Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[bdt2002]

Today is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to wanting to throw in the towel and leave this community for good. I’m done always feeling like I’m wrong about everything and letting my autistic ADHD OCD brain be manipulated so easily regardless of if people are aware of what they’re doing. I’ve spoken about my mental wellness issues and my ongoing fight with my Pokémon addiction (and also my phone addiction) I’m willing to admit I have, and I really do think the sooner I get out of here and never look back, the higher chance there is I can maybe salvage some of my old self.

Trying to be better passionate about my long list of unpopular opinions was my first mistake. Trying to act like I ever belonged in this community was my second mistake. And we all know what happens at Strike Three. Today’s Pokémon Presents proved something to me. Not only will I feel like I’m being ridiculed or sometimes even mocked for bringing up what I felt in my heart are good, healthy points to mention, but even in the rare chance where I do know what the heck I’m talking about, it doesn’t amount to anything because I’m still miserable behind the scenes and get unusually upset with basically everything these days that I don’t agree with.

What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t trust myself, and I don’t think I can be trusted either. I’ve managed to convince myself and subsequently prove I’ll never be as mature or independent as other people want me to be. I don’t even know what I want out of my own life anymore. One thing’s for sure, continuing to waste my time and energy with this site will only stress me out more and more when that’s the last thing my depression needs. Because that’s all I am. An addicted, depressed mess of a human being whose quality of life is honestly really good but I struggle to appreciate any of it because I can’t help but keep complaining over and over and over again. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence anymore. I want to blame myself for letting myself get to this point. All of that because I wanted to feel like I belonged in a community. A real community.

I did this to myself, yes, but I also blame the Pokémon franchise and the Internet for allowing that to happen. I should have quit the franchise when I had the chance, but I felt peer pressured into getting the past two or three new games and did it all so other people would have someone to play and talk with. Think of it this way. What am I realistically gaining from posting anything anymore? Let alone posting this? I don’t want appreciated. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it. I’m not doing this for clicks or follows or anything. In fact, attention would only make me feel worse. The only purpose I serve in this community is trying to make people happy when I know deep down I’m just trying to be who I’ve always been. Someone who only cares about himself. Someone who has always caused more problems than I’ve helped to fix. Who told me I’m such a horrible person, you might ask? I did. This was all me. None of you ever told me any such lies. And I know my brain well enough to know that if or when someone tries to tell me what a good person I am, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. I’ve been told too many times I’m a bad listener, after all. And that’s true, too.

 

[adjectivenoun]

Today is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to wanting to throw in the towel and leave this community for good. I’m done always feeling like I’m wrong about everything and letting my autistic ADHD OCD brain be manipulated so easily regardless of if people are aware of what they’re doing. I’ve spoken about my mental wellness issues and my ongoing fight with my Pokémon addiction (and also my phone addiction) I’m willing to admit I have, and I really do think the sooner I get out of here and never look back, the higher chance there is I can maybe salvage some of my old self.

Trying to be better passionate about my long list of unpopular opinions was my first mistake. Trying to act like I ever belonged in this community was my second mistake. And we all know what happens at Strike Three. Today’s Pokémon Presents proved something to me. Not only will I feel like I’m being ridiculed or sometimes even mocked for bringing up what I felt in my heart are good, healthy points to mention, but even in the rare chance where I do know what the heck I’m talking about, it doesn’t amount to anything because I’m still miserable behind the scenes and get unusually upset with basically everything these days that I don’t agree with.

What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t trust myself, and I don’t think I can be trusted either. I’ve managed to convince myself and subsequently prove I’ll never be as mature or independent as other people want me to be. I don’t even know what I want out of my own life anymore. One thing’s for sure, continuing to waste my time and energy with this site will only stress me out more and more when that’s the last thing my depression needs. Because that’s all I am. An addicted, depressed mess of a human being whose quality of life is honestly really good but I struggle to appreciate any of it because I can’t help but keep complaining over and over and over again. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence anymore. I want to blame myself for letting myself get to this point. All of that because I wanted to feel like I belonged in a community. A real community.

