Alright, I’m back! I’ve just finished hiding the body and I’m ready to progress!
.
.
.
Wait I didn’t have to kill the Route 3 blocker to progress? Oh... well no one is going to complain right?
So anyway, Route 3, here I come! Time to blow my way through a dozen or so trainers that seem to congregate there for no reason.
Bug Catcher: “Hey I met you in Viridian Forest!”
Ah yes, the Bug Catcher that can be in two places at once. That or he stalks me, since he’s never not in one of those spots when you go to them... Either way, it’s pretty damned disturbing.
Youngster: “Hey I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”
As opposed to pants, which are hard to wear. *eyeroll* And comfy all year ‘round instead of just in summer. Just admit it kid, you have a fetish.
Oh and he has an Ekans that uses Wrap. Fuck. For those of you that don’t know, in Gen 1 Wrap and other partial trapping moves actually completely immobilized you for their duration. Yes it’s horrible. Yes it’s unfair. And yes it’ll probably get me killed at some point.
Youngster: “Hey, you’re not wearing shorts!”
O.o Sorry, didn’t know it was a rule for the freaky short fetish fanclub that’s Route 3. Or does that mark me of a member of a rival gang or something? Is that why you’re attacking me?
*After defeat*
Youngster: “Lost! Lost! Lost!”
Ok scratch those theories. This is a cult. Definitely a cult.
*Suddenly, Shout is evolving!*
And I can let him since I already have 2 Pokemon other than him! SWEET! You are now teh pwnage.
*Suddenly Bud is evolving!*
*Presses B*
Curse you and your wanting to be young longer. I have to wait until level 21 for you...
Lass: “Eek! Did you touch me?”
No, and even if I did it’s not like I have the plague. Or are you implying that I touched you inappropriately?
*Proceeds to have a very long and annoying fight with her sleep abusing Jigglypuff*
Thank lord for Leech Seed...
Oh a Pokemon Center! How convenient! Let’s see what there is to see here.
According to this newspaper, Team Rocket is attacking Cerulean citizens. Flat out attacking them themselves too, not just stealing their shit. Is it just me or is Team Rocket a lot more sinister than I remembered?
Oh, and there’s a “Man” here looking to sell me a super special awesome Pokemon for only 500 Pokedollars! Why, I will take that, and name it Random after the random ass guy who sold it to me. Welcome to the team Random the Magikarp! Don’t worry, you’ll be a big boy someday soon...
Heh... his party sprite looks like a legless Kirby. I wanna poke it. *poke*
Anyway, I’m going to grind him up a few levels while I’m here, see if I can’t get him on par with the rest of the team. Sure I won’t be using him for a while, but the sooner he evolves the better.
*While grinding catches a Jigglypuff despite being sung to sleep CONSTANTLY*
Well that was annoying. Also, Random is taking a long to time to level up... Looks there are more hours of grinding ahead! Yay?
And it’s looking like I need more Pokeballs. I guess I’ll go back to Pewter and buy a few supplies
*Has exactly 1 Pokedollar left when done shopping*
Well. Not going to be buying much more with that.
Anyway going to grind inside Viridian Forest for a bit, see if I can get Weedle and Kakuna.
*against a Kakuna gets super effective message after using Poison Sting*
What?
*Checks Bulbapedia*
I learned two things after checking Bulbapedia. 1: Poison is super effective against Bug in Gen I. 2: The secondary type causes a bug where it says it’s super effective instead of normally effective like it actually is. It does that for any attack where it’s super effective against the first type but the second resists it. Fail Gamefreak is fail.
Also, I need more goddamn Pokeballs but I don’t have any money. Who would’ve thought that a Weedle and a Kakuna would require 6 Pokeballs between them? I guess I’ll have to backtrack and buy some after I get some money in Mt. Moon from the trainers there.
Speaking of which, I’m moving my training to Mt. Moon. I’m not going all the way through it just yet, but I’ll get experience faster in there. Oh, also, TongueTied is in there!
Wait I just found TM12 in here. That’s... Water Gun? Water Gun was a TM? Well whatever, I’ll take it.
