Rock, Paper, Scissors, INFINITY! - Round 1

[Kumar]

I missed the signups :(

A flask filled with potato vodka
versus...
A mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle

Along came a moron wearing a mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle. For he was such a moron that he didn't know the mysticality and the magic contained in the monocle. He stumbled upon a flask filled with potato vodka. He gulped it down. He got drunk. He fell on his ass and broke the monocle.
Winner: Flask of vodka.


User StrangerDanger with a working chainsaw for his right hand
versus...
E. Honda carrying a ghettoblaster and weilding a whip made out of barbed wire


AD 2015. The sport of sumo wrestling has evolved a lot in the past decade. It is now a virtual sport, where weapons are now allowed. The old rules still apply: you win if you push the opponent out of the circle. Only now, it doesn’t matter if they are dead or alive.
Onto our match. Today we haven the tenacious and recently shaved StrangerDanger pitted against a sumo legend Edmond Honda of Street Fighter. Honda sets down his Ghettoblaster which promptly starts playing the classic all-time favourite ‘Baby got back’. Seems like Honda likes big butts. Meanwhile, SD is not amused. He starts up his chainsaw hand and lets out a loud roar. No one can ignore that. It’s on. Honda braces himself as SD charges. SD swings his chainsaw at Honda’s neck but Honda is p. fast for a sumo wrestler. He easily ducks and replies with a Hundred Hand Slap, his special move which is even more effect as he has his barbed-wire whip around his hand. SD lets out a groan, but takes it like a man. SD prepares for a body slam. He connects. Honda is out of breath but not hurt. Angered, Honda unwinds his whip. A loud ‘snap’ and Honda has his whip around SD’s neck. He’s going to choke him out. But SD thinks fast and remembers that this is no-holds-barred. He knees Honda in the groin. Honda is knocked down. With the crowd cheering him on, SD cuts Honda in two and chucks him out of the ring.
Winner: StrangerDanger with a chainsaw-hand.



Blackheart's trenchantly lurid heart as it pumps calmly yet powerfully in the froth of battle with Dark Akuma to decide the fate of the world.
versus...
Gary Oak's girth

Gary Oak rolls over whatever the fuck the first thing is. You can’t ignore Gary Oak’s girth.
Winner: Gary Oak’s girth.


Ballsack-Fu as featured in the film Pom Poko performed by the man (or beast??) with the largest ballsack in the world.
versus...
A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility. (The user responsible for this submittal wrote a pretty amusing/eloquent text introducing his weapon, so I'd advise you to check it out as well)
Deep in the heart of the Arizona Desert, there is a small hut, known only to the most high ranking officials at the Pentagon. You see, this hut, really conceals the entrance to a top secret research facility.
This facility is deep underground, and can be only reached by a tunnel leading from the basement of the small inoccuous hut. This facility is where the American military develops its most deadly weapons. If the general public were to find out about the abominations created therein, it would be the most damaging military scandal in the history of this great nation (pretend I am american for a bit).
The facility consists of 16 levels, each one involved in experiments exponentially more horriffic than the last. I have only heard rumours of what goes on on the 3 topmost levels, but when I was first told I was unable to sleep for days, such was my shock. I assure you that you are happier not knowing even the little that I know of the sinister perversions of nature these monsters in scientists clothing are undertaking.
But the 16th level, I know exactly what is contained. And I must share this with you. There is over a mile of security checks. It takes on average two days to pass security to reach this level, so that they have a room where you can sleep within the security checks. The security leads to a single room, now several kilometers below the earth. In this room there is a single bright red button, and above it a sign that reads "do not press under any circumstances ever". For my weapon in this battle, I choose that very sign.


A raccoon with rather large testicles somehow passes through all the security checks. Ignoring the sign, it smacks the red button with the aforementioned testes. (FART). All the creatures in the world fart collectively. The resultant mix of gases is obnoxious and deadly. The raccoon dies a smelly and slow death. Everything else dies too. The raccoon shouldn’t have ignored the sign.
Winner: Sign above red button.




A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed
versus...
User Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.

Kristy Haruka’s minge wanted some. But boys avoided Kristy like the plague. She wasn’t easy even if she was dumb as shit. Kristy was full of illogical feminist propaganda and wanted to be the future president of the United States of America. No boy ever dared enter her panties. Her minge was getting angry.
One fine day, a boxing kangaroo, traversing the world in search of worthy opponents to fight, came across a very pretty young thing. Little did he know that she was the dreaded Kristy Haruka. Young Max ran upto the kangaroo to warn him about the impending danger, but the kangaroo was high (for that is how he fought so well). Max told him “you’re high right now. DO NOT approach Kristy.” To which the kangaroo replied “cloud is a towel”.
Kristy’s minge shouted from the nether “what the fuck you looking at kangaroo”. The kangaroo didn’t like this tone of voice. Being amazingly strong, the kangaroo punched Kristy in the crotch. But being a girl, Kristy was unaffected. She did however think it was rude and started bombarding the kangaroo about how he should be nice to girls and also about the ill effects of drugs. The kangaroo was so high, it all whizzed past him. Kristy got too tired and left to go get a pedicure. The kangaroo got the munchies and went with his buddy Doomsday to grab a burger.
Winner: Kangaroo



Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
versus...
User Junior, having just consumed a CK sized portion of sugar.


