved something to me. Not only will I feel like I’m being ridiculed or sometimes even mocked for bringing up what I felt in my heart are good, healthy points to mention, but even in the rare chance where I do know what the heck I’m talking about, it doesn’t amount to anything because I’m still miserable behind the scenes and get unusually upset with basically everything these days that I don’t agree with.
What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t trust myself, and I don’t think I can be trusted either. I’ve managed to convince myself and subsequently prove I’ll never be as mature or independent as other people want me to be. I don’t even know what I want out of my own life anymore. One thing’s for sure, continuing to waste my time and energy with this site will only stress me out more and more when that’s the last thing my depression needs. Because that’s all I am. An addicted, depressed mess of a human being whose quality of life is honestly really good but I struggle to appreciate any of it because I can’t help but keep complaining over and over and over again. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence anymore. I want to blame myself for letting myself get to this point. All of that because I wanted to feel like I belonged in a community. A real community.
I did this to myself, yes, but I also blame the Pokémon franchise and the Internet for allowing that to happen. I should have quit the franchise when I had the chance, but I felt peer pressured into getting the past two or three new games and did it all so other people would have someone to play and talk with. Think of it this way. What am I realistically gaining from posting anything anymore? Let alone posting this? I don’t want appreciated. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it. I’m not doing this for clicks or follows or anything. In fact, attention would only make me feel worse. The only purpose I serve in this community is trying to make people happy when I know deep down I’m just trying to be who I’ve always been. Someone who only cares about himself. Someone who has always caused more problems than I’ve helped to fix. Who told me I’m such a horrible person, you might ask? I did. This was all me. None of you ever told me any such lies. And I know my brain well enough to know that if or when someone tries to tell me what a good person I am, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. I’ve been told too many times I’m a bad listener, after all. And that’s true, too.
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