I did this to myself, yes, but I also blame the Pokémon franchise and the Internet for allowing that to happen. I should have quit the franchise when I had the chance, but I felt peer pressured into getting the past two or three new games and did it all so other people would have someone to play and talk with. Think of it this way. What am I realistically gaining from posting anything anymore? Let alone posting this? I don’t want appreciated. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it. I’m not doing this for clicks or follows or anything. In fact, attention would only make me feel worse. The only purpose I serve in this community is trying to make people happy when I know deep down I’m just trying to be who I’ve always been. Someone who only cares about himself. Someone who has always caused more problems than I’ve helped to fix. Who told me I’m such a horrible person, you might ask? I did. This was all me. None of you ever told me any such lies. And I know my brain well enough to know that if or when someone tries to tell me what a good person I am, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. I’ve been told too many times I’m a bad listener, after all. And that’s true, too.

For whatever it's worth, though I'm not really in OI at all, I always thought you were a pretty good poster. You have a commitment to self-reflection and self-knowledge that I think has the potential to take you pretty far. Your biggest obstacle, as far as I can tell (and I hope you will forgive me if this is an overstep), is your misplaced priorities when it comes to being a part of this kind of community. The point of forming a community for people with a shared interest isn't to win arguments, accrue social status among people you've never met in real life, or prove that you're the biggest superfan of some piece of intellectual property; the point is to find people whose company you enjoy, people who enrich and brighten your life. If Smogon has ceased to provide that for you, then stepping away may be the right thing to do, but if you look at wherever you end up next as a place outside of yourself for you to draw an identity from, then you're gonna end up grappling with the same sorts of crises. Corporations and advertisers would have us believe that our identities are comprised of the things we buy and the brands we support because that's profitable for them, but the hard truth is that the most solid sense of self you'll ever have is gonna come from within, not the video games you play, the websites you post on, or the inane arguments that you take part in.

 

[bdt2002]

For whatever it's worth, though I'm not really in OI at all, I always thought you were a pretty good poster. You have a commitment to self-reflection and self-knowledge that I think has the potential to take you pretty far. Your biggest obstacle, as far as I can tell (and I hope you will forgive me if this is an overstep), is your misplaced priorities when it comes to being a part of this kind of community. The point of forming a community for people with a shared interest isn't to win arguments, accrue social status among people you've never met in real life, or prove that you're the biggest superfan of some piece of intellectual property; the point is to find people whose company you enjoy, people who enrich and brighten your life. If Smogon has ceased to provide that for you, then stepping away may be the right thing to do, but if you look at wherever you end up next as a place outside of yourself for you to draw an identity from, then you're gonna end up grappling with the same sorts of crises. Corporations and advertisers would have us believe that our identities are comprised of the things we buy and the brands we support because that's profitable for them, but the hard truth is that the most solid sense of self you'll ever have is gonna come from within, not the video games you play, the websites you post on, or the inane arguments that you take part in.

Lol, I was trying to fix some things on my new phone and now it's not letting me log back in without doing that authenticator thing. It's not an overstep at all- one of the questions I've had as a Pokémon "fan" since, say, 2015-16, has been what exactly it means to be a fan of something in the first place. I'll touch more on that in a bit, but speaking as a person diagnosed with and has a career interest with developmental disabilities, I've secretly struggled to call video games a "hobby" as much as the phrase "special interest(s)" has started feeling more accurate by comparison.

This recent stretch of mental... unwellness? started about a week ago now when I posted something suggesting that I felt bad for less fortunate families that couldn't fully enjoy stuff like Pokémon as much as others could. In my head and in my heart it didn't feel like I was saying anything inherently bad, but I could tell based off the reactions to that post that something wasn't right. When someone tells me to "get a grip" for having what I thought was me being a good person, that kind of messed with my head a little bit. For a few days after that, things cooled back down, but they heated right back up after the Pokémon Presents the other day. With the benefit of hindsight I realize I'm probably dwelling on things too much like I always do, but long story short, my opinions on a specific new addition that was revealed for the new Legends ZA game... upset me to say the least. I tried to throw in positive notes where I could, but this specific something feeling as fake as it did for me just rubbed me the wrong way to the point where I had decided to make a thread in Smogoff about this. Come to find out, apparently people like this thing more than I thought they would and I almost felt like I was being shamed for having an unpopular opinion again.

