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CAP 16 CAP 5 - Part 13 - Pokedex Entry Submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Process Archive' started by Birkal, May 7, 2013.

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  1. Birkal

    Birkal We have the technology.
    is a member of the Site Staffis an Artistis a Super Moderatoris a Community Contributoris a CAP Contributoris a Smogon Media Contributoris a Battle Server Admin Alumnus
    CAP Head Mod

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    A massive thanks to paintseagull for helping me prepare this post.

    Welcome to the final step for Malaconda - Pokedex Entries! In this thread you may post your entries for critique and eventually submit them for the poll. Please read the following rules before doing so!:

    Legal Pokedex submissions must meet the following standards
    • Pokedex Entries must have flawless grammar. Smogon has a Grammar & Prose team that will help identify mistakes.
    • Pokedex Entries cannot be longer than 25 words.
    • Pokedex Entries can only contain the following characters:
      • Letters A-Z
      • Numbers 1-9
      • Dash (-)
      • Apostrophe (')
      • Period (.)
      • Comma (,)
      • Colon (:)
      • Semi-colon (;)
      • Space

    Work In Progress (WIP) Pokedex Entries can be posted at any time for comments from the community.

    No more than three WIP Pokedex Entries can be posted by any individual person through the entire course of the submission thread. This limit applies to ALL posts made by a single person, even if previous posts are edited or deleted. This limit is intended to curb the tendency for some submitters to spam the thread repeatedly with multiple Pokedex Entries. This detracts from other submissions and makes it difficult for commenters to survey the submission thread.

    Do not bump your WIP Pokedex Entries by posting them repeatedly, or making minor wording changes. Bumping will result in the disqualification of all Pokedex Entries by the offender. Editing or deleting bump posts will not prevent disqualification.

    Only ONE Final Submission can be made per person.

    Pokedex Entry Final Submissions can only be posted after a CAP Moderator posts in the thread that final submissions are open. Any final submission posted prior to the Moderator notification post, will disqualify the submitter from the poll entirely. Even if the offending post is edited later or deleted, the submitter will still be disqualified for the remainder of the thread. This ensures that all submitters have equal opportunity to post final submissions without anyone unfairly "jumping the gun".

    Pokedex entries Final Submissions must posted exactly in the following format and in the following exact order:
    • The first line of the post must have the words "Final Submission" in bold on it's own line. No other text may be included before the bold heading.
    • A blank line
    • "<Pokemon Name>, the <Species Name> Pokemon", with the Pokemon name and the Species Name in bold
    • A blank line
    • The Black Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the word "Black" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    • A blank line
    • The White Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the word "White" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    • A blank line
    • The Black 2 & White 2 Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the word "BW2" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    Below the Final Submission you can post other comments, explanations, etc.

    Example final submission:

    Any Final Submission that does not follow the proper format will be disqualified.

    ----

    Malaconda so far:


    Name: Malaconda
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    animated (open)
    [​IMG][​IMG]
    [​IMG][​IMG] [​IMG]


    Concept:
    Typing: Dark / Grass
    Abilities: Harvest / Infiltrator
    Stats: 115 HP / 100 Atk / 60 Def / 40 SpA / 130 SpD / 55 Spe
    Movepool:
    Height: 5.5 m / 18’ 0’’
    Weight: 108.8 kg / 240 lbs
  2. srk1214

    srk1214 The Wuthering Heights of Billionaire Gay Dinosaur Fiction
    is a CAP Contributoris a Tiering Contributor

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    WIP

    Malaconda, the Temptation Pokémon

    Black: Though the fruit on its tail appears to be delicious, no one has lived to tell the world how it tastes.

    White: It prefers to move slowly and silently. If it tries to move too fast, its barbs get caught in the ground.

    BW2: Ancient records seem to depict a four-legged ancestor. When it lost its legs is unknown.
  3. Unoriginal Name

    Unoriginal Name

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    WIP of course.

    Malaconda, the Luring Pokémon

    Black: It tempts its prey near with its apple and low hisses and whispers. It is said that those who take a bite never wake up.