Junior liked rap-music a lot. He also liked pop-music and also gospel music. His favourite was Snoop Doggy Dogg. He went to a concert once high on a rather large cup of sugar. On stage was Snoop Dogg. Wearing Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. And also a turban. What the fuck? A turban?

Junior thought he was seeing things. And he didn’t like what he was seeing. But what could young junior do? He tried sneaking in backstage, but wore himself out. His body had probably pumped too much insulin. Junior was carried home in a stretcher.
Winner: Snoop Dogg



SHOERIKEN. You know those ninja stars? This is the shoe version. First, you kick someone in the face, then a star flies out with blades on all sides, turning everyone into a dirty pile of blood. It can be programmed into three different modes: slices, pieces or invisible bits. After using it, please clean it before putting it back in your shoe. It has a rechargable battery that gets its energy out of walking with the shoe it's in.
versus...
Big Sausage Pizza.

A wild jynx appears!
The wild jynx eats Big Sausage Pizza.
Shoeriken wins!
Winner: Shoeriken


A scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades.
versus...
The Robot Mafia

The scarecrow walks down a dark alleyway where he is ambushed by robot mafia, hundreds of them, who are after the many valuables the scarecrow carries. Guess walking into dark alleyways alone is not a good idea.
Winner: Robot Mafia

 

[monkfish]

holy shit i thought this was going to be one-liners from the judges like on IRC

 

[Toothache]

Big tournament calls for bigger judgements, and these are just epic. thunda is my new favourite user

 

[Morm]

looks like I'm set for a loss

 

[StrangerDanger]

Isy/Doomsday/Brain

MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION. GARY OAK'S GIRTH CANNOT BE IGNORED.

 

[Brain]

BEHOLD!

============================================================

A flask filled with potato vodka
versus...
A mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle

Sitting alone at the bar, Alfred was completely drunk, to the point where he could not contain his aggression. That is how he came to call Mister Gentleman, a spiffy englishman with a heart of gold, sporting a monocle and a top hat, a "socialist". Of course, that was very misplaced for Mister Gentleman was a capitalist of genius and made it a point of honor to pay little children in Taiwan the bare minimum that can guarantee optimal productivity. Alfred became violent, and a bouncer quickly threw him out of the bar, making sure to tell him afterwards to "come back tomorrow", for he was indeed a pretty good customer.

Alfred, mumbling incoherently, took a flask out of his pocket with the obvious intent to drown his sorrow in some more vodka. Unfortunately, the flask was empty. At this very moment, a shady gentleman noticed his disarray and proposed to fill his flask with half of the contents of his own flask. Happily, our favorite drunkard accepted the deal, and once it was done and the shady man disappeared in the shadows of the unseen, he drank to socialism (yeah he didn't make much sense at that time). Suddenly, his throat became as painful as a truck of needles would be if you had it up your butt. At this very moment, Mister Gentleman came out of the bar chatting with a pleasant lady. His eyes made contact with Alfred and he immediately understood that his agony was due to an allergic reaction to potato vodka.

Listening to nothing but his incredible humanity, Mister Gentleman rubbed the left side of his monocle, which became a bright maroon. Using the molecular-morphing powers of his monocle and focus only an english gentleman could hold, he morphed the particles of potato one by one into various harmless byproducts. The deed done, Alfred came to his senses and understood what just happened. He awkwardly gaped to offer Mister Gentleman a glass of rum, something he would normally never refuse, but in the middle of thinking about doing it, he saw the hot redhead who kept him company and decided that a few words of gratitude would be enough. "Thanksh you mishter gee" he said before collapsing. When he woke up the next morning, he noticed his left kidney was gone, but after a few seconds of panic he realized he had another one and went back home safe.

Winner: the monocle

============================================================

User StrangerDanger with a working chainsaw for his right hand
versus...
E. Honda carrying a ghettoblaster and weilding a whip made out of barbed wire

"TWO ENTER, ONE COMES OUT!"
"TWO ENTER, ONE COMES OUT!"

The crowd was chanting as the two challengers entered the ring. The first challenger was well known user StrangerDanger, whose right hand was replaced by a working chainsaw. He responded to the chants with a roar. The second challenger was E. Honda of Street Fighter fame, wielding a whip made out of barbed wire as well as a ghettoblaster. He put the blaster on the ground and started playing music. The music was a hideous mix of country and jpop, and from that moment on StrangerDanger knew that this fight was not going to be easy.

Trying his best to ignore the music, StrangerDanger fought a pumped up E. Honda. Ten minutes of unsuccessful attacks went by (had they been successful, the game would be pretty much over) Then, in a strange turn of events, StrangerDanger and E. Honda cut each other's fighting arms using their weapons. Both foes had to get their weapons back as quickly as possible. While E. Honda rushed to get back his whip, our dear Smogon user saw the ghettoblaster and had a brilliant idea. Picking it up with his valid hand with the help of his beard, SD threw the ghettoblaster on E. Honda's head, knocking him out and ending the hideous music. SD bludgeoned his opponent to death and went back to his chainsaw to sever his head, who he then presented to a hysteric crowd.

Winner: StrangerDanger

============================================================

Blackheart's trenchantly lurid heart as it pumps calmly yet powerfully in the froth of battle with Dark Akuma to decide the fate of the world.
versus...
Gary Oak's girth

Before deciding of the fate of the world, Blackheart decided to go on IRC (or TeenChat or wherever that nonsense occurred). Here is a transcript:

<blackhaert666> hallo where are the girlz at??