*Encounters and catches a Zubat*
Welcome to the team TongueTied! I expect you to be almost completely useless throughout the whole game! Aren’t you excited now?
Sign: “Beware! Zubat is a blood sucker!”
Oh, that’s a lovely detail to share in a kid’s game. And they aren’t kidding either, in gen 1 Bug is super effective against Poison for some reason (and vice versa) so both Shout and Bud are weak to their Leech Life attack. And I thought it wasn’t possible for Zubat to get any more annoying...
*As I head out of Mt. Moon to buy some Pokeballs*
A Clefairy? I ran into a Clefairy, for real? AND I DON’T HAVE ANY POKEBALLS?
*cries*
*suddenly, the batteries die*
... Well it’s a good thing I saved just before that happened. And that was after only 7 hours of gameplay. Shit, I can’t afford to use this many AAA batteries... I don’t think I even HAVE that many AAA batteries! Hang on... yeah that’ll work. I have a solution!
*Pulls out N64, Pokemon Stadium, and an N64 Transfer Pack*
HUZZAH! No more need for batteries! Of course now it’s got a little bit of color and that kind of messes with the nostalgia... ah well. The cool thing is that now I actually get to use this feature of Stadium for something useful! And the border is friggin’ sweet and the screen is so much bigger and way less hard on my eyes... alright this is cool.
Aaand the floor in Mt. Moon is green now. I’m not even going to try and reason why that is and just accept it.
*Catches a Geodude, out of Pokeballs again*
This is going to become a theme isn’t it?
Oh noes, it’s a Team Rocket Grunt! Whatever shall I do?
Hang on a second, is that a WHIP?
Shit, they didn’t fuck around in Gen I
*kicks his sorry ass anyway*
*encounters a Super Nerd*
Why the hell are you kneeling? Good god, you look like something that just crawled out of a sewer...
Anyway, I forgot that there’s no Steel type in Gen I and therefore thought his Magnemite would be hell to take down because I had nothing to hit it with. Not the case of course, since it’s pure Electric-type in Gen I. It’s amazing how much of a difference one type can make.
*Against a Lass*
Holy shit what the hell-fuck is wrong with Bellsprouts face? I mean just look at it and tell me that isn’t horribly deformed.
Yeah you can’t can you. Because that looks like the result of several generations of inbreeding and one count of bestiality right there that does.
Alright, that’s enough actual exploring in here for now... I just need to get some EXP for Random and ToungeTied now.
*Catches a Paras while training, ToungTied learns Bite and becomes a little less useless*
This is taking hours, just so you know. What’s taking you around 3 seconds to read took me 3 or 4 hours to play through :D.
*Jealous*
.... Bite looks like Strength from the later games. There’s absolutely nothing that says “bite” about it; it looks like 3 punch stars in succession. That’s... disappointing. Cmon, I know you’re not working with much here but would it kill you to add a couple fangs Gamefreak?
Well that’s all the training for now I think. Random is going to stay in front and keep getting EXP, and Tongue Tied will be doing most of the fighting since he’s only level 15 whereas everyone else is level 18. I’m pretty sure I’m overleveled but whatever, let’s keep going. Through Mt. Moon we go!
*runs into a Clefairy and manages to catch it with his last Pokeball*
HELL YEAH! I thought for sure I’d end up running out and then I’d have to come back later or something. This is so much better because it means I never, ever have to come back here after I get through it.
Oh I found TM01 Mega Punch! There’s a good chance of that coming in handy eventually, but for the time being I’ll just hold onto it.
*Team Rocket grunt tells me to hand over any fossils I find*
So that’s why you’re here eh? Well you’re sure doing a good job of that now aren’t you.
*that was sarcasm in case you’re dense*
Oh wow, the Hikers in this game look shirtless on the world map but in battle are wearing bulky as all fuck vests. Nice continuity there Gamefreak.
Random learned Tackle so now he’s technically able to fight! Of course he still won’t be doing much of that until after he evolves, what with him being a Magikarp and all.