    White: They are most often seen slithering in berry patches, tempting in prey with promises of food and fortune.

    BW2: It prefers to take a silent, stealthy approach and tempt foes to back down and feel secure before ultimately striking.
  4. Scorpio

    Scorpio

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    WIP

    Malaconda
    , the Tempter Pokémon

    Black: It uses the fruit on its tail as a distraction for both prey and potential threats. The fruit grows back very quickly.

    White: The fruit it carries looks appealing, but contains strong chemicals to immobilize those who eat it.

    BW2: A manipulative Pokemon that lures prey with the fruit on its tail. Sometimes it targets Trainers for its own amusement.
  5. RivRivRiv

    RivRivRiv

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    Edited Black entry and completely changed White. Still WIP of course:


    Malaconda, the Corruption Pokémon

    Black: Although it appears delicious, the fruit on its tail corrupts all those who taste it.

    White: If eaten, the fruit on its tail will grow back. The more the fruit regenerates the more enticing it becomes.

    BW2: This Pokémon can never be truly tamed. Even experienced trainers succumb to its sinister tricks.
  6. Jirachi6

    Jirachi6

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    Still a WIP.

    Malaconda, the Tantalizing Pokémon

    Black: Malaconda tempts enemies with the fruit on the end of its tail. Anyone who eats it will be incapacitated.

    White: The fruit on its tail is actually a toxic sac. It will burst if cut off, so removing it from Malaconda's tail is inadvisable.

    BW2: If it is bored, Malaconda may decide to anger nearby people and Pokémon by waving its tail in their faces.
  7. CJorex

    CJorex

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    WIP

    Malaconda, the Seduction Pokémon

    Black: It draws unsuspecting Pokémon with the fruit on its tail. Once they let their guard down, it bites down with its powerful fangs.

    White: Recent research has shown that the fruit on Malaconda's tail contains chemicals that increase brain activity.

    BW2: An old legend states that an ancient civilization was brought to an end because one person tried to eat the fruit of a Malaconda.
  8. paintseagull

    paintseagull pink wingull
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    WIP! Comments welcome.

    Update: changed "apple" to "fruit", other small changes in Black entry. Removed "Any" in the "Any other Pokemon" line in BW2.
    Pokémon

    Malaconda, the Temptation Pokémon

    Black: The fruit at the end of its tail mimics the most delicious fruit in existence. It entices both people and Pokémon.

    White: It brings out greed and desire in those that it meets. It delights in spreading chaos.

    BW2: A forest inhabited by Malaconda is lush and full of fruit. Other Pokémon that live there are hostile and distrusting.

    Comments (open)

    srk: I like it! Simple and slightly outrageous, how pokedex entries should be. In the White entry though, you don't need "Sometimes". I think it flows better without.

    Unoriginal Name: "tempting in prey" is not good grammar, consider rewording. Your BW2 sentence is a bit of a mess, you could probably clean it up easily by making 2 sentences. There are 3 ideas there but they are all run together.

    Scorpio: good entries, consider using "Tempting" or "Temptation" for species name, I think it sounds better than "Tempter" which is a word I don't hear used often (this could be personal preference though). In BW2, I don't think Trainer needs to be capitalized (but I didn't cross reference any existing dex entries that use the word to see if they capitalize it - did you?)

    Riv: In the Black sentence, do you really want "It is said" there? If it's a myth, maybe make that more explicit. But it doesn't sound unbelievable to me - you could simply say "The fruit on its tail corrupts all those ...", and this leaves room for a bit of description about the fruit itself, like, "The delicious fruit on its tail..." or something like that.

    Jirachi6: "he or she" can be "they". Alternatively you could reword the last sentence, for example, "Whoever eats it will be incapacitated", or "Anyone who eats it.."

    CJorex: I don't think "Seduction" is an appropriate species name for Malaconda - there are other words that fit better. I like your entries a lot but in the first one you could stand to reword "It draws unsuspecting Pokémon" -- it draws them in? I think you could say this more clearly. Maybe "It lures unsuspecting.."
  9. mcFlareon

    mcFlareon

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    WIP- just to put my thoughts down and will work on improving them later.

