Serious Falling In Love

DestinyUnknown said:
Very late response, but from past personal / friend similar experiences, I think you should distance yourself a bit from her, until your feelings for her 'go away'. Most people have a hard time handling unrequited love (on both sides of it), so staying close to the other person is not going to help, as the feelings might only get stronger.

If you're worried because you want to keep your friendship with her, I think that distancing yourself at least for a couple of months is still the best option. If your friendship with her was solid, there shouldnt be any issues continuing it in the future, and it will be much healthier than if you have conflicting thoughts about her.
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Very late response as well, but it is kinda late for me to follow your advice. Since I first posted I've been spending even more time with her, and as you said, my feelings for her only got stronger. It wasn't too long after my initial post that this happened, actually. I've talked to a few of my friends about it, and the gist of what they've said is that it would be wise to be honest and tell her I still have feelings for her. My problem is that last semester, when I got dumped, my emotions took control of me, and my grades really suffered for it. I need to make sure my cumulative GPA gets above a 2.5 this semester, lest I lose my scholarships, so making sure I'm happy is very important for doing that. If there's a chance that the relationship would go down in flames before then, then when I tell her how I feel I should also make that clear.

Sorry if that's kinda confusing, its early in the morning and I'm typing this my phone.
 
Kris said:
I didn't really feel the need to post in here because I generally don't believe in falling in love
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This is a bad attitude and you are in the way of your own happiness with this outlook. For someone that claims disbelief, the rest of your post says otherwise. With that out of the way lets try to tackle your issue.

Keeping your feelings private here might be the best option until summer vacation, assuming catholic schools get those. That is a sensitive environment and the last thing you want is to draw negative attention. On the other hand keeping your feelings bottled up will never result to much more than discontent, a bunch of what could have been. I think your best option would be just to work on the friendship while trying to reel your feelings in. The more true a friend you are, the more responsibility he should feel towards the loyalty of the friendship. When you have achieved a comfortable amount of trust, which clearly isn't there right now or you wouldn't be with such doubts; then that will be the best time to say what you feel. I'd like to stress that you should always pursue friendship in advance of any potential relationships. Think of it as using a moveset with protect, you want to scout your potential mate's tendencies and go from there. If you really want a relationship to work you must understand that it takes much time and effort. Be patient, be sincere, and don't forget it is okay to take risks. Just don't put yourself in a terrible situation and play your cards to your advantage. Best of luck to you.
 
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I've recently found that I've kind of stagnated and I'm not really sure what I can do about it. I've always found that I do better when my relationship with a girl has time to mature from a friendship and in a few cases it may have gotten as far as love. However now I find that the only way I can meet new people is by pulling teeth and going out to bars or other one off things where I can't possibly get to know someone well enough to develop a real attraction.

I don't feel comfortable in these kind of mingle heavy settings, I have no idea how to steer the conversation out of small talk and somehow in spite of that I'm often told I get too deep into conversation. Even if I have what I consider to be good small talk I have no idea what they got out of it. Anyone that's ever been attracted to me has with very few exceptions had to get to know me well first where they'd find I have a lot to offer personality wise.

Like I know I'm bad at selling myself especially because my interests are also pretty niche and that doesn't fucking help any. I'm always interested to talk about something the other person is passionate about and learn more but I can never seem to coax that kind of thing out of them early for whatever reason. It's really frustrating like maybe all some people do is think about their day to day lives and social circle but it can't be as bad as I'm seeing. And first dates that I get off of Tinder and shit aren't any better most of the time.

Am I missing something out here in the adult world, some situations that will funnel me some regular contact with interesting people? Should I actively try to take up more normal interests to help me in conversations even if my personality won't change or my Power Level's gonna do me in later anyway? Is there any kind of spin or approach that might make me seem more approachable or easy to talk to so they might be able to take some kind of initiative? I fear that if I keep going like this I'm not going to have a chance later on.
 
Blazade said:
I've recently found that I've kind of stagnated and I'm not really sure what I can do about it. I've always found that I do better when my relationship with a girl has time to mature from a friendship and in a few cases it may have gotten as far as love. However now I find that the only way I can meet new people is by pulling teeth and going out to bars or other one off things where I can't possibly get to know someone well enough to develop a real attraction.

I don't feel comfortable in these kind of mingle heavy settings, I have no idea how to steer the conversation out of small talk and somehow in spite of that I'm often told I get too deep into conversation. Even if I have what I consider to be good small talk I have no idea what they got out of it. Anyone that's ever been attracted to me has with very few exceptions had to get to know me well first where they'd find I have a lot to offer personality wise.

