Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Mr.E]

It's been a while, hello Depression thread.

All in all, I'm really doing quite well of recent because I made a new friend for the first time since high school. Like, actual friend that likes to hang out and do stuff, not friendly acquaintance who forgets I exist as soon as we stop interacting in the usual context or Internet friends who are usually nameless and faceless and voiceless. End of October, start of November may have been the best few weeks I've had in my adult life. 2020 then sucker punched me on the way out by taking my job from me literally on December 30, but surprisingly I was able to find work relatively quickly this time. The job is slightly worse -- about the same pay but I like it less and the commute blows -- but I suppose beggars can't be choosers and my finances are no worse for the wear. Anyway, I made a friend and it feels good to actually be wanted for once in my life. Now if I could just find romance too...

As for why I'm posting again, I lost one of my two cats last month if anyone else has happens to view the Cats thread. I just suddenly lost his brother today as well, so I'm rather grieving right now and just kinda feeling down about it all. My dog's been missing since Friday as well and, though a few years ago he did go missing for six days once only to be found and returned, I'm not going to automatically assume he'll make it this time. I may have gone from three pets to zero in the span of a month.

My mother didn't want us to get more pets after these boys passed, so if she doesn't change her mind about that it'd be the first time I've ever been without at least one pet in my life for any substantial length of time. (I've been alone briefly between other pets in the past, of course.) I'm not in good enough financial position to consider moving out yet, that's probably another year or two away which I want to do anyway for more career and social opportunities, but I myself have wondered whether or not I want to continue having pets in my life. I think a lot of it is that I've been lonely for a long time on the human front and as much as I've loved my cuddly critters over the years, they're just no substitute for another human. But also I wouldn't necessarily mind not having hair all over everything all the time or saving the cost of care over time. Maybe the recent heartache too, but I realize that's ultimately an inevitability of life and I would do well to remember the good times I had with them rather than dwell on the loss.

I know my problems don't really compare to other recent posts here, I'm just grieving.

 

[Lily]

didn't want to come here again but venting elsewhere isn't rlly doing it for me

tw: mild suicide mentions

I guess this one's kinda mild and maybe I shouldn't be complaining about it considering how bad things have been in the past relative to now. But I'm pretty sure it's the textbook definition of depression so why not, here goes.

For the past... I don't know at this stage but it's been a few years, I've noticeably become more numb to emotion as a whole. I don't really experience massive lows like I used to, but nothing really makes me happy either. I just feel permanently empty and aimless. I don't have any motivation to do like... anything, I just sit here grinding the shit out of whatever it is I do on here because it distracts me from the things I'm actually supposed to be doing that I can't motivate myself to do. I can't work up the interest to start any schoolwork or passion projects for the few things I have a genuine interest in and at this stage I kind of feel like the only reason I do things here is because I'm addicted to whatever dopamine hit I get from feeling like I did something good. Couple everything I've just said with my previous post in this thread about hating my home life, general dysphoria problems etc and you've got a life that isn't really being lived at all, just me kinda coasting along and letting things happen because I don't have any will to die. It's weird. I don't want to kill myself, I certainly don't want to die, but I also don't want to be alive either so it's like what do I do??

Despite all of this, I seem outwardly fine. My grades are doing mostly okay, I'm able to keep up a positive facade and nobody thinks anything is wrong until I go and post suicidal rants at 4 in the morning. I've tried talking to my parents about the fact that I'm depressed and they just kinda... didn't comment, and it hasn't come up since. This was about 2 months ago and I think they just don't care. I don't really know where to go for help, I don't have much contact outside of my family since I haven't actually set foot on my university campus ever and all my high school friends are off doing who knows what so I'm just kinda here.

I'm lost, I guess. Not sure how I can fix that if ever, but that's how it is.

maybe random but I don't see myself getting other opportunities to do this so I wanted to tack on an apology to just about everyone I've beefed with on here at one point or another. I don't want to be on bad terms with anyone and I certainly don't want to make anyone's life harder than it needs to be, particularly in the world's current state. whether it was for a petty reason or something bigger, I'm sorry if I've ever talked shit, said things I shouldn't have or whatever else, and if you ever want to make amends then please don't hesitate to reach out. if you're reading this, you know who you are. thank you for reading my big ol wall of text. i didn't proofread or whatever so sorry if it's sloppy

 

[Rabia]

Hide

This is gonna be an attempt at putting into words how I've felt for the past several months or so; these aren't feelings I haven't felt before, but at a point it's just tiresome having to engage with the same struggles once again.

I'm lost. Like, mentally I don't know what to do or where to go at this point. There are a lot of reasons for this.

The biggest issue I'm running into lately is I just have no motivation to do anything outside of go to the basketball court and turn my brain off for an hour or so. I don't give a fuck about school; I don't care about my health; I just feel done. I've dealt with significant bouts of depression and anxiety for nearly eight years at this point and exhausted just about every option that I feasibly can. I've been on meds; I've gone to therapy; I've battled it on my own to avoid bringing my friends down too. It's really tiring because nothing works, and perhaps the most aggravating part about it is my professors either being incredibly oblivious to the point I'm trying to make to them---I'm not well---or picking up on it and just saying I should see a therapist despite me saying "no, I've done it several times and had no success." It's quite infuriating to feel like you're speaking to a brick wall, especially when who you're speaking to theoretically should be able to give you more guidance than "lol talk to a professional XD!"

And this next part is me just voicing again issues I've mentioned in the past, but relationship anxiety is still beating the hell out of me. I guess I've just severely underestimated how actually traumatized I was from my last two relationships, but I'm at this really awful spot where I both would not mind getting in a relationship again but also am horrified at the thought of even attempting it because I just really don't feel like reexperiencing the awfulness I did 2--6 years ago. Gaslighting? Not fun! Emotional abuse? Sucks! Being sexually exploited? No thank you! It's shit because I obviously still catch feelings for people and desire the intimacy that comes from being in a romantic relationship, but at the same time I don't want to let myself be that vulnerable ever again. And sure, maybe this is just wishful thinking anyhow given no one has actively sought me out and I sure as hell haven't tried to make moves on someone either, but that inner conflict between my desires to both stay safe but have that sort of deep emotional connection with someone is constantly bothering me and certainly not helping out the other issues I'm dealing with.