    Malaconda, the Temptation Pokemon

    Black: The fruit it generates changes scent and flavour with every unsuccessful lure. Even experienced travelers fall victim to its deception.

    White: It is known to infiltrate orchards, taking farmers by surprise. Despite the dangers, these farms yield the most succulent harvests.

    BW2: Using subtly hypnotic motions, it skillfully dangles its tail to tempt prey. It strikes before victims can reach the fruit.

    edit: Since Malaconda's movepool doesn't really have any Poison-specific moves I decided against any connotations about the apple causing poison/sleep/paralysis. Thus I decided to make its nature in the Dex entries focus more on the temptation and the use of its lure rather than adding tricks like poison or paralysis. (Even then its main form of paralysis is Glare which has nothing to do with the fruit part of its design)
  10. Qwilphish

    Qwilphish spread the love
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    WIP

    Malaconda, the Tempt Pokemon

    Black: It prefers to use the aroma from its apple to lure its opponents. However, it will not hesitate to attack against more stubborn opponents.

    White: Malaconda are experts in harnessing the power of sunlight. If many are in a close vincitity, Leppa orchards are said to spawn.

    BW2: Cave drawings depict a Malaconda falling from the sky in a fiery rage. Due to this, Malaconda is known as God's Creation in rural areas.

    Comments (open)
    srk: They seem pretty solid, on the first one maybe consider adding 'appears to be delicious' since appears can't really be by itself as a verb. Also agree with paint on 'sometimes' being removed.

    Unoriginal Name: On the first one, I find the use of 'near' to be awkward. Although I understand what you are trying to say perhaps changing it to 'closer' to clear up the meaning of the sentence. Also, the third one has many ideas in it, consider splitting it up into two sentences to help with the flow.

    Scorpio: Good start! Your Black entry has two ideas that don't necessarily go together. I would consider either removing the second sentence or changing it to something that connects with the first. There is strange wording issues with the third Entry as well since it almost seems like a fragment, maybe reword it?

    RivRivRiv: Short, simple, and to the point. The only problem with me is how the White entry doesn't flow very well with the last two ideas. 'to the temptation to savor its fruit' is jagged and should be reworded, perhaps in a separate sentence. Good Job otherwise!

    Jirachi6: I like your entries! Your White entry has two ideas that don't seem to correspond to each other as one talks about it being a toxic sac and the other about how it doesn't hurt to have its tail cut off. Consider either removing the second sentence or reword it to have it flow with the the first.

    CJorex: Very creative entries. On the last entry I would change 'one person' to something more specific (maybe King or Queen) to avoid ambiguity in the entry. Also, I would consider removing 'recent' from the second entry unless there is some symbolism as it isn't needed to convey the message of the entry.

    paintseagull: I really like your submission! My only critique would be 'appears to be the most delicious apple in Unova,' as 'appears' may not be the best verb to use when talking about taste, maybe consider changing it to 'It is said' or some equal saying to keep the message the same but have a correlating verb.

    mcFlareon: Really good! Unfortunately I can't really find anything that could make it better. Hopefully others will be of more help! Creative and written-well:)
  11. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Darn my internet provider, for it inhibited my entries from being posted until this time.

    Malaconda, the Bad Apple Pokémon

    Black: Using its tail as bait, it ambushes foes, constricts them, and impales them with the thorns on its body.

    White: This Pokémon offers the fruit on its tail to passersby just to see their reactions when they taste its bitter flesh.

    BW2: The fruit on its tail tastes foul, but its tantalizing appearance still draws in many Pokémon and people.

    Species names can and do reference real-world subjects (Coconut, Vulture, Chinchilla), so I have gone with one that does so as well. I think 'bad apple' is a choice of species name that fits the design without being too serious. :)

    I carry the theme of the apple on its tail through the three pokedex entries, as that is emphasized throughout the design, and there are pokedex entries that typically emphasize a specific, interesting quality about the pokemon. I do not mention the apple by name because of precedent; Tropius has banana-like fruits on its neck, but the pokedex entries it has never mention them by name. Earlier pokedex entries do reference real-life objects, but not Generation V ones (unless someone proves me wrong :)).