In PM with minge14xxx
<blackhaert666> pokemoan you say?
<minge14xxx> no pokemon
<blackhaert666> yeah i meant that
<minge14xxx> yeah
<blackhaert666> ill do it but you will have to lead, i have never done it pokemon syile b4

Blackheart was confused, but strangely aroused. This was going to be interesting...

<minge14xxx> ok i wanna be misty

Blackheart hesitated for a second. Who is the main protagonist in Pokemon? Ah, yes! Ash!

<blackhaert666> ill be ash?
<minge14xxx> okay ash, lets hurry up the hot springs are just over this hill
<blackhaert666> Sure, we better hurry aye i need a good soke
<minge14xxx> ok i'm going to be a while changing, you can enter the springs at your leisure
<blackhaert666> sure, ill wait.. i stip off and step in the lovely pools

"Ah, girls! Always taking their time!" Blackheart thought dearly as he remembered the six hours his first girlfriend spent in the bathroom crying and whining awkwardly while he was patiently waiting for her twelve years old ass to come out, right by the door with a butcher knife.

<minge14xxx> I silently walk up behind you and cover your eyes as we enter the pool
<blackhaert666> What? who is that? i wave my hands about and knock your boob by accedent

Blackheart chuckled at his undeniable skills at cheerful roleplay.

<minge14xxx> i chuckle as i take off my fake breasts and put my dick in your but as i reveal that i am really Gary Oak
<minge14xxx> pokemon master

"WHAT!?!" Blackheart remembered his Anger Management course (in fact that was just a movie but don't tell him). He decided to play it smooth.

<blackhaert666> weirdo
<minge14xxx> take it ash take it
<blackhaert666> ignoring you now
<minge14xxx> you cant ignore my girth

That line is what did it for Blackheart. Howling like a madman, he decided that really, fuck this world and everything it stands for. Thanks to Gary Oak's girth, this world was going to end and he was going to rule chaos for the next infinity of eons. Fuck you, Gary. Fuck you.

Winner: Blackheart

============================================================

Ballsack-Fu as featured in the film Pom Poko performed by the man (or beast??) with the largest ballsack in the world.
versus...
A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility. (The user responsible for this submittal wrote a pretty amusing/eloquent text introducing his weapon, so I'd advise you to check it out as well)

Donald "Gonald" Bond, Agent code 82-007 was the cream of the crop of the MI6, freshly promoted in August 2007 (hence his codename) from the Circus of Shenanigans where he occupied the prestigious position of "The man with the largest ballsack in the world". After McCain had won the 2008 presidential elections due to 90% turnout from the ubiquitous DieBold voting machines (a turnout of six billion votes - the Democratic Party could not contest the vote, because they did not want their record-breaking six hundred million votes to be disputed as well, especially since they cheated so hard (but not hard enough) to obtain them), it had become clear to the secret services that the United States of America were planning to take over the world, starting with the very first (and only) nation to oppress them, Great Britain.

This is why Donald got sent off to the Arizona Desert, where McCain's top secret research facility was located. His mission was to access the control system and neutralize the threat. Listening to nothing but his courage, he entered a small hut where an old lady was waiting for him. They locked eyes for several tense seconds, when suddenly the old woman jumped several feet in the air, her right foot thrusting forward. Donald reached in his pockets for a yarn ball which he threw in the opposite corner of the room. The old lady deviated from her deadly course in order to start knitting furiously. Donald sneaked inside the hut's basement, where stairs would descend into the deepest pit of hell.

As soon as he entered the first level of the facility, Donald was greeted by an army of white ninjas. He quickly dispatched them with a series of devastating pelvic thrusts. Our hero took a quick glance at his right, where several dumbfounded white coats were staring at their Linux computers, before hurrying down to the second level. It was as poorly guarded as the first one, and so were the next twelve. On the fifteenth floor, however, Gonald was greeted by the most hideous, fearsome and dangerous creature he had ever met.

Now, this narrator here is in a conundrum, for what he had in mind would be a class A entry in its own right, and he does not want to spoil it. Therefore, let's just say that this creature was not unlike the monster in Cloverfield, except you don't get to see a single frame. The fight with the monster lasted two days, a tense battle of tentacle against testicle, only interrupted by lunch, sleep and other natural urges. At the end of the second day, any outside observer would have concluded that this battle could only lead to a tie. However, after all this time, Donald had found that despite its tough exterior, the monster's brain was feeble and quite easily distracted. Pulling down his pants, Donald started moving his hips in a clockwise fashion, starting a pendulum motion of his balls that finally put the monster to sleep. He proceeded to tiptoe to the final, sixteenth level.

The sixteenth level was devoid of any form of life, whether it be human, beast or republican. It had, however, an incredible amount of security checks, ranging from entering digit codes and scanning fingerprints to solving Rubik's cubes or licking Tootsie Pops. Donald was resourceful, so the tests were no match for his wit. There even was a room to sleep right in the middle of the checks! How hospitable! After two days of intensive checking, Donald finally was granted access to the final room.