It's not even that I want to kill myself. I'm really just tired of fighting a battle that feels unwinnable. Maybe I'm just stuck in a routine that I've been doing for too long and need to add some variation to my life; I don't know lol. We'll see where life takes me throughout the rest of this year I guess.

 

[rineko]

been on this site for 6 years and on showdown for nearly 8, and im not really surprised id make a post here at some point. truth be told im just using this thread to vent out feelings, but i feel theyre appropriate and ive just been very dull for the past few years, also im sorry if this reads very rambly i just wanna get this out

Spoiler

for the past few years ive just not known what to do with myself. when i was in hs, i didnt know what i wanted to do past it, where i wanted to go, like i had an idea to go to uni or college because thats what a lot of people around me did, but i didnt know what program to do because i didnt know what i wanted to be. for the most part i didnt really have to deal with it because i had a good and wide variety of friends, and id talk to them often at school, but id also only talk to them at school and never past that because i never cared enough to have a phone, and so i didnt use social media or share contacts with any of them. so essentially it was like id live two separate lives, the one that goes to school, and the one thats at home looking at internet or playing video games all day, that second life isnt bad at all right? and thats what i thought too, since i did enjoy doing those things, but im also enjoying them less and less.

as i established before, i had a wide variety of friends, however i never really got that close with most of them. id attribute most of that due to how i perceived myself as being stigmatized due to how teachers would treat me. for whatever bloody reason i was diagnosed with mild aspergers, and i hate disclosing this because its only mild so i dont show that many characteristics of it, but that diagnosis is what made the difference between teachers and school staff from treating me like a regular person to treating me as if i never developed my social skills beyond a toddler. obviously i dont have the best social skills in the world but i fucking know shit, and so whenever a teacher or someone treats me differently i just get so damn demotivated it makes me feel like shit, and makes me think i cant connect with others because i think they see me so differently, which i think is a contributing factor as to why i didnt get as close as id have liked with a lot of my friends. then in my last year of hs, one of my closest friends moved, and since its the last year of hs everyone is too busy talking about their grades or what program in whatever uni they got into, i just couldnt fit in with them, i got tired of it, and it reminded me of how aimless i am.

now we advance about two years and even tho im in college i still dont know what i want to do after. i thought things were looking up for me, i had few plans for the summer after my first year but covid happened. at first i joked about how i was basically unaffected by it since i hardly went outside anyways but being locked indoors for a year straight minus a few odd days is not even close to healthy for anyone. days would go by, nothing changed, i didnt even know what day it was or if i wore the same clothes yesterday, i felt like i was going insane. sure school would put me in routine slightly but it was virtual, u dont see other peoples faces, or even talk to them outside of a class context, its not the same. it was around this time i became apathetic to nearly everything. i know im being edgy by using that word but i just couldnt see a reason to live, but i also couldnt see a reason to die either. i just keep wandering for no reason at all, the things i enjoyed doing earlier like playing video games or watching youtube, i didnt enjoy as frequently anymore; it just became so much harder to bring myself to do those things. i even tried watching anime, specifically a yuri one, and while i did enjoy and finish citrus, i couldnt bring myself to watch another anime.

and if i dont know what i wanted to do, now im starting to not know who i even am. ive experienced dysphoria before but id often dismiss it as nothing, i never liked when it would occur, but now one of my friends has opened up to me about their dysphoria extensively and in doing my best to comfort and support them, i also opened to my own experiences, so i have a place to explore these feelings. ill make sure to take my time in figuring myself out but im really starting to not care how people refer to me as ><.

i know most wont read this, but i know theres a few crazy people that read this entire thing and it took a lot from me to write this out. sry if its so rambly but somehow someone else reading this makes me feel better, thank you. right now im a wanderer, dont know what to do, not enjoying what i do, just feeling so empty, but perhaps this can change in a year? who can say.

 

[Light Sanctity]

been on this site for 6 years and on showdown for nearly 8, and im not really surprised id make a post here at some point. truth be told im just using this thread to vent out feelings, but i feel theyre appropriate and ive just been very dull for the past few years, also im sorry if this reads very rambly i just wanna get this out

Spoiler

for the past few years ive just not known what to do with myself. when i was in hs, i didnt know what i wanted to do past it, where i wanted to go, like i had an idea to go to uni or college because thats what a lot of people around me did, but i didnt know what program to do because i didnt know what i wanted to be. for the most part i didnt really have to deal with it because i had a good and wide variety of friends, and id talk to them often at school, but id also only talk to them at school and never past that because i never cared enough to have a phone, and so i didnt use social media or share contacts with any of them. so essentially it was like id live two separate lives, the one that goes to school, and the one thats at home looking at internet or playing video games all day, that second life isnt bad at all right? and thats what i thought too, since i did enjoy doing those things, but im also enjoying them less and less.

as i established before, i had a wide variety of friends, however i never really got that close with most of them. id attribute most of that due to how i perceived myself as being stigmatized due to how teachers would treat me. for whatever bloody reason i was diagnosed with mild aspergers, and i hate disclosing this because its only mild so i dont show that many characteristics of it, but that diagnosis is what made the difference between teachers and school staff from treating me like a regular person to treating me as if i never developed my social skills beyond a toddler. obviously i dont have the best social skills in the world but i fucking know shit, and so whenever a teacher or someone treats me differently i just get so damn demotivated it makes me feel like shit, and makes me think i cant connect with others because i think they see me so differently, which i think is a contributing factor as to why i didnt get as close as id have liked with a lot of my friends. then in my last year of hs, one of my closest friends moved, and since its the last year of hs everyone is too busy talking about their grades or what program in whatever uni they got into, i just couldnt fit in with them, i got tired of it, and it reminded me of how aimless i am.

now we advance about two years and even tho im in college i still dont know what i want to do after. i thought things were looking up for me, i had few plans for the summer after my first year but covid happened. at first i joked about how i was basically unaffected by it since i hardly went outside anyways but being locked indoors for a year straight minus a few odd days is not even close to healthy for anyone. days would go by, nothing changed, i didnt even know what day it was or if i wore the same clothes yesterday, i felt like i was going insane. sure school would put me in routine slightly but it was virtual, u dont see other peoples faces, or even talk to them outside of a class context, its not the same. it was around this time i became apathetic to nearly everything. i know im being edgy by using that word but i just couldnt see a reason to live, but i also couldnt see a reason to die either. i just keep wandering for no reason at all, the things i enjoyed doing earlier like playing video games or watching youtube, i didnt enjoy as frequently anymore; it just became so much harder to bring myself to do those things. i even tried watching anime, specifically a yuri one, and while i did enjoy and finish citrus, i couldnt bring myself to watch another anime.

and if i dont know what i wanted to do, now im starting to not know who i even am. ive experienced dysphoria before but id often dismiss it as nothing, i never liked when it would occur, but now one of my friends has opened up to me about their dysphoria extensively and in doing my best to comfort and support them, i also opened to my own experiences, so i have a place to explore these feelings. ill make sure to take my time in figuring myself out but im really starting to not care how people refer to me as ><.

i know most wont read this, but i know theres a few crazy people that read this entire thing and it took a lot from me to write this out. sry if its so rambly but somehow someone else reading this makes me feel better, thank you. right now im a wanderer, dont know what to do, not enjoying what i do, just feeling so empty, but perhaps this can change in a year? who can say.