    As for the content of the entries themselves: I give variety while still pivoting each entry around the tail. The Black entry is about how Malaconda is an ambush predator the way Dracoyoshi8 describes it (and I do like sticking to the original source [if it's not too silly or gruesome]). I write it the way it is for its rhythm, and I would like to keep that. I'll welcome changes that keep the rhythm but are rewritten to make the entry flow better. The White entry shows Malaconda's deceptive nature--not too cruel, but enough to show its deceit. The Black 2/White 2 entry adds to the first two while not completely overlapping on explaining how it's only beautiful on the outside, while being repulsive inside.
  12. Eagle4

    Eagle4

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    Malaconda, the Deceitful Pokemon

    Black: A Malaconda's fruit can regenerate on command. It readily gives it up in order to devour the foe.

    White: They were once poached for their sumptuous fruit. This practice ended after reports of horrifying visions from those who consumed it.

    BW2: It lures in prey before devouring it whole. After a large meal, the fruit glows greatly.

    comments (open)
    srk1214: Suits the exaggerated Gen V-style entries very well. The BW2 entry is quite bland however; it doesn't really tell an awful lot.

    Unoriginal Name: The first sentence of your black entry doesn't make sense. It can also be shortened to something such as "It tempts prey with its apple, hissing and whispering". Although rather than "It tempts its prey", I'd opt for "It lures prey". I also find it strange that you can never wake up from the apple; is there a reason for this? Your White entry is fine, but your BW2 entry contradicts itself. If it is taking a silent stealthy approach, why would it tempt the foe to back down? Surely it should be a surprise attack?

    Scorpio: Very solid entries, I like them a lot. As paintseagull said though, I'd change "tempter" to "temptation".

    RivRivRiv: I am usually opposed to entries beginning with "it is said". Without it though, the entry would be a little too short. Try using the same idea but coming up with a different sentence(s). The White entry is poorly worded, and feels like there should be two sentences. I like your BW2 entry however ^_^

    Jirachi6: I do feel that your first sentence of the black entry could be worded slightly better. You almost make it seem that there isn't a fruit at the end of the tail, but rather that the tail is shaped like a fruit. The White entry is interesting; the second sentence is pretty bland however. The BW2 entry is good though. Remember to change "BW" to "BW2"!

    CJorex: Seduction isn't quite fitting for Malaconda :/ However, I love your entries!

    paintseagull: You already know about the "apple" problem ;) Your entries are very good, but your BW2 entry seems a tad long. Perhaps changing the last sentence to "Any other Pokemon that live there become hostile", or something to that extent.

    mcFlareon: Your entries each have great ideas running through them, they're very inventive, yet all of your entries are simply too long. I know you've kept below the word limit, but >20 or even >18 is uncommon for a pokedex entry.

    Qwilphish: Don't mention "apple", there is no precedence for a pokedex entry to mention a fruit. Heck, Tropius' entry mentions fruit but not bananas. The White entry needs the two sentences to be linked in some way. Right now, there is no link at all between the two sentences, making the entry seem rather disjointed. The BW2 entry is good.

    Quanyails: Good submissions, I like them a lot.

    Timeblaze: Both your Black and White entries are a little bland, and whilst they include 2 common themes of Malaconda, you describe them in a boring manner :/ The BW2 entry almost seems like a carbon copy of srk1214's.
  13. Timeblaze

    Timeblaze

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    WIP

    Malaconda
    , the Tempting Pokemon

    Black: It has a naturally devious nature. It loves to stir up conflict between other Pokemon, and then watch.

    White: Malaconda waits in trees while dangling its apple down. When unsuspecting Pokemon reach for it, it attacks.