In the middle of the room, there was a large red button. Following the most basic of human instincts, he ran towards the button in order to press it. But wait! There was a sign just above that button. That sign read: "do not press under any circumstances ever". Donald quickly put his brain to work in order to evaluate whether, in fact, the present situation belonged to the category of "any circumstances, ever", and indeed it did. This paralyzed him for a good five minutes, because it appealed to Donald's greatest strength (which was also his greatest weakness): his willingness to obey any order given to him. Our hero was literally torn apart by his incredible desire to press the button, and his inability to disobey the order written on the sign. Suddenly, spikes emerged from the left and right walls, and both walls started moving towards him, slow enough that he could figure out what was going on, but fast enough to put him in a state of panic. Panicked, he attacked the walls with his balls, to no avail - much to the contrary, in fact, since it injured him. He looked at the sign with hope - perhaps it erased itself? But no! It was still there, and Donald's index finger was shaking uncontrollably above the button. Was he going to press it?

*Splat*. Donald was crushed by the walls, and after doing their dirty deed, the spikes retracted and the walls retrieved their original position. Flamethrowers emerged and incinerated his body, then sprinklers popped out in order to clean the whole mess. Ironically, the button did stop the mechanism and opened a window to a terminal which would have allowed Bond to complete his mission. The sign's own mission was clear - to prevent any intruder to press the button and gain access to the vital control system. In this respect, we can only bow to its brilliant success. We may also sigh deeply at the resounding failure of Donald's impressive ballsack to save him when it mattered most.

Winner: the sign

============================================================

A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed
versus...
User Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.

"I'm sooooooooooooooo high" said the boxing kangaroo to user Kristy Haruka.

Kristy Haruka decided to ignore the remark in order to concentrate on a very difficult mental task. Completely stuck in her reasoning, she asked with a glimmer of hope:

"Soooooooo.... who is the best singer Paris Hilton or Britney Spears??"

This was more or less the kind of conversation where both interlocutors ignore each other and it turns out that their dialogue is pretty much nothing more than two alternating monologues. However, what the boxing kangaroo said next was something that Kristy Haruka could not ignore:

"Hey! Check out what I can do!"

The kangaroo took the joint out of his mouth and placed it in his pouch. His pouch then proceeded to smoke furiously. Unfazed and sporting an unusually determined look on her face, Kristy Haruka pulled down her pants and commanded: "give the joint!". The kangaroo obliged, not without taking a last puff. She then inserted the joint in her minge and she, too, smoked furiously.

"But... can you do THIS?" and then the kangaroo took out a chain of scarves from his pouch. It seemed like it would never end, but indeed after two hundred scarves the chain ended. "Easy!" replied Kristy. She then proceeded to do the same thing, pulling THREE hundred scarves from her minge. The kangaroo was miffed, but then he turned downright angry as Kristy nonchalantly sucked the chain back inside her like a child sucking in a spaghetti.

"I challenge you to TENNIS" he said in a deep voice. He stuck a tennis racket in his pouch, while Kristy would insert one in her minge. The kangaroo was first to serve. While it was a great service, Kristy's return was even greater. To his smash she responded with a double lob which bonked him on the head after doing an eight-figure. To his lob she responded with a quantum smash where the ball entered in a quantum superposition of states at various positions and speeds, reducing the probability of a return to nearly zero. The only time she was about to lose a set, a bear arm extended from her minge holding the racket and returned the ball as strongly as a bear can smash balls.

After losing the match soundly, the boxing kangaroo was now enraged and he punched Kristy in the minge. Unfortunately, he got stuck, and it is only after several minutes of Kristy clamping his fist that he finally managed to get it out... without his boxing glove. Embarrassed by the loss of his status as a boxing kangaroo, he decided to punch himself to death with his remaining fist. After he did so, Kristy sucked him up in her minge and returned to her small notebook where she finally wrote "Paris Hilton is superior to Britney Spears, but clearly Lindsay Lohan is in her own league".

Winner: Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.

============================================================

Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
versus...
User Junior, having just consumed a CK sized portion of sugar.

On this rainy day of October, User Junior was home alone and he was very hungry. Filled with hope, he opened the fridge, but to his great disappointment he found absolutely nothing in it. Onions, green peppers, salad, multigrain bread, dijon mustard... nothing, really. To tell the truth, the only edible thing left in the house was a huge bag of brown sugar. Blinded by hunger, he completely forgot the cautionary tale represented by User CaptKirby and he poured himself a whole glass of sugar, which he consumed in mere minutes. The sugar did not skip a beat in installing itself in his brain and transforming him into a raging lunatic.

Boosted by sugar, Junior ran in front of the TV and jumped on the couch. He crushed most buttons of the remote control before finally tuning to his favorite channel. On the little screen, behold! as Snoop Doggy Dogg was dancing to a colorful rap, sporting nothing less than the most colorful jacket ever known to man, the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The overload of stimuli drove Junior insane and from then on he only had one mission: kill Snoop Doggy Dogg and steal his jacket. He rushed outside with no plan because, you know, fuck plans, and started running like a madman towards the studio which was conveniently located a few blocks down the street.

As suddenly as the sugar over-excited him, the excitement dropped and in the aftermath Junior realized something terrible about himself. He has no more emotions. The sugar drained them. And not only had he no emotions anymore, he was now convinced that emotions were for pussies and let his eyes drift to the nearest cheese shop, which had a convenient rebate on blocks of cheese. Unfortunately, all of this happened in the middle of the road and a limo came out of nowhere to run over him. As poor Junior seemed to have survived the blow, the limo's driver backed down and finished the job. Of course, dear reader, you surely guessed that this was Snoop Doggy Dogg's very own limo.