Hi! I 100% understand this. I am in the same boat. It has been uh 3 years since I graduated High School, and I still have no idea what I want to do for a career. I had thought about a DH (Dental Hygienist) but HIPPA. I also have struggled keeping friends from HS, and many of them I have since lost contact with over the years. Video games helped make me happy to an extent since as you probably know you can "immerse" yourself and almost forget about everything.

Being locked up is definitely something that does not help out well-being (everyone's tbh) but I am here should you need anyone :) often times just talking about theses things with someone else can help (even if you just started to know them) at times. My Fall semester last year sucked... I had shit happen etc but having my family helped.

Overall, you be you and always this is a good community and everyone here who has got to know you I am sure can agree that you are fine the way you are. Things will look up and I know "it takes time" has been tossed around a bit (same on my end), it will come around. As you never know around the corner could be your ticket. :)

 

[ausma]

i know i shouldn't be talking about this but at this point i don't even care.

bleh

by all accounts, i should be happy. i got into my dream college, i have a great group of friends, i have an amazing girlfriend... but i'm not happy. i'm still beyond miserable and at this point i feel like i know why: self-esteem.

for the entirety of my adolescence, i have had very incapacitating self-esteem issues due to having really toxic surroundings. my old friends told me i was childish, my father never gave me any kind of positive affirmation and only told me everything i did wrong all while cementing how little i actually mattered to him and others around me, and i rarely ever get compliments. no matter how good, kind, or talented people say i am whenever i open up about this kind of thing, i see absolutely no redeeming qualities in my character that i don't even know if i'm faking or not. i don't know what parts of me are real and which are fake, and at this point i'm terrified of really trying to explore that, because i know that i'm incredibly paranoid and volatile emotionally, and i can jump to a lot of sour conclusions from nothing. ever since i broke up from my abusive relationship back in october, i'm noticing a lot about how the impact of it actually is manifesting in the way that i approach situations. i'm incredibly anxious and paranoid of how i come off, i'm terrified of hurting people, and above all else i'm scared of making another mistake.

the other thing is that envy defines my existence at this point, i feel. i feel like everybody i've ever talked to, i'm jealous or envious of in some capacity, i feel in part to the idea that i just see nothing positive in myself worth taking pride in, and with pretty much everyone else i talk to, they have talents, great character traits, are knowledgeable, and are incredibly respectable lovable presences. whereas when i look at myself... i see a moody, volatile, worthless, manipulative asshole who lacks any kind of actual talent, aptitude, ability, or knowledge. as insult to injury, i experience fucking constant imposter's syndrome and my dysphoria is fucking constant. i feel like a faker in almost every fucking capacity in my own gender identity and given that even when starting from complete scratch that people associate me with the disgusting creepy person i used to be, it makes me wonder if i still am that. i rarely get compliments nowadays, and whenever i do, it almost never comes naturally. last night was the first instance in a long while where someone came up to me unprompted and complimented me and my work, which made my night because almost fucking nobody ever validates me or makes me feel like i'm actually competent at what i do; i know i don't matter but god i'm pathetic. i'm still my own worst enemy and i wish i could stop fighting myself but i don'[t know how to fucking make it stoP i just want to not hate myself anymore and feel like i matter in some way, and that i actually deserve to be where i am and actually take pride in who i am and my identity and my abilities without feeling like a fucking freakshow

i'm sorry if i've worried or upset anybody in the past couple months, or anything like that. i know i need to take responsibility for the way that i act and come off and frankly it's not ok for me to lash out or invalidate anybody's struggles if i ever have.

 

[Band]

i know i shouldn't be talking about this but at this point i don't even care.

bleh

by all accounts, i should be happy. i got into my dream college, i have a great group of friends, i have an amazing girlfriend... but i'm not happy. i'm still beyond miserable and at this point i feel like i know why: self-esteem.

for the entirety of my adolescence, i have had very incapacitating self-esteem issues due to having really toxic surroundings. my old friends told me i was childish, my father never gave me any kind of positive affirmation and only told me everything i did wrong all while cementing how little i actually mattered to him and others around me, and i rarely ever get compliments. no matter how good, kind, or talented people say i am whenever i open up about this kind of thing, i see absolutely no redeeming qualities in my character that i don't even know if i'm faking or not. i don't know what parts of me are real and which are fake, and at this point i'm terrified of really trying to explore that, because i know that i'm incredibly paranoid and volatile emotionally, and i can jump to a lot of sour conclusions from nothing. ever since i broke up from my abusive relationship back in october, i'm noticing a lot about how the impact of it actually is manifesting in the way that i approach situations. i'm incredibly anxious and paranoid of how i come off, i'm terrified of hurting people, and above all else i'm scared of making another mistake.

the other thing is that envy defines my existence at this point, i feel. i feel like everybody i've ever talked to, i'm jealous or envious of in some capacity, i feel in part to the idea that i just see nothing positive in myself worth taking pride in, and with pretty much everyone else i talk to, they have talents, great character traits, are knowledgeable, and are incredibly respectable lovable presences. whereas when i look at myself... i see a moody, volatile, worthless, manipulative asshole who lacks any kind of actual talent, aptitude, ability, or knowledge. as insult to injury, i experience fucking constant imposter's syndrome and my dysphoria is fucking constant. i feel like a faker in almost every fucking capacity in my own gender identity and given that even when starting from complete scratch that people associate me with the disgusting creepy person i used to be, it makes me wonder if i still am that. i rarely get compliments nowadays, and whenever i do, it almost never comes naturally. last night was the first instance in a long while where someone came up to me unprompted and complimented me and my work, which made my night because almost fucking nobody ever validates me or makes me feel like i'm actually competent at what i do; i know i don't matter but god i'm pathetic. i'm still my own worst enemy and i wish i could stop fighting myself but i don'[t know how to fucking make it stoP i just want to not hate myself anymore and feel like i matter in some way, and that i actually deserve to be where i am and actually take pride in who i am and my identity and my abilities without feeling like a fucking freakshow

i'm sorry if i've worried or upset anybody in the past couple months, or anything like that. i know i need to take responsibility for the way that i act and come off and frankly it's not ok for me to lash out or invalidate anybody's struggles if i ever have.