    BW2: Ancestors of this Pokemon once had legs. It's unknown how they were lost, or why.
  14. Shiruba

    Shiruba

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    WIP, naturally.
    (whoot rhyme)

    Malaconda, the Deceiving Pokémon

    Black: It tricks people and Pokémon into committing heinous acts by waving its tail hypnotically. Even the wisest are tempted by its sheer beauty.

    White: Malaconda's tail is said to cause those who see it to become mindless followers. Many children have been taken this way, never to return.

    BW2: It is rumored that those foolish enough to succumb to the trickery of Malaconda are punished eternally in the afterlife.

    Show Hide
    Black's is more or less a general overview and is not very... Evil sounding? I suppose that's a decent enough way to put it. It's more Pokémon-esque, and similar to something you'd find typically in many a Pokémon's entry. It does, however, lampshade that it is easy for it to corrupt others into doing deplorable crimes, and outright states that it's not a Jedi Mind Trick going on here - it is legitimate hypnotic suggestion that can tempt more than the weak-minded.

    For White, I wanted to be really creepy with at least one of them, going into the vein of Hypno's stealing of children in the FireRed dex entry. I figured Malaconda would be great for it, since I believe Dracoyoshi suggested that Malaconda would be a legitimately evil Pokémon.

    This also bleeds into the BW2 entry, which references its learning of Punishment via level-up (the last move, potentially referencing what will happen last?) BW2's also has allusions to God's wrath should a person choose to follow Satan's ways/sin/etc. The afterlife is indeed mentioned in other entries, such as Dusknoir's, so I felt it was still appropriate here.

  15. The Steam Punk

    The Steam Punk

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    WIP, for now.

    Malaconda, the Tempting Pokémon.

    Black: The fruit on its tail is fabled to be the most delicious in the world, though it has never let anyone taste it.

    White: It preys on less intelligent Pokémon who are easily lured by its apple, as it finds tricking them amusing.

    BW2: To attract prey, its apple takes on a glossy sheen, making it look mouthwateringly delicious even to the smartest Pokémon.
  16. Soul Fly

    Soul Fly IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
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    WIP (obv)

    Malaconda the Malicious Pokemon

    Black: Humans over the centuries have been allured by the fruit that hangs by its tail, but it is considered taboo to eat it.

    White: It has been said to survive the toughest of famines by consuming it's own fruit which regenerates in the presence of sunlight.

    BW2: It lures it's prey with a sweet scent which causes paralysis and then swoops in for the kill.


    Change Reasons (open)

    White and BW2 entries changed keeping in mind Quanyails' input and general flavour. Removed blatant connections with the 'original sin' and made it more Subtle:

    Entry Explanations:

    Black: This is a flavour based description which refers to the pokemon's characteristics

    White: This is play on it's primary ability (harvest) which gives us a twisted view on cannibalism, albeit diluted. Pretty much in line with some outrageous 5th gen pokedex entries

    B2W2: I noticed this pokemon learns both 'Sweet Scent' and 'Stun Spore' and it seems a perfect flavour fit with the hunting habits of a malicious and a deceptive pokemon while also incorporating stealth aspects of it's snake-like origins.
  17. Snaquaza

    Snaquaza

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    WIP

    Malaconda the Alluring Pokemon

    Black: These Pokemon are very rare, if one is spotted, children are not allowed to play outside.

    White: This Pokemon normally only shows its apple, once unsuspecting prey is close, it suddenly emerges and wraps itself around the prey.

    BW2: There have been cases that small children take a bite of the fruit on its tail, this will paralyze them and will let them fall prey to Malaconda.
  18. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Comments and opinions for people's entries inside the hide tags.