Team Rocket Grunt: “Kids shouldn’t mess around in adult business!”
*Sends out the infamous lv 16 Raticate with Hyper fang*
Well fuck. For once a Rocket Grunt has the means to back up his words.
*It knocks out Screentime*
....... at least I got it down to the red first
*Full restore. No I’m just fucking with you, TongueTied finishes it off*
Well that was nasty. It’s a damn good thing I was overleveled or that fucker could have run through my whole damn team.
Oh I found a Moon Stone! And after looking at the other moves that Nidorino gets by levelling up... yeah better to just evolve him now. Fury Attack and Focus Energy (which doesn’t work in Gen I) aren’t really worth it and Double Kick isn’t learned until level freaking 50 and I’m not waiting that long. So yeah, time to evolve again already Shout! (Damn this is such a Disc One Nuke [look it up on TV tropes people])
Team Rocket Grunt near the end: “You made me mad! Team Rocket will blacklist you!”
... Is that supposed to be a threat? Really, that reads more like a compliment to me.
Ah, and here’s the super nerd who’s desperate to keep his fossils, yet doesn’t put them in his bag (he does it with one later so there’s no reason why he couldn’t’ve done that before you got there). Some smarts you’ve got there bub.
Whoa holy shit. Koffing’s face is like, upside-down. The skull and crossbones are on his freakin’ forehead.
Seriously this fucked up!
So, now that I’ve beat you you’re telling me not to get greedy and only take one. After you just tried to claim both. Hypocrite much?
*got the Helix Fossil!*
Yay, awesome, now let’s get the hell-fuck out of here.
*steps into the glaring daylight outside*
GLORIUS! I AM FREEEEE! Never, ever am I going back in there! Ever. Hell cave of annoyance. I spent way, way too frickin’ long in that place training TongueTied the Weak and Random the Useless. I can’t wait until they’re both a bit stronger...
Oh I found TM04 Whirlwind. Useless *chucks it into the bag in preparation for shoving it into the PC for eternity*
*crosses the invisible boundary between Cerulean City and Route 4, suddenly the main colour changes from green to blue*
Holy shit, I guess they took the “Cerulean” part of “Cerulean City” seriously for the color versions.
City Sign: “Cerulean City: A Mysterious, Blue Aura Surrounds It”
Yeah I noticed O.o you guys might want to get that checked out.
Anyway, let’s see what else is in town...
Oh that’s right, I remember from LeafGreen; the entire town is brainwashed by Bill so that they talk about him incessantly. It seems to be centered at the Pokemon Center... I wonder if they’re in on it.
I remember most of this stuff from Leaf Green... overpriced bikes, crime in town, idiot girl trying to get her Slowbro to use a move it can’t learn, the guy who wants to trade Poliwhirl for Jinx, the hidden Rare Candy behind the house of a guy who natters on about badges, the rival battle at Nugget Bridge which I’m not triggering just yet, etc. All the jokes there are to be made here have already been made, so I’ll just leave it at that.
Now, my first order of business is to replenish my Pokeball supply. Thankfully I got a fair bit of money going through Mt. Moon so that’s no problem.
*Goes to Route 4 and immediately catches a Sandshrew*
Heh, well Random does know Tackle, let’s try and kill this Spearow with him just for fun.
*He defeats the Spearow with half his health to spare*
O.O I... I can train him normally. Well, that’s good to know! I guess I’ll level him up to 18 too... soon he’ll evolve and then shit can get really going!
*Later, everyone is now level 18*
Alright, time to fight Blue! Since Random hasn’t evolved yet there’s no need for me to solo anything with him, meaning the only requirement for this battle is giving Screentime some screen time against his starter. I think this should go pretty easily.
I’m struggling along Blue? Really? Just for that, I’m going to kick your ass to hell and back.
*He sends out his Pidgeotto, I send out TongueTied*
Yeah, I shoulda put someone else in the lead spot. TongueTied does NOT have this. Hmmm I haven’t used Shout since I evolved him, let’s see how he does *trollface*
*Stunningly it actually manages to get Shout down past half health*
You make me wanna choke on my own words! Damn that fucker was strong. I guess they were the same level...