Ausma, I can 10000000% assure you that you are NOT, in your words, a "moody, volatile, worthless, manipulative asshole who lacks any kind of actual talent, aptitude, ability, or knowledge". You know you're not that, I know you're not like that, and ALL the friends you have here in Smogon and outside know you are not that. A lot of people, including me, look up to you. I can relate a lot to the feeling of, again in your own words, being "anxious and paranoid of how i come off, terrified of hurting people, and above all else scared of making another mistake". I feel like that too a lot of times. It's normal to not feel worthy of good things when everything else in your life has worked to make you feel undeserving, abandoned, and depressed. But I can assure you again. You ARE worthy of good things. Even though we don't talk every single day and we're not the closest of friends, I know you're a good person. And I'm sure your friends, here and outside, know that too. You've accomplished things you wanted because you deserve them. You deserve to get into your dream college, you deserve to have good friends, you deserve to have a girlfriend that cares for you. Sorry if I missed the point or said something wrong, but I know from my experience you're not that horrible person you are making yourself to be. Right now I'm scared of sending this thinking about what my brain is gonna make up to make me feel like I did something wrong by answering this, but it doesn't sit well with me seeing you destroy yourself like this when I care about you so much as a friend.

 

[Light Sanctity]

We lub you Ausma.

 

[Katy]

Right now I'm scared of sending this thinking about what my brain is gonna make up to make me feel like I did something wrong by answering this, but it doesn't sit well with me seeing you destroy yourself like this when I care about you so much as a friend.

It doesn't come off as bad, wrong, or un-well. You worded yourself well here. And I can 100000% guarantee that ausma is a great person with amazing talents and moreover kind-hearted. She is there for everyone! And ausma Don't undermine yourself and your talents! I know it is hard to believe such things, especially when the "inner head circles around a different opinion" than people have from an outside perspective, but you deserve all the good things in your life!

I wish you ausma and everyone else here a lot of new accomplishments, new opportunities in your lifes and moreover only nice and kind-hearted people which surround you guys! You are all worthful members of the smogon community and also in your society, you are all brave, talented, nice, kind-hearted, and caring with the right mindset and a big heart! Which I do believe doesnt happen that often nowadays which is very unfortunately. But all of you guys deserve happieness in your life, that your dreams will come true, that the work will pay off, and also great friends! No one here is undeserving of these said things because all you guys matter with your own uniqze traits, talents, and accomplishments. I really do appreciate each and everyone here and I hope that things getting off the chest and encouragement and support by your friends will give you all a start into a new chapter of your life!

Let me say it once again: All of you matter and all of you are worthful members and all of you deserve only the best things!

 

[Rei]

Re: Yami is tired of faking of being mentally sound to save their reputation and trying to do anything to maybe stay alive

whateverthisis

I have no idea what to do right now and tired of faking that im mentally ok, when I am not. I feel so isolated from everything I do, unhappy and have mindlessly have been trying to tune out the pain with funny Youtube videos, focusing on my Pokemon team tours, analyses, or with a manga I always wanted to read, to try to turn off the thoughts of suicide, but it isnt working. I only been sleeping mostly 2-4 hours a day, and I thought at first it was because I was adjusting to being perma 5am shift at work, but it has been a month, and I find myself on my days off unable to sleep in or go to sleep. For the last hour or two, I stared at discord for a while, wondering who to turn to just to talk things out, but instead found myself lonely and crying, and just see chats on discord going well without me, and made me wonder what difference does it make for me to live or die at this point? I feel like I have no friends, online or irl and its really upsetting me to want to talk or try to maybe find a game to play to help bond with each other, but have no one to do so, and usually people come in and slowly fade away to where they do not answer my pms, or anything. I refuse to bring my problems into my smogon team tour other than the big min. of struggling with irl stuff or work. No matter where I go, I find myself isolated from everyone and dont fit in. I am starting to think I dunno how to socialize in the first place, and that its my fault that I feel this way. Work has noticed that one week I be burning with positive energy and have a really good work ethic then the next week be mad and upset at everything, and I am afraid that while I feel like that, I will lose my cool and find myself fired from my job. I also know some people noticed my behavior along these lines as well, which has affected friendships with people in my life. I remember my store manager saying she was concerned because of my constant mood swings, but I dont think I could tell her whats going on inside me without her having to call authories. I cant remember the last time I was happy, as even getting video games I have wanted for a long time does not make me happy anymore, I get the said game and dont feel anything. My eating habits are either really bad consisting of junk food, or barely eating anything at all, which lead to me losing weight. I know eventually, with my lack of sleep and eating habits, its going to take a toll on my health and may have already and I dont see the signs. All that has filled my head is thoughts of dying for the last few months?, and sometimes I really do wanna go with my head and let my car go off a bridge to end the pain of living while driving to or from work. I do not feeling like doing anything associated with my hobbies, as I find myself turning off my video games after a 15-30 min session, an anime barely 10 minutes in, and when I dont go to work I am in my bed all day doing nothing. I gave up dating cuz who would want to be with a monster like me, someone who leeches off of others and drag their moods down. My parents made me cancel my appointment to see someone for this, and I dont have the means to move out. I keep having intense low emotions that are very hard for me to handle, and have very hard conqeueses depending on what I do to try to cope ie drugs, leaving discord, self-harm, saying some off the wall stuff that should not have come out of my mouth, and drinking nearly every night. I truly believe that even if I come back to Pokemon after I take a break, things will be the same as now with the constant bullying that goes on in the background with people saying I suck and dont seem to understand how hard it is to schedule sometimes with how my shifts are for work. I really want to stay in Pokemon, as it gives me something to at least wake up to, but its no longer feels like fun due to how people diss me. I also have people that come at me for no reason, and have a hard time getting into a new community because of what people precive me as from rumors from other people. At work, people hate me for making them looking lazy since I get a lot done. I dunno what triggers my depression, I really couldnt tell you other than I been raised to know results matter, and I am failing to make the results that I need to to get somewhere in life and i feel like being alone is feeding it even more. I know that commiting suicide does not solve the problem, but it does solve the constant pain I feel, which is why it looks so appealing to me. I no longer have to hear the shit people make fun of me for, and I know no one would really miss me, and only continue to make fun of me in the afterlife. This constant losing battle, no matter how much or what I do, I am never good enough for anyone, or can change how people view me, that prevents me from getting anywhere irl and in my online hobbies. Just know, dont blame yourselves if something happens to me, as its my fault for giving in to what I believe will be free from the pain of living, which is killing myself.