    Show Hide

    • srk1214: Very nice blend of Malaconda's tail, behavior, and ontology. :) It fits all of the bullets I look for, and it backs up the flavor it has acquired otherwise. There's Fridge Horror on why exactly no one has described Malaconda's apple's taste, which is a bonus for Malaconda's entry on TV Tropes.
    • Unoriginal Name: Real-world fruits aren't mentioned in standard pokedex entries, so I'd just make the minor switch from 'apple' to 'fruit' in the Black entry. That's an interesting addition to the story behind the snake, with Sleeping Beauty. Shame it doesn't learn a sleep-inducing move. White's entry is generically good. :D B2/W2's, though, is a bit turgid in structure. There're two "and"s in the one sentence that have the same structure, where one "and" could be replaced with a comma (add the Oxford one, too, if you prefer). Even with that, though, the list description of what it does doesn't seem consecutive. It does one thing because or to do something else, right? It doesn't take a silent, stealthy approach and feel secure at the same time, I'd think. A tad of reformatting should do for that entry, and it's otherwise great!
    • Scorpio: The only thing I have of concern with your entries (which are fine in content) is the B2/W2 one: the first 'sentence' is actually a fragment. That is not unheard of in pokedex entries, but there was a small issue with that at the end of Necturna's pokedex entries, where the entry that had a fragment was changed so that the line was a full sentence.
    • RivRivRiv: The Black entry's a tad simple and frank, isn't it? I'd be surprised, to say the least, to see that as the entry for a snake if I just browse by. Perhaps just downplay the corruptive parts of it? For the White entry: 'a target' is singular, and 'they' is plural. Please change the pronoun or antecedent for consistency. :) I would, personally, put a comma after 'target', though it's not required with those introductory phrases. I like how B2/W2's entry coincides with Dracoyoshi8's depiction of it, so that's a bonus. :D
    • Jirachi6: Someone uses the proper pronoun that goes with 'anyone' who's not me! :D I'm just in glee about that. Well, ahm, for the actual pokedex entries: I like them! It puts focus on Malaconda and its personality more toward the fruit, even if there is focus on it at all. Just make sure that the 'BW' entry is for 'BW2'.
    • CJorex: In the Black entry, "They" parallels with "guard"; the words should both be either singular or plural. I like the entry as a whole, especially the last portion, since it feels like it's worded in a way like in-game entries. The White entry's a nice sidelong reference to the Genesis story, though I'm not sure if you need 'recent'. If you have one pokedex entry that references something Biblical, I feel it's a bit much to have a second. Hence, I'd change an entry (if rules permit) to something more related to Malaconda itself.
    • paintseagull: Apples do not exist in the main series. :P Changing the word to 'fruit' wouldn't hurt the Black entry, would it? "Appears" in the sentence also sounds odd; to whom does it appear to be most delicious? Do you mean "appears" as in, this fruit has the same appearance as a piece of fruit known for its taste? (If so, would 'mimic' substitute 'appear' well in that sentence?) I like the pyrrhic sentence structure of the White entry; contrasts nicely with the others. The B2/W2 entry does a good job implying Malaconda's behavior while revealing more about its habitat and interactions with other pokemon.
    • mcFlareon: Your White entry barely makes it in the word limits outlined in the first post, and I have to admit, it's quite long for a 5th-generation pokedex entry. Certainly it could be condensed? Between your two variations on the B2/W2 entry, I'd go with the first one. I like the idea nonetheless, as it certainly fits its design and character!
    • Qwilphish: Might you replace 'apple' with 'fruit', as apples do not exist in the main series? :) The first two entries, otherwise, are fine. The third, B2/W2 entry, ehm... well, honestly, you're going to have to blur the words a lot for it to become appealing to me. It's really blatant with referencing the Bible, something not found in in-game entries. Subtlety, please. :)
    • Eagle4: Yay, short entries. I see too many longer ones that don't compare with those of 5th generation pokedex entries. I wish I could take the White entry with more seriousness, though, as the others compare well with in-game vocabulary and syntax.
    • Timeblaze: No comma before 'and' for the Black entry; commas are only used when you're conjugating two sentences rather than predicates. I'd change the 'apple' in the White entry to 'fruit', as apples are real-life fruits that only exist in PMD instead of 5th generation games. I have no criticism for the actual content of your entries, as they depict Malaconda's character well as well as adding a smidge of references in there.
    • Shiruba: I'm fine with the entries, though they face competition with other entries that describe the tail as hypnotic and Malaconda as being rumored of something mythical. Only concern I have is confusion on White entry's second sentence. What do you mean by "called this way"? "Become this way" (minus "been")?
    • The Steam Punk: I'd change 'apple' to 'fruit', as apples don't exist in the main series. Tropius's fruits resemble bananas, yet they are consistently called generic 'fruit'. I love its behavior described in the entries, though. :D Not too much focus on just the fruit or its mythology, but the snake itself, as what would be expected in a pokedex entry. There's nice variety yet unity between the three entries.
    • Soul Fly: Comma before "but" in the Black entry, and "it's" should be "its' when it's a possessive adjective. I don't think you should've dedicated two entries to the history around Malaconda. One is fine or alluding to them in multiple entries is fine, but the Black and B2/W2 entries are rather blatant in describing its origins. It's not my favorite set of entries out of the ones posted so far. :/
    • Snaquaza: "Pokemon" in the top phrase should not be bolded. :) Don't forget when you finalize it! In terms of grammar and syntax: you have comma splices. Make sure you know where sentences break and either divide them with periods and capital letters, use conjunctions, or use a semicolon if the latter sentence follows from the previous one. I'd rather not use "apple" in your entries, as apples do not exist in the main Pokemon series. "Fruit" works. I have subjective edits for you; if you'd rather not accept them, that's fine, as they are not critical to the structure of your sentences. The Black entry makes odd use of the passive tense in the second sentence. It averts the noun--presumably, parents--who would shy children away from the outdoors. You'd expect some action to happen with the phrase that begins with "if", yet it doesn't come. In the White entry, "pop up" is a weak choice of words for a predator (I'd expect) like Malaconda. "Springs", "lunges", "strikes", and "attacks" all have more intenseness to it than the words you selected. The B2/W2 entry is okay if that comma splice is resolved, but it puts less focus on Malaconda and instead more on the fruit on its tail and children.
  19. Dracoyoshi8