*He sends out his Abra, I send out Random*
The only battle against him Random can actually do. Seeing as Abra has
no attacks other than teleport. I mean really. That’s just sad.
*Several sloppy tackles later it goes down*
Getting beat by a Magikarp. That CANNOT feel good. Alright, Rattata next... hmmm I wonder if Random stands a chance?
*One Hyper Fang shows clearly he does not*
OK nevermind, change of plans. Bud, clean this up.
*One Vine Whip finishes it off, Charmander is next*
Alright Screentime, here’s your chance! Show this salamander who’s really hot right now!
*Quick Attack 2HKOs thanks to a Crit, Screentime gets out untouched*
That’s the way to show ‘em! Nice work Screentime, I guess we can call that a match then!
Oh no Blue is obsessed with Bill now too! He’s fallen under his control! Leave now while you still can Blue! Leave now!
*He does so, but for reasons unbeknownst to me*
Wait, why did I let him get away? I could’ve let Bill have him then I wouldn’t be bothered by him anymore... oh well, too late now.
Alright, now for Nugget Bridge! More experience for me!
Hmmm I have a theory about Nugget Bridge. These people on here, they seem to have no connection to each other yet here they are doing a contest for Team Rocket. But why? Well the answer is as simple as looking at what’s nearby... BILL! Team Rocket is using Bill’s evil technology to brainwash these trainers into serving them! I mean, the way they all repeat “I have no regrets” like automatons... it’s not natural! This HAS to be the only explanation!
That or it could be lazy writing and programming. Either one.
Oh hey the last one has a Mankey! At least I THINK that mutated tentacle monster is a Mankey.
Seriously, I didn’t know it was possible to fuck up a sprite that bad.
Anyway, Screentime’s revenge time :D
*Screentime SMASH!*
And here’s the disguised Rocket Grunt. Why don’t they all wear disguises instead of announcing themselves via terrible uniforms? Ah well, best not to question these sorts of things, not when it makes them easier to stop. Anyway, thanks for the Nugget but there’s no way I’m going to join you, even if it means I have to fight you. Actually, especially if it means I get to fight you. I like beating the crap out of you little shits.
Jr. Trainer in tall grass: “I saw your feat (sic) from the tall grass!”
Wooooow nice proofreading there Gamefreak! I think they used spell-check then didn’t double check the corrections.
Ooo TM45 Thunderwave. I wonder if any of my current team can learn it. It’d be useful for catching Pokemon...
*entire team is unable to learn it*
... Fuck you.
Alright so Bellsprout has been caught so I can move on! Let’s fight this Hiker and his Ma-
Holy shit why is that tail so long? It’s like a tiny stub usually but that thing is long enough to strangle someone with. And that face is so derpy... not as bad as the Mankey one, but seriously Gamefreak, what were you on?
Oh, and then he sends out a Geodude. Suddenly that Machop sprite doesn’t look so bad.
Youngster: “Local trainers come here to practice”
Ahhhh, so that’s why there’s such a huge concentration of trainers here. I remember wondering that during Leaf Green... it all makes sense now.
*Suddenly, Random is evolving!*
OH THE BRILLIANCE! Just... please don’t kill me. Kill everyone else, just not me. Thanks. Oh and I have to teach you this useless TM now. Please don’t kill me because of it.
Oh, I just realized that Screentime is supposed to have a TM of his own... I guess I can teach it Whirlwind once I get back to the Pokemon center (yes I did shove it directly into the PC as soon as I could).
And speaking of TMs, TM19 Seismic Toss is here. Only Shout is able to learn it though and I see no need to teach it to him just yet. I’ll hold onto it for now...
Hmmm Bud wants to learn Poison Powder. I wish I could, but Leech Seed is better and his restrictions mean I can’t have both (though stacking the two would be useful). Unfortunately, I’m going to have to pass this one up.