 

[Band]

Hi. I haven't posted in I think 2 or 3 months so a little update because I seriously need to vent about this.

tw: death, family members death

Context: my mom had a first marriage where she had my older sister, who is about 15 years older than me (I'm 18 and yes my mom was a teen mom. this is a whole another conversation). Her dad was a piece of shit and eventually left to Japan to where his family was from and left my mom and my sister here in Brazil. He then remarried another woman there and had 2 daughters. They aren't related to me but we talk sometimes since they also learned how to speak portuguese from him. My sister has 2 sons, one's 4y old and the other's 10y old, and her husband is a nice guy. I love my nephews more than anything in this world btw they bring such joy it's ridiculous.

Start of January was normal until like the second week where I my sister got the news that her dad's condition had worsened. He had some kind of liver problem I can't really recall right now and had trouble urinating and was just in a lot of pain. He eventually died January 14th and my sister was really really impacted. I called her, she was crying a lot and I asked my dad to drive to her house. I spent the night there with her and my nephews to comfort her. Me and my nephews never met her dad so it wasn't as bad for us, since my dad is their grandpa now basically. So this was the first death from january.

A day later, the 15th, I get the news that my friend's dad died. He was young and healthy. He died from a heart attack. My friend tried to call the ambulance but they couldn't make it in time and his dad died in their home. I was... completely devastated. I care a lot about this friend and just imagining the amount of pain he was feeling I felt like I was feeling it too. I spent the rest of the day completely in shock and not even knowing how to react. I texted him and said he could count on me for literally anything, if there was anything I could do, I would do just to relieve his pain. I really wish I could see him rn and just hug him and say it's gonna be fine but I can't because of this stupid fucking virus. This death hit me really really hard.

Next day, 16th, my neighbor died. He was already very old (83y old iirc) and had some health conditions like having a pacemaker and only having one kidney. His nephew was caring for him since he outlived his wife and kids and eventually had to move out to live with his nephew. He was hospitalized not short after and died a few days later. The thing is, when he moved, he was basically fine. I've been living with my parents in my grandma's since 2016 because of reasons I stated in my previous post and when my neighbor moved, we decided to take the opportunity and rent his apartment. This was in december and we finished moving like 2 days ago because the house needed to be painted and the floor removed. Now, I feel like i can feel him in the house, and I'm honestly a bit paranoid about living there. Anyways, this one hit me a bit hard too.

Next day, 17th, my friend's grandma died. She was already of age and I never met her but she was still my friend's grandma, and I felt really bad for her. Made me think abt all the fights I have with my grandma and if I'm taking her for granted.

Jumping now to about a week ago, I got the news that my aunt had a stroke. She's actually my mom's aunt or something like that but me and my cousins always called her aunt. She's of age, she's abt 70 or so iirc and she had started to forget somethings here and there, which is normal for her age. I came to visit her a few days after the incident and that was when I really felt like shit. I don't want my aunt to die, I love her so much I don't know what I'm gonna do if she dies. I treasure her a lot. I constantly ask my mom how she's doing and she recovered a bit. Previously, she wouldn't even open her eyes, but now she blinks and that's the way her and her daughter communicate now. It's heartbreaking having to hear her voice in the video she sent and I just crumbled right then and there seeing my aunt like that. She always brought ice cream for Christmas and now I feel like every Christmas won't be the same anymore without her. I seriously feel like shit about this situation, especially since there's nothing I can do except pray she recovers.

I'm tired of people dying. Why do I have to lose people I care about? Why does my friend have to go through the pain of losing his dad? I never had to go through so much death in such a short period of time and it's just too overwhelming, I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders. I talked to my therapist about it but it didn't resolve anything and I'm just so scared of losing my aunt it's driving me insane.

Sadly picking up on this.

TW= death, depression

One of my High School teachers died this saturday after having a heart attack. One minute he was talking to his son, my friend, and the next he wasn't there anymore. He wasn't my favorite teacher and definitely didn't teach my favorite subject, but he was a very funny and caring guy. My chemistry teacher did an homage to him today (photo isn't mine, I've already graduated). I feel like absolute shit because this sensation of people dying around me keeps getting worse and worse and I'm getting paranoid someone I'm closer to is gonna be the next one. My dad because he's not vaccinated yet, my aunt who's basically on life support due to her stroke, my depressed friends that are struggling with mental health like idk who's next and it scares me so fucking much and I just feel so backed into a corner feeling I can't do the bare minimum to help anyone.

With that out of my chest, if anyone needs to talk or wishes to vent, my discord is Bandkrook#6483. If you're struggling with depression or any kind of mental health issue, also please seek out professional help.

Homage

"Thanks pal
Paulo César AKA PC
Today, the class was for you"

 

[The Disco Devil]

About 6 years ago, getting out of bed was a struggle for me. My grades were slipping drastically because I just couldn't find the motivation to do my work, and I wasn't enjoying life anymore. Not even video games, which were my favorite pastime, were fun anymore. And what was my dad's response?

"Stop pretending that you're depressed."

No sitting down to discuss this with me, no nothing. Just barging into my room, showing my 54% in math, and yelling at me. Those words were what killed my relationship with my dad. I managed to drag myself out of the pit I'd sank into eventually, but at that point, it was mostly out of spite. If he wanted me to "stop being depressed", then I'd "stop being depressed" and move out as soon as humanly possible and never speak to him again. When I turned 18, I packed my bags about a week after my birthday (which he hadn't cared enough to celebrate or even just offer some kind words) and went to stay with friends in another state. I left a note explaining where I had gone, why I was leaving, and that he knew where to find me if he wanted to make things right. I haven't spoken to him since then, and he hasn't made any attempts to see me.