Winner: Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

============================================================

SHOERIKEN. You know those ninja stars? This is the shoe version. First, you kick someone in the face, then a star flies out with blades on all sides, turning everyone into a dirty pile of blood. It can be programmed into three different modes: slices, pieces or invisible bits. After using it, please clean it before putting it back in your shoe. It has a rechargable battery that gets its energy out of walking with the shoe it's in.
versus...
Big Sausage Pizza.

As the Big Sausage Pizza arrived to Johnny's home, his salivary glands started secreting in an industrious fashion. Finally! he told himself, he was going to stuff his face with meat! When he opened the box, however, the story was quite not what he expected. There was nothing wrong with the pizza, of course: fine bread covered with tomato sauce made from the best tomatoes and fine herbs in the world, a thick layer of fine cheese and a copious amount of sausages made from pigs so happy it looked like the sausages were laughing. No. The problem was that the pizza wasn't cut. Johnny was panicking! How was he going to enjoy this pizza if it was not cut properly? He had no tools to cut the pizza, and the last three times he tried to use a knife, he lost respectively his left little finger, right middle finger and the third toe of his left foot. "This pizza is ruined", he muttered in an incoherent string of high-pitched noises that I am translating for your benefit.

Suddenly, he heard a noise in his front yard and before he could even make a move to check what it was, a man crashed through his window. The man was wearing tight pants and a cape, glasses and an irresistible beard. On his shirt was a large "D". Dumbfounded, Johnny asked the man, "but... but... who are you???". "My name is James. James Albis", said the man. "And I am here to help". Johnny was impressed. James Albis, who also went under the name Super Dweedle, but thought his real name was cooler (and damn straight it is), the defender of italian food everywhere and a fantastic musician.

With his trademark elegance, Dweedle looked at the sausage pizza with such focus and intent that it made the atmosphere vibrate with suspense. Nodding quietly, he started running around in Johnny's living room. "But, Super Dweedle, what are you doing?" said Johnny. To which our superhero responded that he was charging up. After a mere thirty seconds during which he used his super speed to travel forty miles and left a three millimeters deep trail on the floor, James kicked up in the air and launched a shoeriken towards the pizza. Perfect cut!. He quickly jumped forty-five degrees to the left and shot a second shoeriken. He shot four shoerikens in all, cutting the delicious pizza in eight completely equal slices. Johnny was impressed and in tears. "My meal is saved! Thanks Super Dweedle!", he said while Super Dweedle gave him a glittering smile which represented everything that was holy in America: justice, equity, freedom and well-cut sausage pizzas.

Winner: SHOERIKEN.

============================================================

A scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades.
versus...
The Robot Mafia

In a field in North Dakota is a scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades. That scarecrow constitutes a quite interesting paradox: as a scarecrow, its main quality is to repel crows. However, crows are attracted to shiny things (such as silver heels and emerald shades), and the global result is that the scarecrow created a sort of equilibrium where crows would fly in a stationary position at a certain distance, unable to go closer because they were scared, but unable to get away either because they wanted the shiny objects so damn much. That left them in a position of vulnerability. Indeed it was very easy for farmer Gabriel to kill stationary crows with a pickaxe and save precious time and bullets.

In the last fall, seventy crows were slaughtered by this brilliant device. Worried about this situation, the Crow Syndicate decided that something had to be done. They tried to get help from other birds, but they too were repelled by the scarecrow and were not as greedy as the crows. That only left them with one option, though it was not one they appreciated much. They had to appeal to the Robot Mafia.

The Robot Mafia were tough to negotiate with. They were interested by the scarecrow because they could have sold its parts and used the money to allocate sufficient R&D funds to finally develop a chip which would allow them to feel emotions. However, they would take the stuff without giving the crows their part, should the crows tell them where the scarecrow was. Finally, along with the Robot Mafia leader, CaptKirby, they made the deal that the crows would reveal where the right shade and right heel were located. Upon payment of the shade, they would tell the robots where to find the left parts. This seemed a good idea to Head Honchkrow at the time. Hey, he doesn't have a big brain.

In the end, the Robot Mafia found the scarecrow, dismantled it and sold all parts, with nothing for the crows. However, they failed to acquire emotions and rationally concluded that destroying Toronto (but keeping the Maple Leafs to keep their reputation of ruthless evildoers) was the least thing they could do to quench the anger that they were not feeling.

Winner: Robot Mafia

 

[gorm]

argh brain used knock off ;__;

 

[tape]

Now I wish I had joined this thing ;(

Also Oak > Blackheart

 

[CaptKirby]

sorry but Blackheart would just absorb Oak's dick and that would be the end of that

 

[Morm]

at least brain still has my back. How the fuck can Kristy Harukas minge NOT win?

 

[Huy]

She who must not be named.

 

[Chill Murray]

I didn't even know what a minge was until thunda provided that link.

 

[Shiv]

oh god brain i know exactly where that writing style comes from (in the button vs the ballsack story) and i love you for that.