Like I know I'm bad at selling myself especially because my interests are also pretty niche and that doesn't fucking help any. I'm always interested to talk about something the other person is passionate about and learn more but I can never seem to coax that kind of thing out of them early for whatever reason. It's really frustrating like maybe all some people do is think about their day to day lives and social circle but it can't be as bad as I'm seeing. And first dates that I get off of Tinder and shit aren't any better most of the time.

Am I missing something out here in the adult world, some situations that will funnel me some regular contact with interesting people? Should I actively try to take up more normal interests to help me in conversations even if my personality won't change or my Power Level's gonna do me in later anyway? Is there any kind of spin or approach that might make me seem more approachable or easy to talk to so they might be able to take some kind of initiative? I fear that if I keep going like this I'm not going to have a chance later on.
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Personally I agree with wanting to be friends with someone before going out with them; I'd prefer to get to know them and find out if I'm interested rather than start with the assumption that I'm interested and find out if I actually like them while dating. So let's start by saying that what you're really looking for ways to make new friends, rather than ways to find that special someone. With that in mind, it sounds to me like you're looking in completely the wrong places. People at bars are generally looking to have a good night out, and if you approach them, they're probably going to assume you're interested in sex rather than getting to know them. At least with Tinder you can find out if they're looking for sex or a relationship first, but then you're jumping straight to dating which comes with the complication of saying your romantically interested before you actually know them.

Just based on "Am I missing something out here in the adult world, some situations that will funnel me some regular contact with interesting people?" I think you know what you should be looking for, you just need examples. I'm going to start by recommending group activities, preferably with people you share an interest with. Groups tend to mean a pre-existing dynamic, rather than you and someone else figuring out how things work as you go; they increase your the number of people you meet compared to one on ones (because no shit); and they mean you don't have to be interesting and engaging the whole time, there's a group to carry a conversation with and bounce off of. I know you say your interests are niche, but if you're in a city, I guarantee that other people will share those interests. I'm a uni student so I have it easy - between tute groups, clubs and societies, occasional camps, and residential colleges, I have a shit load of options for groups that meet up regularly. We just need to find these kinds of groups that you can join.

iirc from the "writers on smogon" thread, you're considering jumping into sci-fi writing of some sort. Have you considered joining a writer's group? I also know you're a mathematician, do you know of any math clubs or competitions in your area? Maybe you're interested in some form of sportsball; joining a club and/or playing is a great way of meeting new people. Run through that list of interests and see if any of them - any! - have groups of people that meet up regularly for them.

I also think it's worth considering interested you might not have realised you have. That's worded funnily for a reason, bear with me for a second. The obvious thing that fits into that group is trying new things - even if you end up not liking them and stopping, you'll still have met people while you were there (I believe the cliche is dance classes, but honestly, just try out anything with groups that meet up regularly), and this gives you the double bonus of being awesome if you actually do end up enjoying it. But this category also includes an interest I know you have, but might not have considered useful: the interest in going out and meeting new people. I met my girlfriend on a university camp before semester started that was designed to help first years meet and have a friend to talk to when they started uni. The reason this worked so well was because everyone there was friendly and approachable - and of course they were, they were on that camp for the same reason I was. So take that list of interests you already have, and then add to it - if you can think of them - the things you take for granted, and see if that helps.

tl;dr - groups for whatever interests you have are out there, you just need to go out looking and not wait for them to show up for you. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and try new stuff.
 
GotR said:
Personally I agree with wanting to be friends with someone before going out with them; I'd prefer to get to know them and find out if I'm interested rather than start with the assumption that I'm interested and find out if I actually like them while dating. So let's start by saying that what you're really looking for ways to make new friends, rather than ways to find that special someone. With that in mind, it sounds to me like you're looking in completely the wrong places. People at bars are generally looking to have a good night out, and if you approach them, they're probably going to assume you're interested in sex rather than getting to know them. At least with Tinder you can find out if they're looking for sex or a relationship first, but then you're jumping straight to dating which comes with the complication of saying your romantically interested before you actually know them.

Just based on "Am I missing something out here in the adult world, some situations that will funnel me some regular contact with interesting people?" I think you know what you should be looking for, you just need examples. I'm going to start by recommending group activities, preferably with people you share an interest with. Groups tend to mean a pre-existing dynamic, rather than you and someone else figuring out how things work as you go; they increase your the number of people you meet compared to one on ones (because no shit); and they mean you don't have to be interesting and engaging the whole time, there's a group to carry a conversation with and bounce off of. I know you say your interests are niche, but if you're in a city, I guarantee that other people will share those interests. I'm a uni student so I have it easy - between tute groups, clubs and societies, occasional camps, and residential colleges, I have a shit load of options for groups that meet up regularly. We just need to find these kinds of groups that you can join.

iirc from the "writers on smogon" thread, you're considering jumping into sci-fi writing of some sort. Have you considered joining a writer's group? I also know you're a mathematician, do you know of any math clubs or competitions in your area? Maybe you're interested in some form of sportsball; joining a club and/or playing is a great way of meeting new people. Run through that list of interests and see if any of them - any! - have groups of people that meet up regularly for them.