I'm in a much better place than I was then, but I was emotionally crippled for quite some time. I'm not a medical professional, but if you ever need someone to share your troubles with or just someone to talk to, you can find me on Discord: The Disco Devil#5867. I normally wouldn't have shared something so personal like this, but I want to ensure that everyone has a chance to properly express their feelings instead of being shut down and belittled like I was.

 

[emma]

genuinely hate waking up every day.

school is ridiculously exhausting especially in covid times and no friends to ask for help. typically american schools do two 14-week semesters; my school packs in four 7-week terms. i’m doing 4 sets of classes in the same time frame people two 2. students typically learn say calc 1 in the first 14 weeks and calc 2 in the second, while i did calcs 1, 2, 3, 4 in the same timeframe. basically my school is incredibly difficult compared typical american colleges and is so terrible to deal with. i’ve been doing pretty well: A A B, A B C, and A B B grades through the first 3 terms but its come at the cost of me having a mental breakdown over school every other week. its so fucking hard and infuriating and i hate this stupid school so fucking much. does not help that i’m forced to room with a maga clown who says shit like “do you find racist jokes funny?” and is generally an awful individual. also even when i’m on break i’m so fucking bored because i have no hobbies or friends so i typically always waste any free time i get bc im a massive loser. was a lot better doing school from home last term away from him but my parents forced me to come back to campus for my last term which already sucks.

parents also still never accepted that i’m transgender. make me hide all my girls clothes, refuse to try to call me emma (“b-but it would be so hard calling u a new name after 18 years” stfu mother) and complained how it would be so hard for them if i came out as trans (“how will be tell your sister??”) and told me shit like no girl would ever want to date a trans girl. made me feel guilty as fuck about it (“its been so hard on us learning everything”) and i’ve basically given up on ever being able to be a girl irl until at least after i graduate school in about 3 years. i’ll never get to be a girl irl and its so incredibly sad and unfair and i hate it so fucking much.

also face consistent harassment and transphobia directed at me on this stupid site as well as see general transphobes running around irl, social media, etc. gotta say, having people harass you for being trans or calling out transphobia is so fucking exhausting and awful and sometimes makes me wish i never came out. every other week its ppl making transphobic alts to harass me, taking old, out of context logs to frame me as racist, or calling me slurs in private discords. fun fact i reported the users making fake logs of me to staff, nothing was done, and then i had to explain to a smogon admin they are fake and only saved myself bc i was able to find someone to go into an old discord and find the full context of it - fun! worst is when ppl i thought were my friends see this shit happening and do literally nothing about it. hate to break it to you, but if you see blatant transphobia happening and you do nothing about it, you are part of the problem. also constantly see people defend transphobes because they’re “funny” or “good at mons” or “nice to them” which is complete bullshit. stop fucking defending transphobia.

really hate living. everyday is exhausting with school, lots of extreme gender dysphoria, consistent general transphobia, and once in a while direct harassment of me. hate waking up, hate living. really fucking hate living. never get to look forward to anything either. really wish i just never had to wake up again. not a threat to myself and i wont do anything irreversible and stupid but holy fuck do i hate life and myself and everything so fucking much. sorry for being annoying as shit but everyday is so awful. really wish i just never had to wake up and live again.

sorry for taking attention away from others.

 

[bugzinator]

i dont really talk to anyone on smogon these days so most people wont know anything about my situation, but im glad to say that i believe things are finally starting to get back on the right tracks for me. just wanted to thank the few people i have confided with in the past for helping me during the harder times. people who are struggling often feel guilty about reaching out to others so its always appreciated to have people who go out of their way to make sure that you dont.

 

[LordThemberchaud]

I have read through a lot of these posts, and I figured that I would tell others how I feel too. I doubt anyone will care about my problems, though.

Spoiler

So I am also going through what is less depression but more anxiety. My main problem is that I worry way too much. My mom, who I deeply care about, has rheumatoid arthritis in her hands and takes medicine for it that lowers her immune system's ability to fight other diseases. As a result, she is extra susceptible to Covid-19, and I fear that she could've died to Covid-19. Fortunately, she has gotten her first dose of the vaccine. However, I still worry that the vaccine wouldn't work, she could get something else, or something else could happen to her.



That doesn't mean that I am not depressed. I have a tendency to feel sad for no reason, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn't live anymore. I'm also struggling with school do to a lack of motivation, and a lot of the kids at school don't wear their masks completely. I also have minimal self esteem, and occasionally feel that I am worthless and no one cares about me, even with large amounts of evidence that prove me wrong. I also struggle with telling people about my problems, because I doubt they would care.

Fortunately, my parents both went through what I am experiencing now and they do their best to help.

 

[Katy]

I doubt anyone will care about my problems, though.

Hey, don't think like that, everyone here is welcomed, you, and any other person. And everyone is allowed to get things off their chest, that is what this thread is for. Do not think people won't care! Because we do care about each other here!

As a result, she is extra susceptible to Covid-19, and I fear that she could've died to Covid-19.

I totally understand your fear here. But your mom is most likely in very good care and in a very good exchange with her doctor about it. But I totally understand what your mind is going through.

I also have minimal self esteem, and occasionally feel that I am worthless and no one cares about me, even with large amounts of evidence that prove me wrong.

I also struggle with the same exact issue. You are not alone out here, I really hope you'll find a way to "deal" with that problem because it can really leave a crack / mark on the confidence and self esteem. The best advice I can give to you is talking with a Psychologist about it. They most of the time know how to handle that issue.

I also struggle with telling people about my problems, because I doubt they would care.

Don't think that people would not care, everyone here is welcomed with open arms, and that includes you.

I truly hope you will feel better soon!

PS: If you want, you can let us know how progress is going with your therapy in case you will tackle one in the near or far future! It's always good to know how people here are doing! And don't be shy to share that with us, as everyone here cares about each other!

 

[LordThemberchaud]

Hey, don't think like that, everyone here is welcomed, you, and any other person. And everyone is allowed to get things off their chest, that is what this thread is for. Do not think people won't care! Because we do care about each other here!



I totally understand your fear here. But your mom is most likely in very good care and in a very good exchange with her doctor about it. But I totally understand what your mind is going through.