Now we come back to my work with developmental disabilities. Not only did I want to find some way I could feel like I belonged to a community of people that liked the same or similar things as me, but I also wanted to share my enthusiasm for certain things- specifically my "special interests" with the world. The problem with doing this was that it tended to conflict with what I call a "personal quest" of sorts to find something I can call my own. I was always the person that needed extra help, and while I have been successful in life, I'd like to think, it's impossible for me to give myself the credit for any of that. I'm only where I'm at now because of other people, and putting it simply, I don't see a future where I ever truly feel like I could do the same for anyone else and have it amount to anything. It's bad enough that things like relationships and phone culture stress me out on a fundamental level. Somehow I have to figure out how to balance my work life, my social life that's fallen off a cliff ever since I graduated college, my free time I would like to spend enjoying the things I love, and I need to focus on becoming a mature, independent young adult. All at the same time.

I don't want to say Smogon has failed me to provide me with anything I want or need, because that would just be a complete lie. There's a lot of really good hearted people that use this site, and I mean it when I say a lot of you guys, yourself included, genuinely sound like you'd be a lot of fun to hang out with. Trying to purposely brand myself as "bdt2002, that guy who loves DS and Wii games and especially extremely specific Pokémon games", originally helped me grow as a person... when I was a teenager. Now, though? I'll say it- I need to grow up, possibly leave behind the old profile name and identity, if it comes to that, and really try and make an effort to be who I want to be, whatever that will end up looking like. That's why almost all of my posts these days look like essays, because I unironically really enjoy writing and getting my thoughts out there. I just want to know who I really am, what I really believe in, and if my desires to be seen and heard have been misguided for the better part of the last decade.

 

[I'm Tapu Bulu]

hI just feeling the need to post an update

I decided to get myself an e-ink tablet, and got Plato's complete works. A few others will be coming on the way. Understanding people better is going very well, but it's hard to disconnect from the virtual world tbh. So I started reading Plato to get to the nitty gritty first of all, and now whenever I fall into self doubt I hopefully will have a much better understanding on why this is happening and how to manage and process thoughts.

Smogon will most likely be the final online community i plan to take part in. Because I'm addicted to social media and the internet, and having bad environments growing up i never got to connect with my real self until this spring.

Oh yeah, and got reqs again

 

[dice]

For any mentally ill person reading this thread, here's how I've stayed alive for 25 years: you have to change to feel better. The onus is on you to be happy.

There are days where you can't, where brushing your teeth and eating applesauce is an achievement to be lauded. But on other days, where you have an iota of energy to muster, you have to do something.

Start small. Micro-movements can cause huge shifts over time. Stretch, do yoga, go on a walk, or work out a couple times a week and slowly incorporate it into your routine. Begin a journal, invest in that hobby you have had a cursory interest in but never delved into, or perhaps work on a meditative practice. Depression often stems from not having an avenue to expel your woes. If you're devastatingly ill, consider therapy, medication, and a doctor's visit and work with a professional to feel better.

Mental illness, in mine and others' experiences, is cyclical. At times, the lethargy feels unreal, the intrusive thoughts are inescapable, and it's a total fucking load of shit being in my body. And that feeling always passes. And then I feel like a capable human being able to conquer every task doled out to me. And that feeling always passes. It's a ceaseless ebb and flow that, after years of practice, I haven't mastered, but I've been able to raft the mazy waters with greater ease.

Spoiler

View attachment 428498

The thing I have learned about this website is that it is a hub of depressed people. People who often put down others just to get an emotional spike to escape their own person. People who are often rejected from their own communities and social circles in real life that desperately cling onto internet clout as an escapism. If you want to feel better—and my own experiences agree with this—and you are incredibly depressed: I implore you to get far, far away from the vestibule of public Smogon communities. Find your group of people, forge that community, and accept that this is not a space for proper human engagement. You can still derive joy from it while accepting that sad reality.

Finally, I have realized throughout the years that there is no perfect identifier for mental illness. I experienced, and witness often, the need for depressive materialism: a holistic diagnosis of why you are the way you are. More and more micro-identities have formed surrounding mental illness (and really, everything), and I believe that accepting there is no real answer is the path forward. We are all fucked up in a bunch of ways. Childhood trauma is part and parcel to living in this world, and you experienced it. Tapping into your body and soul, more and more, will parse out why you are the way you are. Depression is real, but mental illnesses at large are manufactured taxonomies which lack so much nuance. They don't explain your person, they just recognize a pattern of symptoms, many of which don't fit together nicely in a bundle. And often, my own symptoms shift from day to day, mood to mood, hour to hour.