Well here we are, the home of the mad one himself! I will now enter his dark lair and inexplicably help him, probably because of his mind control. And then he gives me a boat ticket because why not, he’s too busy being evil to attend. And then from then on, his mark is left on me forever, for now Someone’s PC is eternally renamed Bill’s PC. God help us all.
Well anyway, now I have no reason not to go fight Misty. Screentime, time to get the recognition you deserve! Let’s show that bitch who’s boss!
First though, you need to learn your TM as per requirement...
*Teaches Whirlwind to Screentime*
And then a couple lackeys to destroy
*Screentime gladly does so*
Alright, now it’s time for the big girl. Let’s rumble Misty! Misty, who appears to have black hair... (da fuk?)
*She leads with Staryu, while Screentime stares it down*
Alright Screentime, time to show it what you’re made of! Quick Attack until it can’t stand up anymore!
*Misty uses an X Defend on her Staryu... after I’ve already knocked it down into the Red*
Lol fail.
*Screentime finishes it off*
Alright, now for the big one, Starmie... I think a half jillion Sand-Attacks are in order!
*She uses X-Defend on it right away, though it has Harden so the reasoning behind that move is fuzzy*
Alright, 3 sand attacks should be enough. Quick Attack like nuts now!
*it uses Bubblebeam, which misses but also makes me realize that if it does hit I’m going to get KO’d*
Yah know, potions are looking mighty good right now.
*Two Tackles and a Bubblebeam hit, forcing me to keep using potions*
Suddenly this doesn’t look so certain...
*A Bubblebeam connects when Screentime is at half health, KOing him*
..... FUCK. I don’t have any revives either!
*Reset...*
.... Goddamn this! I don’t know what to do here... there aren’t any X-Items to buy yet... goddamn it! I guess I’ll just try again and use more Sand-Attacks this time.
*Staryu is eliminated in much the same way as before*
Alright, now for Starmie... Sand-Attack until it can’t see the floor in front of it!
*It still connects with Bubble Beam after 5 Sand-Attacks, Screentime faints*
FUCK! Ok, after that, just to see how it would go, I sent out Shout who took out Starmie without even getting touched despite it taking like 7 turns, so I’m thinking I just got unlucky. AGAIN!
*Staryu gets two damn crits in a row on Screentime so he’s already at half health by the time Starmie comes out*
Well this doesn’t bode well.
*Through the use of several potions and some luck, Screentime manages to get Starmie to -6 accuracy*
Alright, now Quick Attack time. Just gotta hope for some luck...
*Bubblebeam somehow connects and crits, OHKOing Screentime from nearly full health*
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- Ok, this bullshit can only go on for so long! AGAIN DAMNIT!
*Staryu goes down leaving Screentime at 2/3 health*
Alright, here we go again....
*Bubblebeam hits and crits again, KO*
BULLSHIT! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS CRIT?
*Attempt #5 starts with Staryu bringing Screentime to 45/65HP*
This had better freaking work this time...
*Bubblebeam hits twice in a row despite 3 Sand Attacks, KOs despite a Potion getting used*
FUCKING BULLSHIT HAX RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG
*Goes Super Saiyan, doesn’t help*
*Attempt #6, Starmie comes out with Screentime at 55/65*
Cmon, this is just getting ridiculous...
*it takes every last Potion I have to get it to -6 Accuracy*
Ok if it hits now I am going to be pissed like you wouldn’t believe.
*A Water Gun and a Tackle connect, but miraculously leave Screentime with 9HP. It is one Quick Attack away from fainting *
If Misty has a Potion I am going to cry.
*She doesn’t, but Quick Attack misses.*
............. You have got to be fucking kidding me.
*Thankfully Water Gun misses too*
Oh thank you RNG gods, thank you!
*Quick Attack finally finishes it off*
HOLY SHIT YES! AND IT ONLY COST ME 9 MOTHERFUCKING POTIONS AND TOOK 6 ATTEMPTS!
*Breaks down sobbing*
*Manages to drown Misty with no one looking stashes the body in a corner, steals her Cascadebadge and TM11 Bubblebeam*
Shhhhhhh... no one needs to know.