    Dracoyoshi8 weapon of mass seduction
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    Malaconda the Forbidden Pokemon

    Black: It is said taking a single bite of Malaconda's fruit causes great misfortune. It inhabits gardens and orchards.

    White: Malaconda dangles its tail above the heads of people. When they reach up to pick the fruit, it strikes.

    B2/W2: Legends say that people who bite from the fruit on Malaconda's tail would fall into a deep sleep.
  20. Alcorzar

    Alcorzar

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2013
    Messages:
    14
    WIP!

    Malaconda
    , the Chaos Snake Pokémon.

    Black: Those who ingest the fruit on Malaconda's tail are said to have psychedelic experiences which can cause life-changing epiphanies.

    White: When a Malaconda inhabits an area, it can wipe out ecosystems of all non-plant life with its destructive, gluttonous rampages.

    BW2: Recent archeological evidence suggests that ancient societies either worshiped or vilified Malaconda thanks to its chaotic character.
  21. Spork

    Spork

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2011
    Messages:
    409
    Malaconda, the Garden Snake Pokemon

    Black: This Pokemon spends hours lolling on sun-blanched branches. Should it fail to bask, its leaves will yellow and it will become tired.

    White: Its thorns secrete a venom that makes other Pokemon more suggestible. Prickled Buneary are often seen tottering towards its gaping maw.

    BW2: Inquisitive trainers should be wary of basking Malaconda. Though it appears to doze, it never truly sleeps.

    My White entry plays on the idea of photosynthesising plant/cold-blooded reptile, my Black entry focuses on the manipulative/Dark-type aspect of its character, and my BW2 entry sort of ties them together.