I also think it's worth considering interested you might not have realised you have. That's worded funnily for a reason, bear with me for a second. The obvious thing that fits into that group is trying new things - even if you end up not liking them and stopping, you'll still have met people while you were there (I believe the cliche is dance classes, but honestly, just try out anything with groups that meet up regularly), and this gives you the double bonus of being awesome if you actually do end up enjoying it. But this category also includes an interest I know you have, but might not have considered useful: the interest in going out and meeting new people. I met my girlfriend on a university camp before semester started that was designed to help first years meet and have a friend to talk to when they started uni. The reason this worked so well was because everyone there was friendly and approachable - and of course they were, they were on that camp for the same reason I was. So take that list of interests you already have, and then add to it - if you can think of them - the things you take for granted, and see if that helps.

tl;dr - groups for whatever interests you have are out there, you just need to go out looking and not wait for them to show up for you. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and try new stuff.
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Groups like that carried me through university but they're pretty hard to find for my interests where I currently am so it feels really forced. Like it doesn't read as something I would normally do so it's like I'm just trying to go out and meet people and that's the vibe I get with the other people there too so it's awkward. Maybe the groups I've found just suck so I'll keep looking and putting myself out there.
 
Not quite falling in love, but i don't feel like creating another thread to post this, but I am still in love with my ex.

We just broke up, so it is normal to an extent, I guess. Our relationship was not going well because we both (especially me) have problems with depression and anxiety. It was becoming toxic, so she decided to end it. I was cool, because as I said, the whole thing was becoming toxic. We gave ourselves some time to rethink stuff, I started therapy and I am feeling way better. So, three weeks after the breakup, I spoke to her. Because after all, I still loved her and I was really confident about starting dating her again to fix things that went wrong last time.

Happens that she does not love me anymore and don't want nothing of this.

I hope I can still be her friend, at least, but I don't know how. She was my first girlfriend and I was in that phase where I think she is the only one ever.

How to cope with this shitty feelings and how to regain her trust to be at least a friend? Is that anything I can do so she can love me back? ]:
 
Hey man,

I think you need to take some time for yourself at the moment. The breakup is too recent for you to be able to be friends with her, and the friendship you could get right now would only be a "runner up prize", a way of staying with her in your mind while not being her actual boyfriend. What I learnt from my own experience is that no one should be more important for you than your own self, because in the end you're the one dealing with those shitty feelings, your ex isn't.

Unfortunately, one's mindset post-break up is never great, lots of feelings of nostalgia, loneliness and despair come into place, and I guess you felt that. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to focus on yourself by doing thing you're comfortable with, whatever it is (eating food you like, watching the entirety of your favorite anime/tv show...). You'll probably be sad for a long while, especially if you were really in love with her (and given what you wrote, it seems so) but you'll eventually learn that your previous girlfriend isn't the reason why you live.

You'll even probably love her for the rest of your life, because a part of her is in you now (that sounds cliché af but it really is the truth, correct me if you disagree). The intense feelings that you're going through now will simply decrease with time in appearance although they'll stay here forever : that's how deep and powerful relationships that have to end work in my opinion. Moving on is extremely difficult but give yourself some time, I promise you that you'll learn how to live again.

Keep your head up, and remind yourself that you're a great person with several awesome assets : depression should not make you seem less valuable or loveable.
 
Mounts

What you said is really helpful. Thank you a lot for this response and for being suportive.

You actually described precisely how I am feeling about the whole situation. I feel like humiliating myself for a bit of her attention, due to the sadness and loneliness. Most of my great memories from the past four years are related to her. And even about the time to myself... I used to do those kind of things with her. Poor mental state made me uncomfortable af when I have to interact with people, she was the main exception. So I used to do those things that made me happy along her. I find extremely hard to dissociate watching said animes, tv shows, going out for a walk etc from her persona. I will probably be getting better as time passes by, but still makes me wanna cry rn and thus I don't know how to find joy in these things, you know? Because the memories of doing stuff with her and blah.