Oh ok so I didn’t really drown her. I just wish I could... that bitch’s Starmie is so fucktacularly overpowered. Well anyway, next time we leave Cerulean and go onboard the S.S. Anne! Until next time... audios!
END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:
Location: Pewter City
Badges: 2
Pokemon: 5
Retries: 5 (Seriously, fuck that Starmie)
Pokemon:
Bud the Bulbasaur
Level 20
Moves:
Tackle
Growl
Leech Seed
Vine Whip
Nothing much has changed for Bud, as he’s still doing pretty well overall and nothing about him has really changed. He evolves in one more level though, so that’s cool at least. Also, I learned that in Gen I it doesn’t get Sleep Powder until level 55 as a Venusaur, so my planned strategy of Leech Seed + Sleep isn’t going to be usable until the very end. Oh well, I’ll figure out something else to use in the meantime. Until then, I’m stuck with Growl...
Screentime the Pidgeotto
Level 22
Moves:
Gust
Quick Attack
Sand-Attack
Whirlwind
Guess who’s overleveled again? Well fighting your way through an entire gym by yourself can do that. Of course, his performance against Misty was... less than stellar, but really, Starmie is such an overpowered freak at this point in the game that any Pokemon you can get without a type advantage is kind of screwed. Overall, Screentime is doing OK but not really standing out (though he didn’t get used a whole lot due to being overleveled much of the chapter). I’m starting to dread the fight against Lt. Surge’s Pokemon yet to come... and also not being to evolve him. Well, I have a plan for Surge and I’ll just have to suck it up and use a Pidgeotto for way longer than I should have to I suppose. Not much I can do about that one.
Shout the Nidoking
Level 19
Moves:
Tackle
Leer
Horn Attack
Poison Sting
And suddenly BOOM there was a beast. Well, so you’d think but I’ve actually been pretty surprised at how average Shout is doing considering he’s a friggin’ third stage Pokemon. Well, most of that is likely due to his attacks at the moment, which don’t get STAB and have no super-effective coverage. After I get a few TMs that should change. I would teach him Bubblebeam, except that I need that for TheRainbow later on. That’s OK though, there will be plenty of TMs for him to use later, and I fully expect to see some domination out of this guy.
Random the Gyarados
Level 20
Tackle
Splash
Bite
Bide
Honestly, at the moment I don’t have much to say about Random since I haven’t used him since he evolved yet. I’m glad it didn’t take too long to get that done (well, in your guys’ time... this chapter encompasses something like 8 hours of gameplay) though, since I expect he’ll be quite useful despite his crippling required moveset. There is good news on that front though. It turns out that Gyarados’ Special stat was 100 in Generation I, meaning Surf will actually be more powerful than Strength would have been. And while Bide and Leer might be next to useless, Surf combined with any of a number of Normal Type moves he can learn will give him perfect neutral coverage, thanks to the fact that in Gen 1 Normal is only resisted by Rock. Even with only two good moves I expect him to do some serious damage, so the future is looking bright for this one.
TongueTied the Zubat
Level 20
Leech Life
Bite
Supersonic
Yeah I called him “TongueTied the Weak” earlier on and quite frankly it’s an apt description. He has lower defences than even Random had before he evolved and his attack power isn’t outstanding either. Once he got Bite he got a easier to use at least, but before then he was just terrible. I’m dreading his evolution, because then he becomes COMPLETELY useless until he either reaches level 32 and learns Wing attack or reaches Lavender town and gets Swift via TM. And I do mean COMPLETELY useless, as in he can’t use ANY of his attacks. As such, I’m going to nerf the challange a little bit by making it so he doesn’t HAVE to evolve until he either gets Wing Attack or Swift, just so I’m not stuck with completely dead weight for 10 levels. Even after that though, I still expect him to be worthless. The only real reason to use Golbat is for its annoying potential, and the challange deprives me of that option since he needs to be pure attacking. I think I was right when I pinned him as being an LVP when I first accepted him...