I also struggle with the same exact issue. You are not alone out here, I really hope you'll find a way to "deal" with that problem because it can really leave a crack / mark on the confidence and self esteem. The best advice I can give to you is talking with a Psychologist about it. They most of the time know how to handle that issue.



Don't think that people would not care, everyone here is welcomed with open arms, and that includes you.

I truly hope you will feel better soon!

PS: If you want, you can let us know how progress is going with your therapy in case you will tackle one in the near or far future! It's always good to know how people here are doing! And don't be shy to share that with us, as everyone here cares about each other!

Thanks, this means a lot to me. I actually am doing therapy which helps a lot.

 

[az]

i imagine a lot of users that post here are just posting to vent — just to dump the bad thoughts and frustration externally so as not to keep lugging it around. i hope that it helps if so

for other posters, i don't know if they are looking for responses. i think a really frustrating and isolating part about struggling with depression is that well-meaning, Technically Correct people can give you words of advice, their own experience, etc, and it does nothing for you. sometimes it can make it worse; hearing the same thing over and over, like maybe a mantra of "hang in there" or "i've been where you are" or "you'll feel differently later" — that can be maddening

i'll just say i read all your posts in this thread. you are heard

i'm in your corner

 

[Light Sanctity]

(I have posted once before)

I generally only respond to others' but here it is:

Life

For whatever reason this past week I have just not been really happy. Many of my points are essentially what others have stated above but I just feel sad. I (as did many) had a difficult thing happen to me during the summer of last year. Even after many months have passedI still I am still unable to comprehend it. Do not know if I ever will. In addition, I just randomly start crying, which causes me to lose sleep or various other things.
While I do know we may all have struggled keeping / making friends. This is something that has always haunted me growing up... I thought I had friends but very little have ever reached out and I do realize they are busy with their own obligations, etc. Just kind of hurts.

Lastly, with COVID-19, it has made things 10x worse (for all of us...), and it is something that only augmented the issues' I have. While I do know it will in due time slowly fade, it is just a painful in a way. Then my college stuff... (posted about this too) I need to figure that shit out too and while I do know that will come with time I am unable to still know what I wish to do, and whether or not they I am capable of doing said thing. I am deathly afraid that I won't be able to comprehend the material and will fail my classes. The fall semester (along with what had happened in June) only augmented my issues during the FA20 (Falll 2020) semester caused me to be very drowsy, depressed, and agitated (never happened before). Which has since then been a bit better I think.
I do most definitely enjoy this site and the many different user's to who I have got acquainted with in the past year or so. You know who you are if you are looking at this.

that is all, ty.

 

[AJ]

I just found this thread and here's just a mess of things I need to get off my chest:

vent

First of all scrolling through this thread I've seen a lot of familiar faces. Friends, acquaintances, people who I've seen around. I just want to say I am sorry for your hardships and for whatever it's worth, my heart goes out to you.

Some of you may know me. Being on this site has not been the highlight of my life. I love Pokemon and fell in love with the UU tier specifically, but my career has not been pretty. I've dealt with several issues throughout my life: the dominant being anxiety and depression. I had no friends growing up. I mean I had friends but they all went on to drop me in the dust, bully me, and leave. I really felt used and unloved. I was never popular, I was never talented, I'm averagely smart. I had a foot condition when I was young that took me out of school sports for over a year. I felt completely isolated. I had no friends to talk to. I was chubby and constantly picked on. All I wanted was to escape to high school. Then high school rolled around and it was fucking middle school 2.0. No friends, unpopular, but at least I wasn't bullied. Fortunately I found a small group of friends who have supported me and tolerated me for who I am. And I owe them everything and aspire to be a better person because of them. The tldr of all of this is I naturally craved success, I craved attention, but it's something I never really got.

My brother was the golden child. He was smart, athletic, talented in theatre, and popular. And although I loved him, he did not treat me nicely so it was hard to have a relationship with him. I envied him. Then seemingly out of nowhere he became depressed and schizophrenic. He got kicked out of high schools, he barely graduated, then he went on to drop out of college. Now he is the resident of the nearest hospital or care facility for his condition. So now our rolls had been completely flipped. I was now the successful one, but still all the attention remains on him. And I love him, and I want him to get better, and I understand his problems are far more important than mine. It's just that I now have all this anxiety and depression as a result of what my brother has done to my family that life has become so much more hard. My brother has ripped apart my family. My parents have been divorced my whole life but his situation has completely ended their friendly relationship. Medical bills have given all of us anxiety. My mom stresses me beyond belief. Sometimes I just want to fly away and never return.

Covid certainly hasn't helped my life. My summer job got canceled because of the pandemic. I spent my summer inside my house doing nothing. I spent my school year on Zoom bored out of my mind. Life fucking sucks. I haven't found a girlfriend. I have no college friends. I've felt more depressed and lonely than ever. I have lost all motivation to work out or cook food. I don't even want to brush my teeth sometimes. My grades have dropped as I put less effort into school. I'll say it again, life fucking sucks.

Circling back to my second paragraph since I've wildly side tracked, I crave attention. So naturally I wanted to be somebody in this community. But I am a difficult person. I at many times am irresponsible, childish, reckless, selfish, and annoying. So I pretty much sabotaged my career. Those who know me can probably pick out 5 events that do not make me look pretty. So I didn't make a lot of friends, I pushed a lot of people away, I made a lot of mistakes. And although a lot of what I have done has not come out of my clear sane mind, it really doesn't excuse that behavior. And I have tried to change and I continue to try to change. And quite frankly it's probably gonna take the whole beginning of my adulthood to fix my ways.

So take this both as an explaining of my story, a venting, and as an apology. I don't want to list the names of people I owe an apology to because they definitely know and for their privacy as well.. But to those people, I am sorry for the things I have said and the way I have acted. I really regret my decisions and the repercussions but I can't reverse them. The only thing I can do is move forward. I love this community. I have made many friends whom I love to talk to. I hope to make many more. Some of you have taught many things and I owe you so much more than I could ever repay you.