Yes, people will get tired of your shit if you're depressed and don't make an effort to better yourself. It's boring. You lose people. That's part of life. And that should be a motivation to get better. Depressed people are unintentionally selfish so often.

Yes, systemic barriers are real. I am a disabled person and have been privy to loads of ableism. You can't magically think away racism, homo/transphobia, etc. that you experience.

But if you dive into despair, you're missing so much beauty bound within the world. The potential for creation. The potential for community and making the world a better place for yourself and others. And, of course, the potential to be happy. If you don't make small steps, you won't get anywhere.

3 years later, this all still rings true.

I recommend reading, too. It is like a squeegee for your brain.

 

[Local Dog]

I had a really rough, no good 2025 so far and this year gave me perspective on one aspect of the human condition:

the chance and anarchy of life is really, really fucking scary

there's some logic behind it but for us with our limited human understanding, there may as well be none

I developed a lot of health anxiety and reading of certain conditions that just randomly pop up and kill people instantly without warning are absolutely terrifying to me. As rare as they may be, there's always a possibility of that shit occurring

I know get fully why religion is so calming for billions of people. the thought of a God or a system like karma giving some kind of sense to the chaos that we live in makes it so much more bearable, the idea of everything following some grand plan gives some kind of calmness in a world that gives us every reason to not be calm

seeing things cold and scientific, thinking that the chance and anarchy just kinda led to life itself and all that we feel and are is just some chemical bullshit is a lot scarier, the concept of "positive nihilism" does not work when you really try it because of it

idk man. maybe when I get older, I'll see some kind of logic to things

 

[testingnewstrat]

I’ve mostly been a lurker and due to that don’t consider myself a much of a member to the community, but I want to vent about how I’ve felt lately without it having any ties to my personal life.

I have started to feel a sense of losing feeling and general enjoyment in things I’ve used to do. Ever since a young age, I had clearly been very different from other kids around me. In preschool, I remember being all alone, and bullied by groups of kids without understanding why. I wasn’t capable of focusing in class. I wouldn’t disrupt. I would sit still, imagining scenarios in my head. My mom would take me to birthday parties, and I’d melt down and have to leave. I was diagnosed with autism and sensory processing disorder as a toddler, and was put into therapy for it. There, I learned coping mechanisms. For as long as I have remembered, I’ve loved Pokemon. I had every one of them memorized; I could tell you facts about all of them, I watched every episode of the anime, etc. I’ve always had similar obsessive interests, and I’ve never had an issue with it.

I didn’t have many friends for a while until being entered into the gifted and talented program. Those years in elementary school were the best of my life. I felt safe about expressing all my interests, and enjoyed the presence of other similar people. I struggled with insecurities about my appearance, but still enjoyed those years nonetheless. I started doing swimming, and while I didn’t excel at the sport, I enjoyed it.

Years later, I had vastly improved at cloaking my autism, to the point where I oftentimes only acted autistic (like myself) around close friends. I began to pour myself into all my interests, swimming especially. In one season, I went from a mediocre swimmer to a top ranked swimmer in the state. I changed my haircut, grew, and became much more attractive. I didn’t feel happy, however. Despite all my new friends, I felt lonely. I didn’t feel the sense of companionship like I did in the gifted program. My interests (Pokemon, Minecraft, smash bros, programming, music production, etc.) all began to feel old.

During this phase of my life, I met a girl who I could tell immediately had a crush on me. Initially, it didn’t seem any different than any other girl who had had a crush on me, but she eventually won me over. She was extremely quiet (whereas I acted more extroverted while cloaking) and was also autistic (but she didn’t cloak it.) She loved Pokemon. We got along very well, and I loved playing Pokemon with her. I felt happy again. A friend group formed with her and some other mutual friends in it, and I felt what I had been missing—my interests were rekindled, my needs for companionship were met, and I had someone who I felt understood me. She was terrible at communication and was really insecure, but I was pretty unbothered and helped her through it.