Now, this narrator here is in a conundrum, for what he had in mind would be a class A entry in its own right, and he does not want to spoil it. Therefore, let's just say that this creature was not unlike the monster in Cloverfield, except you don't get to see a single frame. The fight with the monster lasted two days, a tense battle of tentacle against testicle, only interrupted by lunch, sleep and other natural urges. At the end of the second day, any outside observer would have concluded that this battle could only lead to a tie. However, after all this time, Donald had found that despite its tough exterior, the monster's brain was feeble and quite easily distracted. Pulling down his pants, Donald started moving his hips in a clockwise fashion, starting a pendulum motion of his balls that finally put the monster to sleep. He proceeded to tiptoe to the final, sixteenth level.

if you were trying to emulate him, you did it really fucking well lol

 

[Doomsday]

The man had travelled far to reach this particular spot. Sporting a top hat and a cane, Gen T. Lehmann delved deep into the cave. He read about this very same place many times before; a supposedly mystic cave, filled with all kinds of death traps and enchantments, hiding a most precious treasure: a flask, full of rare Potato Vodka. You see, Gen was both a treasure hunter, and an appreciator of good drinks. He was willing to take the risk.

After defeating numerous Bacardi Bats, Safari Spiders, and even a gigantic Rolling Rock, he had come close to his objective – the Potato Vodka flask. However, once he got near it, thousands of Rum Monkeys descended from holes in the ceiling! Thinking quickly, he concluded it had to come to one, and only one end.

Revealing a Mystical Maroon Molecular-Morphing Monocle (which materialized in his left eye), he shot a laser beam from its lens against the flask of Vodka – acting like a mirror, the flask dispersed the laser beams all over the room, destroying most of the Rum Monkeys. In the process, however, the Potato Vodka overheat and blew up in an explosion of alcohol. Feeling disappointed, but glad to be alive, Gen defeated the remaining monkeys with his cane and left the cave for even greater adventures.
Winner: The Mystical Maroon Molecular-Morphing Monocle.

--

It was the final match in the fighting tournament. His journey had left him scarred beyond any level, but rugged and strong to defeat an army. StrangerDanger rose to the podium and analyzed his opponent: it was the famous sumo-wrestler, E. Honda, who was carrying a ghettoblaster and a whip made out of barbed wire. He ignited his new right hand, a bloody chainsaw, and readied himself.
3…2…1… FIGHT!
E. Honda turned on his ghettoblaster, and StrangerDanger found himself fighting at the sound of Soulja Boy. He hastily slashed the source of the sound, which angered E. Honda. He whipped his barbed wire at StrangerDanger, who, in a quick movement, defended himself using his chainsaw. However, the barbed wire got tangled up in the chainsaw, and in a roar of agony and pain, it exploded, leaving StrangerDanger armless and defeated. Few years after the tournament, SD was seen using a truck as an arm.
Winner: E. Honda, carrying a ghettoblaster and a whip made out of barbed wire.

--

Blackheart was trembling in fury, for he had challenged Gary Oak for a combat, and he was not fighting at all. He just stood there, erect penis in the air, grinning.
Blackheart shouted, “Are you gonna take this seriously or NOT?! You anger me! You dishonor me!”
Gary Oak, however, simply smirked. “My girth…” he calmly said, “… it just can’t be ignored.”
At this point, Blackheart’s heart explodes into a thousand pieces.
Winner: Gary Oak’s girth

--

Trevor, a large canadian who happened to have some gigantic balls, had infiltrated a top secret research facility in Arizona, only to be confronted with a bright, shiny, red button and a sign saying “Do not press under any circumstances.” Now, the thing about Trevor, was that he was ballsy. He had the biggest ballsack ever and the guts to support it. So he pushed the button… and out of nowhere, a mechanical hand reaches for his penis, and masturbates him furiously.
“This isn’t so bad!” thought Trevor. However, the hand didn’t stop until it left Trevor completely semen-less, and with a much smaller scrotum. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH,” he screamed.
His dignity shrunk, Trevor left, feeling sorry for having ignored the sign.
Winner: A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility.

--

On a trip to Australia, Kristy Haruka decided to take a Kanguru back home, confusing him for an attractive Australian. As Steelicks cried in his bed for having failed to invite Kristy to engage in sexual intercourse, Kangoo the Kanguru spent his time smoking weed in Kristy’s bedroom. One day Kristy Haruka was really horny, and decided it was time to take her relationship with Kangoo to the next level, and stripped her panties. Kang, however, was really doped on weed so he ended up… punching her vagina.
As all of her pubic hair fell down to the floor, Kristy abandoned Kangoo in a deserted road and decided that she should settle for a fine Portuguese man such as F. de Sousa instead.
Winner: A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed

--

After consuming a large, CK-like dose of sugar, Junior was unstoppably annoying. He won’t stop claiming he is a ‘nice boi’, and continues to hop in the walls of #smogon like a goddamned flea on fire.
Enter Snoop Doggy Dogg, style recklessly oozing from every area of his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He stops Junior with a flash of his shiny jacket, who stands to eye it, drooling. “Calm down, dawg,” he whispers in Junior ear. “You gotta stand up to The Man.” “Word, my bro,” says Junior, fascinated by the street knowledge of Snoop. “No more mister nice boi…”
Junior then proceeded to try and attack chaos, however he falls defeated. He is then kickbanned from all the irc networks ever and was never heard of again.
Winner: Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