The good thing of this crap is that I started doing therapy and in general I am having a more positive perception about things in life. I believe because of that (and the fact I want her to love me back lol), deep inside I believe she still feels something for me and after some time we can get back togheter. Like, we broke up because things that were not totally under our control. I feel like this relationship can work out again if we met when both are mentally healthy - we are both working on this.

Another thing that makes me think stuff that way is: when we started dating, I didn't want it. I said I was not ready for a relationship, do not had feeling for her the same way and shit. It took some time until we finally made out togheter. Even during that time she was always a nice person to me and tried really hard to make this sentiment to grow. So, I believe that can be done after this break up as well. We do not have racour for each other and nothing like that, so I have this gut I should fight for her (without being invasive and a creepy ex, of course. Just showing I genuinely want her to be happy). At the same time, I have this feeling of "rnuner up prize", which fucks up my pride.

Idk, I know that is unhealthy to keep this expectations that the won't reject me anymore, but I can't help myself. ):

Again, thanks a lot for what you said. It may look like I didn't understand properly, considering the difficulties of focusing in myself I just described, but still. You made my day better.
 
I definitely feel you about your best memories being with her, it's part of the reason why breakups are so hard in my opinion : you forgot that you could be happy without your significant other. I'm pretty sure it is why staying alone for a while to reflect on your situation, your emotions will help you greatly in the future. "Thanks" to that breakup, I'm sure that you'll learn you don't need to make your happiness rely on one person only - because this is extremely dangerous if the person leaves at some point.

What I did when I was in your situation was to read as much stuff as possible on breakups/relationships, spend time on tumblr (official website for sad feelings) and even buy books about it. It is going to make you focus on what YOU feel rather than on what you think your ex thinks about you. You know, I'm still young but I learnt during my few years on this planet that life is completely unpredictable, maybe she'll come back crawling at your feet one day, maybe not, anything is actually possible. However, what is predictable is the way you learn how to handle those painful feelings, and by knowing yourself better you'll understand that whatever happens with her in the future, you'll be a more aware and confident person.

It's why I can understand what you say about the relationship possibly starting over. I think you should go on with your life without the aim of getting back with her in your mind. If at some point, you feel like your mental state improved and that you're still in love with her, and that you cross her path, then you will have the choice to get back with her. But keeping her as your only horizon, as the only person or thing making you happy is in fact going to fuck up your life even more as you will live in the past and won't be able to see the potential life has to offer.

Take your time man, stuff like that is incredibly hard to handle but in the end you'll be happy to feel free to do stuff for yourself and not for her. I guess that's a problem a lot of "overly kind" people have : willing to give up anything for the loved one, even when it's going to hurt themselves in the end. You can share your feelings and your pain with a professional (it's great that you're currently doing therapy) but he can't do the job for you, he's only there to show you the right path. I'm glad if those words help you anyway, I went through a very similar experience and that is why I felt I had to answer to your post :)
 
DarkMilotic said:
1. Be yourself! A faker can be spotted from a mile away.
2. If you start to lose interest, be honest about it! We aren't there to waste our time either.
3. The deeper you fall, the less rational you become. Do not let this cloud your judgement! Drinks at 5AM during finals week are never a good idea. (Take it from me.)
4. Don't be afraid. The worst thing you could do would be to not say anything at all. Don't stare from afar the entire time :)
5. Don't get cocky. This is pretty much a given.
6. A little goes a long way. Smile at them. Appreciate the small things they do. Take them to places that you would normally overlook. So what if that food truck is a little odd looking? Maybe it'll be a hilarious story to tell your family.
7. Go slow. Don't rush into something that neither of you are prepared for. Give yourselves space to breathe, think, and more importantly; feel.
8. Know when to take a break. If things seem tense or awkward, try getting up for a quick breather. Come back with a new, happier attitude. It's always something I love to see in a guy. The less you dwell on something, the easier it gets!
9. Why are you nervous? Ask yourself this. Is it because they're the only person you want to have beside you? Is it because you find them to be the most radiant person in the room? Write it down and give it to them later. They'll love it. (I did this to my boyfriend of 5 years on our anniversary)
10. Finally, know that it's okay to be rejected. While it may hurt at the moment, all wounds heal with time.

Best of luck to you,
Jaden :heart:
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Beautiful comment, I recommend this too !
 
ok lgi

so for the most part my social interactions irl have been limited to other boys. however a couple of years ago i sat next to this girl in a class. she was really nice and pretty smart too, and we talked a lot over the course of the year. nothing really came out of it but she still smiles and waves at me when we see each other in the halls.

so i've started to like her more, and besides that she really feels like the only girl i have the courage to talk to (as you might have guessed i'm not very good at this stuff). i have considered telling her about my feelings for her but i haven't really thought of the best way to do that yet.

see, the thing is that i haven't had much of an opportunity to talk to her. i usually only see her in the short time between classes and when she's with her friends. additionally, i don't really know the best way to say what i'm trying to say. should i just say it directly or what? that's why i want to know the best course of action for this situation. thanks.
 