I sincerely love you all and wish you all the best in life. Thank you for reading this :)

 

[Max. Optimizer]

(I have posted once before)

I generally only respond to others' but here it is:

Life

For whatever reason this past week I have just not been really happy. Many of my points are essentially what others have stated above but I just feel sad. I (as did many) had a difficult thing happen to me during the summer of last year. Even after many months have passedI still I am still unable to comprehend it. Do not know if I ever will. In addition, I just randomly start crying, which causes me to lose sleep or various other things.
While I do know we may all have struggled keeping / making friends. This is something that has always haunted me growing up... I thought I had friends but very little have ever reached out and I do realize they are busy with their own obligations, etc. Just kind of hurts.

Lastly, with COVID-19, it has made things 10x worse (for all of us...), and it is something that only augmented the issues' I have. While I do know it will in due time slowly fade, it is just a painful in a way. Then my college stuff... (posted about this too) I need to figure that shit out too and while I do know that will come with time I am unable to still know what I wish to do, and whether or not they I am capable of doing said thing. I am deathly afraid that I won't be able to comprehend the material and will fail my classes. The fall semester (along with what had happened in June) only augmented my issues during the FA20 (Falll 2020) semester caused me to be very drowsy, depressed, and agitated (never happened before). Which has since then been a bit better I think.
I do most definitely enjoy this site and the many different user's to who I have got acquainted with in the past year or so. You know who you are if you are looking at this.

that is all, ty.

헤이 형제!

I could tell that you're an earnest, conscientious, and hardworking person the moment you walked into the Wi-Fi community.
Anybody that has interacted with you for even just a little bit can vouch for that, even in other parts of the Smogon website.
I'm speaking for all of us in the Wi-Fi sub-forum when I say that we support you no matter what.

Remember that this is a hobby site and that you're under no obligations to contribute.
If you need to take a break, feel free to do so. The door is always open for you to come and go as you please.
Maybe this reminder can alleviate the pressure on your shoulders even just a little bit.
I'm not telling you this from the perspective of a moderator, but from the perspective of being your friend.

I'm confident that you can surpass this phase too, potentially also with the help of a professional.
Nobody can always carry the burden on their shoulders all by themselves.
Sometimes you need friends and other people that can help clear the way for you.

In this sense, keep moving forward!
(Yes, I can't go a single day without an AoT reference)

 

[kiru]

I wanna echo and say, I hope everyone's situations are getting better and stronger, and if you need to talk about something, feel free to add me on discord, message me on Smogon, or on PS! when you get time. roxiee#0001

A lot of individuals like myself are isolated at home most of the time because of this past pandemic and doing the same thing over and over just gets boring. Over the past few years I've been in and out from appointment to appointment to figure out what is wrong with me and after being told I had a number of things like Alopecia, Skin Cancer, Lupus and now I'm being told I have a combination of Skin Cancer & Lupus in the last 2 years. Being actively involved and organized in various clubs, organizations, and even band has made me stress less along with logging on ps! just for more fun. Without all those things, it makes me think more about how much I miss my friends, and sitting in the same places sometimes makes me "overprocess/overload" and stress unintentionally for no reason. I guess some of this comes from a person I was talking to, and after being involved with gang-related stuff, he was shot...and like why would someone want to take someone else's life away. I soon started dating again, and the person I dated really tore me apart in terms of my character and I had to repair the damage he caused over a long period of time. It really hits hard with medications with literal side effects of depression sometimes in conjunction with past situations, and until one of these local businesses recruit me for a job, I'm just using ps/smog as a way to get my head off of the more traumatic/serious-type stuff. I really want to thank the NU community so much for a rich and healthy community and I truly feel comfortable talking to all of the staff and auth about my issues and overall the community makes this quite an enjoyable experience.

 

[Cynara]

I'm just gonna use this space to give my reflections on the past several months.

I know there are several people I've hurt or upset on here and I know some of you will never forgive me and I will never truly rid myself of the guilt for some of my actions but these are things I will have to accept. But to all of them, I am sorry, these people know who they are.

Someone on here a long time ago told me to go seek out a therapist for the things I was dealing with, I really regret not listening to them sooner and forcing myself to up and go no matter what I feared.

But they were right I truly never recovered from the grievances in my life from long ago, and in the present, I was in denial thinking I'd never need a therapist again but I will honestly admit they were right, it was what I really needed in life for a long time. I know I caused a lot of hassle by being in denial and I left it too late but I'm grateful you kept persisting I sought out a therapist, it was one of the best things you could do for me.

Seeing a therapist has made me truly realise how badly things were effecting me as a person and how these thoughts and feelings were inflicted onto people around me, it was just unacceptable. My first initial session was like wow it felt like a lot of weight was taken off of me for once to just to talk about how I feel and what's happening in life to someone and what I could do to deal with it better.. it made me feel more like a person again, if that makes sense. Hopefully it will continue on to something positive.

I was really honest with my mental health with my therapist like even admitting about hearing and seeing things that weren't actually there, on the odd occasions. This is something I experienced as a child too and when I was 8 years old I had to see a therapist because of what my father did to us and some point later in life these episodes were triggered again. My next session is on the 8th April and I'm honestly looking forward to it.

I'm doing better these days overall and I'm hoping things will continue to get better.

Once again I am really sorry to everyone who has had to ever deal with my behaviours and I know I can't ever change the past but I can hopefully build the future around being a much better person towards everyone else going forward.

 

[lighthouses]

struggling to deal with the overwhelming urge to just completely isolate myself right now, almost everything in my life went to complete shit outta nowhere with no signs of improvement anywhere on sight
ive dealt with these feelings before but being basically completely locked inside for more than a year now has just disintegrated any mental well being i may have had before
im not new to this and i know it passes but this time around has felt specifically hopeless
distractions are hitting a point where they don't actually distract me anymore either and im starting to just not be attracted to any of my hobbies anymore, which is always a worrying sign
dont know what to do

 

[Mr.E]

i imagine a lot of users that post here are just posting to vent — just to dump the bad thoughts and frustration externally so as not to keep lugging it around. i hope that it helps if so

for other posters, i don't know if they are looking for responses. i think a really frustrating and isolating part about struggling with depression is that well-meaning, Technically Correct people can give you words of advice, their own experience, etc, and it does nothing for you. sometimes it can make it worse; hearing the same thing over and over, like maybe a mantra of "hang in there" or "i've been where you are" or "you'll feel differently later" — that can be maddening

i'll just say i read all your posts in this thread. you are heard

i'm in your corner

Same, enough to quote and reply rather than just toss another Like on your post. I might be on the outskirts of Smogon these days, but I'm still checking in periodically on the same few forums.