    Show Hide

    @srk1214 hehe, I love the White entry
    @paintseagull your BW2 entry has gobs of charm and I love it.
    @Mcflareon like obviously yours is really good, but I'm not sure what the "even experienced travellers fall victim" really adds here and it seems too ambiguous and strangely at odds with your first idea.
    @Qwuilphish what links inhabitants of rural towns and cave-dwellers? The BW2 entry seems a bit confused. I dislike "God's Creation" mostly because I personally prefer areligious entries.
    @Quanyails I like the consistency of theme. I'm unsure about "pungent" - the word makes me consider smell as well as taste, and I'm not sure that any fruit described as "pungent" could be outwardly appealing enough to eat. Perhaps use a word that refers more specifically to taste - bitter, sour etc.?
    @Eagle4 hahah Delibird. Your BW2 entry is really good, one of my favorites really.
    @Timeblaze your BW2 entry is cute and all but seems weirdly anti-evolutionary for pokemon. I guess we're dealing with biblical ideas here but ugh whatever.
    @Shiruba not generally a fan of entries that are all lolreligiousmoralism, but there's a logical progression to your entries that is really cool. I would say that the ambiguity of the word "follow" in the BW2 entry specifically is sort of confusing - are people being punished eternally for literally just walking after it? Perhaps reword- each entry needs to work out of context of the others.
    @The Steam Punk your White entry might be best-in-thread right now - just really evocative and fun.
    @Dracoyoshi8 it is said "that" taking a single bite of Malaconda's fruit causes great misfortune, please. I like how the ideas are disparate whilst remaining cohesive~
    @Alcorzar both your Black and BW2 entries seem to leave too much to imagination; I guess I'd want to know WHY or HOW people are being corrupted, or specifically what "corrupted" or "twist the hearts" here means - give examples, don't just tell us vaguely.
  22. The Royal Guard

    The Royal Guard

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,495
    Malaconda: The Vengeful Snake Pokemon

    White: It is said that if someone can befriend a Malaconda, it will give the apple off of its tail which supposedly can cure any aliment

    Black: Anyone who takes the apple from this pokemons tail against it's will is said to be cursed eternally.

    Black/White2: Malaconda is said to help those who are pure while damning any evil.
  23. Kirbyofthestars

    Kirbyofthestars

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2012
    Messages:
    206
    Might as well try! WIP

    Malaconda, the Allure Pokémon

    Black: The fruit on this Pokémon's tail secretes a wonderful aroma that draws in many naive Pokémon.

    White: This Pokémon's Glare is often enough to incapacitate prey and foes alike; it attacks those that are unaffected.

    BW2: Pokémon that are drawn in by Malaconda's deceptive charms find that it is too late to escape from this slow but powerful snake.


    All of my Pokédex entries for Malaconda revolve around it luring in other Pokémon- either to eat or to attack (or even to run away from, although that is not mentioned). All of the entries make reference to different aspects of Malaconda:
    The entry for Black directly mentions part of its design- its tail- and what one would assume its use would be.
    The entry for White makes a direct mention of a (rather significant) move that Malaconda uses, Glare.
    The entry for BW2 alludes to its base stats, specifically the low speed and attack, as well as mentioning the various deceptions (albeit in only two words) employed by Malaconda.
  24. iamdanielcruces

    iamdanielcruces

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    81
    WIP:

    Malaconda, the Curiosity Pokemon

    Black: A highly specialized predator, it usually hunts by luring the smartest and most curious Pokemon.

    White: It has coexisted with humans for millennia, appearing as a trickster in many folk tales and legends.

    BW2: Some theories relate it to other snake Pokemon, but Malaconda's origins still elude researchers.

    I'm trying to describe its role as a specially-defensive tank somehow, and also to connect it with its "biblical" origins. I like the idea of Malaconda's origins "u-turning" around scientists, who come up with new, more farfetched theories every once in a while.

    Any comments are most appreciated.
  25. Psylink

    Psylink

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2012
    Messages:
    256
    This might be worth a try!

    WIP:

    Malaconda, the Poison Apple Pokemon

    Black: Malaconda hides in bushes, and lures prey in with the apple on it's tail, then strikes, as it did in biblical times.

    White: Malaconda isn't evil as it may seem, it was made evil by the mistakes of the past, in ancient times, where Arceus was watching closely.

    BW2: Malaconda lures prey with the apple on it's tail. Even if that won't work, it can do something else while taking specially based hits.

    I can make any edits if needed. :D
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