Silver_Lucario42 said:
ok lgi

so for the most part my social interactions irl have been limited to other boys. however a couple of years ago i sat next to this girl in a class. she was really nice and pretty smart too, and we talked a lot over the course of the year. nothing really came out of it but she still smiles and waves at me when we see each other in the halls.

so i've started to like her more, and besides that she really feels like the only girl i have the courage to talk to (as you might have guessed i'm not very good at this stuff). i have considered telling her about my feelings for her but i haven't really thought of the best way to do that yet.

see, the thing is that i haven't had much of an opportunity to talk to her. i usually only see her in the short time between classes and when she's with her friends. additionally, i don't really know the best way to say what i'm trying to say. should i just say it directly or what? that's why i want to know the best course of action for this situation. thanks.
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Well you can try to invite her somewhere to share more time with her, basicly I meant a date with her. I know that easier to write but if you have feeling for take your courage and ask her!

P.S: try to give me some updates about that if you want of course!
 
Silver_Lucario42 said:
ok lgi

so for the most part my social interactions irl have been limited to other boys. however a couple of years ago i sat next to this girl in a class. she was really nice and pretty smart too, and we talked a lot over the course of the year. nothing really came out of it but she still smiles and waves at me when we see each other in the halls.

so i've started to like her more, and besides that she really feels like the only girl i have the courage to talk to (as you might have guessed i'm not very good at this stuff). i have considered telling her about my feelings for her but i haven't really thought of the best way to do that yet.

see, the thing is that i haven't had much of an opportunity to talk to her. i usually only see her in the short time between classes and when she's with her friends. additionally, i don't really know the best way to say what i'm trying to say. should i just say it directly or what? that's why i want to know the best course of action for this situation. thanks.
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First of all, DONT tell her you're in love out of the blue, its weird and it usually doesnt work, especially if you two aren't that close.

That being said, you definitely should try to arrange a date like AkaiTenshi said. You've said you can see her in the time between classes, that should be more than enough time to talk to her at least once a week. Just try to talk about whatever (for example: how did your holidays go?), and try to figure out what stuff she is interested in so you can arrange a date to do something together. Also remember to do it naturally, if you approach her and try to separate her from her friends by saying ''hey can we talk for a minute'' they'll probably react negatively, but if you just talk to her directly (like you would do with any other person) then her friends won't mind at all.

Also I dont know how old you are or what people in your school use to communicate (instagram? snapchat?) but having another way to talk to her could be positive as well. But remember than talking to her in person is better (and you shouldnt stop doing it even if you start talking to her on snapchat), though used correctly message apps can also help.
 
Pleeeeeease for the love of god just be natural. People seem to have this notion that you need to approach these situations with some sort of gameplan and thats definitely untrue. Im not saying you should sit on your ass and expect something to happen but that you should take it easy and be yourself.I know that what im saying sounds cliche but if you want something legitimate out of this you shouldnt over complicate things, ask her out if you want to go out with her and try to have fun, make it simple.
 
I recently was hanging out with my lifelong friend and decided to fess up about my feelings for her. I have to give her all the props I can for being real mature about it. Turns out I'm just viewed as a brother figure. Not exactly the ideal result but it feels good to have an answer. Plus being told that just makes me feel like a closer friend, so honestly, anything she could've said would've been fine by me as long as we were still cool. Which we are.

Of course, that just means my hopes of finding somebody soon are flushed away.
 
Tazonite said:
I recently was hanging out with my lifelong friend and decided to fess up about my feelings for her. I have to give her all the props I can for being real mature about it. Turns out I'm just viewed as a brother figure. Not exactly the ideal result but it feels good to have an answer. Plus being told that just makes me feel like a closer friend, so honestly, anything she could've said would've been fine by me as long as we were still cool. Which we are.

Of course, that just means my hopes of finding somebody soon are flushed away.
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Nah now you can get her help setting you up, without fear of messing up something between you.
 
Who confesses feelings for a "lifelong friend" and expects something out of it...............................................................................

tenor.gif
 
Escoffier said:
I mean, that is a thing though....
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I absolutely disagree. I feel like the "friendzone" exist purely for men to place THEMSELVES in when women whom they're close too deny any romantic advances. There's nothing wrong with that. It could exist, and if it doesn't I wouldn't call it the 'friend zone' as much as the "she has a right to not date you just because you treat her nice" zone
 
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