--

Maximilliano Rooster was late for his porno shoot. He got a Big Pizza (since the sausage was still hidden deep in his trousers) to eat along the way. As he ran along with a slice of pizza in his mouth, the deliciousness of the fresh Italian food hit him, and he tripped. As he got up, he realized he didn’t fall by accident – a hooded man had made him trip.
“I am extraordinarily gay,” said the hooded man. “I watched all of your flicks. Will you sign my dick?”
“Please man,” Maxie said, “That’s not how I roll. I only made M/F movies.”
“That’s a shame… Because I got these new shoes. They’re called Shoerikens. Cutting-edge technology. And I am totally gonna slice you up ‘cuz you just won’t sign my dick. Or put it in your mouth. Or do anything with it, really.”
The hooded man started walking to Maxie. “SHOE-RYUKEN!” he shouted, as he pulled one foot behind to slash Max, in an uppercut manner. However, the fates decided otherwise, as the hooded psycho tripped on the half-bitten slice of pizza. Grabbing the opportunity, Maximilliano shoved the hooded man’s shoe in his face, killing him instantly. “I’m still hungry… I guess I will have to eat some pussy.” He said as he walked calmly to the porno studio.
Winner: Big Sausage Pizza

--

“Listen well my friends!” The most well dressed scarecrow ever, Straw Hat, was giving a speech directed at all scarecrows. He was wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades. “For too long we have been discriminated against! For too long we have been smashed by the iron hand of injustice! I say we rebel against the Robot Mafia, and dethrone them!”
Various cheers of approval came from the crowd. “For too long we have been called (BAN ME PLEASE)s! For too long they have stolen our jobs, and burned our thin straws! This war has to end!”
“And it ends… today.” Straw-Hat took off his fur coat to reveal tin straws. He was actually an associate of the Robot Mafia! “Goodbye, suckers!” And he exploded, taking with him numerous scarecrows. The Crow population rejoiced, and payed the Robot Mafia it’s due.
Winner: Robot Mafia

 

[DM]

Wow, I got totally buttfucked. gg GTS.

Hey, I'm the only one who called our matchup winner correctly, so I still won something!

 

[Mekkah]

how does a pizza beat any kind of slicing device

this game is even less realistic than tetris

 

[GTS]

Wow, I got totally buttfucked. gg GTS.

Hey, I'm the only one who called our matchup winner correctly, so I still won something!

gg dm! :D

 

[aamto]

gogo isy, i'm going for the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

mine is the mightiest weapon.

 

[Annhialator Zero]

The button will 5-0 every match.

 

[Jackal]

its all up to you isy...

[ps mekkah a big sausage pizza got an ugly oaf a sexy porno star, so really, with a big sausage pizza, anything is possible]

 

[Isy]

A flask filled with potato vodka
versus...
A mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle


The battle was promising. A flask filled with potato vodka and a mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle. The potato vodka filled flask was worried. He was up against something that had the adjective 'mystical' modifiying it. That can't be good. Meanwhile the monocle was about to make an offense, his plan was to alter the potato vodka's molecules so that it would then be spelled "Potahto" and everyone then had to pronounce it the faggy way. In a panic, the potato vodka forced itself down pookar's throat. The monocle then, aiming for the vodka, altered pookar's molecules. Pookar became...pookahr. Pookahr was plagued with this new name for the rest of his life. Hours later, pookahr was arrested for underage drinking and paired with a gay black rapist named Giga-Punch. WINNER: Monocle

--
User StrangerDanger with a working chainsaw for his right hand
versus...
E. Honda carrying a ghettoblaster and weilding a whip made out of barbed wire

User StrangerDanger was a sucessful actor who was casted for the role of 'Luke' in the remake of the movie 'Star Wars'. The movie was going quite well..until the scene where Luke fought his own father, Dark Vader, in an epic battle. The problem arose when Luke's hand was to be sliced off. You see, the actor playing Darth Vader was so fucking stupid that he actually sliced StrangerDanger's right hand off. The actor's name was Edmond Honda. StrangerDanger's career was destroyed. He planned on playing the next 'Beast' in the next X Men movie, but this silly fool had crushed his dreams. StrangerDanger, seeking revenge, replaced his right hand with a chainsaw and hired a private investigator to track down Edmond Honda. Edmond Honda, who had gained weight from eating ice cream 24/7 out of guilt, was prepared. He had bought a boombox playing the song "Fuck Max" to pump himself up and a whip made out of barbed wire. It wasn't long before SD had tracked his ex-coworker down. He then used his chainsaw hand to cut his victim's door down and charged through. E. Honda gave a lash out with his whip, but SD's powerful beard protected him, deflecting his whip back towards him. E. Honda escaped using Chun Li as a distraction for SD(He couldn't help but bust a hulk in her cooter) and later becoming a firebot poster guised under the name of 'cookie.' Little did he know..SD was a firebot mod. WINNER: StrangerDanger

--

Blackheart's trenchantly lurid heart as it pumps calmly yet powerfully in the froth of battle with Dark Akuma to decide the fate of the world.
versus...
Gary Oak's girth

Blackheart was a young misunderstood emo kid planning to become the world's greatest trainer. He visited prof. Oak's lab and got himself a Ghastly. Blackheart was then challenged by Gary Oak routinely. Gary had no badges, yet he used a lv 30 pokemon that constantly ignored his orders. Blackheart had the advantage, even though his Ghastly was only lv 5. He ordered Ghastly to use Curse to wear Gary's stubborn pokemon down. Gary had a secret weapon though...he ripped off his pants and said "you cant ignore my girth". Instantly the pokemon obeyed and knocked Ghastly into oblivion, along with its trainer. WINNER: Gary Oak


--

Ballsack-Fu as featured in the film Pom Poko performed by the man (or beast??) with the largest ballsack in the world.
versus...
A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility. (The user responsible for this submittal wrote a pretty amusing/eloquent text introducing his weapon, so I'd advise you to check it out as well)

Ballsack-Fu was a man of adventure. He was known for having the largest ballsack in the world. He wandered to a desert seeking an opponent, an opponent in anything. He ventured into a desert with little water, searching and searching. He then saw a sign and a button. The sign said "Do not press under any circumstances ever". He said "I have the biggest ballsack in the world, clearly this instruction is for little sack carriers!" He, defying the sign, pressed the button. He then went into an underground top secret research facility. Taking forever to get through security, he finally got what he had searched for. He saw President Obama and other scientists doing random things. He bravely walked towards them and pulled his large ballsack out. He then said "shoot hoops any1??" and pulled a basketball out of his very large ballsack. Obama accepted his challenged and the two enjoyed a game of basketball. Naturally, Obama being black, won. Ballsack-Fu was then the laughing stock of large ballsack carriers. WINNER: A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility.

--

A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed
versus...
User Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.

After getting disappointed sales from his last movie, Kangaroo Jack had became a bum addicted to weed. Despite being a bum, he was married to a good female kangaroo girl named Dak. Kangaroo Jack went out clubbing and met a girl named Kristy Haruka. Well, one thing led to another and Kangaroo Jack ended up sleeping with her. I mean, before you say "EW WTF" you have to remember he was high as shit, don't judge the guy.

When he returned home that night, Dak then began singing this song to him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc

While dak didn't smell anything, he DID notice Kristy Haruka's minge, and proceeded to attack him with her Dick Poster (papercuts suck dude)

WINNER: User Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.

--

Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
versus...
User Junior, having just consumed a CK sized portion of sugar.

Junior was a struggling 30 year old 11th grader with little love for life. He saw how successful and manly CaptKirby was, so he studied his diet. Junior proceeded to eat an ENTIRE bowl of sugar, transforming him into a pretentious, cocky, douchebag that had found a new way to think of life.

Junior seeked becoming the first BITCHIN' GUITAR SOLOs singer on MTV. To get him more fans, an official paired him up with Snoop Doggy Dogg (who had I just recieved a Technicolor Dreamcoat) and they made the song Bitches Don't Know ft. Snoop Dogg. After the show, Snoop told Junior about his dream.

"My jizzle, I had a dream I was a MLK type of nigga, making blacks and whites get along, all that good shit homie. I also dreamed thunda became a successful young man, so take my dreams with a grain of salt"

Motivated by these words, Junior went to harlem and tried to befriend a nice gang of black people. Sadly, Snoop didn't know what the fuck he was talking about and the gang pulled out a bundle of AKs and shot Junior 9 times.
Winner: Snoop Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

--

SHOERIKEN. You know those ninja stars? This is the shoe version. First, you kick someone in the face, then a star flies out with blades on all sides, turning everyone into a dirty pile of blood. It can be programmed into three different modes: slices, pieces or invisible bits. After using it, please clean it before putting it back in your shoe. It has a rechargable battery that gets its energy out of walking with the shoe it's in.
versus...
Big Sausage Pizza.


Doomsday was doing what he usually does during his spare time, looking at porn. He saw a hot portugeese woman getting delivered her 'sausage'. Doomsday was excited, but to his surprise..the woman he saw was his own mother. Angered, he bought a 'Shoeriken' and decided to pay mr. Big Sausage Pizza a visit. Doomsday tracked him down (he was doing his latest episode at Kumar's house) and kicked him in the face, cutting the pizza and the large 'sausage' into bits. While Doomsday had got the revenge he wanted, that guy still had fucked his mom, lol

WINNER: Big Sausage Pizza


--

A scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades.
versus...
The Robot Mafia

There was a scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades. He had fused with the warriors of oz to be become such a powerful being. The Robot Mafia gave him this power, and he owed them. He was sent to find the hottest mecha-stripper, or he'd be sleeping with..the mecha-fishes.

He found a mecha-stripper named MEGATRON, aka gk, who he captured and brought as prisoner to the Robot Mafia. However, MEGATRON was so unattractive that their floppy disks fell off and exploded. Angered, the Robot Mafia had gk killed and sent the scarecrow to kansas, where a fierce tornado blew him away forever.

Winner: The Robot Mafia

 

[az]

Swept.

the Bitter tast of difeat........

 

[junior]

woah, woah, woah hold it there, Doomsday. I do not do that. How did I get defeated by Snoop Dog? I'm sorry to have let you down gorms.

 

[gorm]

ugh its ok june i should have pulled a barack and courted the black vote

 

[Stallion]

Doomsday was doing what he usually does during his spare time, looking at porn. He saw a hot portugeese woman getting delivered her 'sausage'. Doomsday was excited, but to his surprise..the woman he saw was his own mother. Angered, he bought a 'Shoeriken' and decided to pay mr. Big Sausage Pizza a visit. Doomsday tracked him down (he was doing his latest episode at Kumar's house) and kicked him in the face, cutting the pizza and the large 'sausage' into bits. While Doomsday had got the revenge he wanted, that guy still had fucked his mom, lol

WINNER: Big Sausage Pizza

This quote is gold!