Months later, I began to realize that she had become manipulative, especially in regards to physical touch. I’d rather not get into details, for they’re not relevant to this vent, but I discovered through a friend that she cared about me for my body moreso than who I was; we still had an emotional bond, but it was less important to her. I didn’t know at the time, but she was a porn addict and manifested her issues onto me. As everything happened, I told most of the close friend group the details. The friend group remained the same, and despite the fact that I was completely heartbroken and spiraled into a state of depression for weeks, their (for most people in the group) loyalty felt great. This made me feel aware for the first time about how common objectification could be, simply just because I had experienced being attractive and unattractive. Being objectified hurts like hell.

Unfortunately, another breakup happened in the friend group. It was for similar reasons as to mine, and due to other issues, left the friend group to essentially being a group of three people, including me.

Nothing feels as fun anymore. I miss the childhood innocence and naivety I had. I miss having a big friend group. I miss enjoying new things. I miss feeling happy for long spans of time, and not just in short bursts. I miss being judged for the content of my character, and not my appearance. I miss when it was easy to trust. I miss when dating was only something I’d see in TV shows. I feel lonely. I have dozens of friends, but I miss the feelings of companionship I once had. Almost everyone around me thinks I’m happy. I miss how things were.

Sorry for the terrible writing, it’s very late and I’m half asleep lol

 

[testingnewstrat]

I had a really rough, no good 2025 so far and this year gave me perspective on one aspect of the human condition:

the chance and anarchy of life is really, really fucking scary

there's some logic behind it but for us with our limited human understanding, there may as well be none

I developed a lot of health anxiety and reading of certain conditions that just randomly pop up and kill people instantly without warning are absolutely terrifying to me. As rare as they may be, there's always a possibility of that shit occurring

I know get fully why religion is so calming for billions of people. the thought of a God or a system like karma giving some kind of sense to the chaos that we live in makes it so much more bearable, the idea of everything following some grand plan gives some kind of calmness in a world that gives us every reason to not be calm

seeing things cold and scientific, thinking that the chance and anarchy just kinda led to life itself and all that we feel and are is just some chemical bullshit is a lot scarier, the concept of "positive nihilism" does not work when you really try it because of it

idk man. maybe when I get older, I'll see some kind of logic to things

Idk if this will help you, but the thing that helped me with the idea of these illnesses is simple. If you have nihilistic, absurdist, or similar beliefs, then why should you fear death? If you get a sudden illness that kills you, you’ll die. After, according to most nihilistic takes, there’s a simple lack of consciousness. You don’t have anything to worry about. If you’re happy with your life, you won’t have to be upset; you were happy, and that’s what matters.

There’s no reason outside of human nature to be afraid of death. For me, I just try to enjoy life. If you’re getting the happy chemicals in your brain (and are being empathetic and making sure other people are getting the happy chemicals), aren’t you doing your job just fine?

Death is scary. I don’t mean to discredit how you feel. I went through similar thoughts as you, and while I can’t explain very well rn how I was able to stop being bothered by them, I can try my best to answer any questions for you if it’d be of any help.

 

[nitchenkightmares]

It is currently August 4th, 2025. I would consider myself a generally happy person, but that's starting to change given what's happening to the internet and the country of the USA right now.
If you didn't know, platforms such as YouTube and Spotify will now be inquisitive of users they think are under 18. If their AI algorithms think you're underage, you'll be barred from using their platform until you show them your government ID or drivers license...
It doesn't make any sense! Why would we EVER give these companies our license??? The secret, sinister motive behind this is that they want a name and face on every internet user from now on, and basically want to live I. 1984. It's just sickening to even think about and I've been unhappy for a week at this point. Combine that with censorship of games and art online, I think the internet goose is cooked. What will we do???
All summer I was thinking of ways to grow my channel on YouTube. The Mega man video i posted on june 22nd did major numbers, but now with this age verification shit I don't even feel like posting or making anymore content knowing all this.
It feels sad right? Being sad because the internet is going to shit? But no! I don't want this! No one wants this! I just want to give up. I don't want to live in this bleak future no more.

 

[bdt2002]

Today is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to wanting to throw in the towel and leave this community for good. I’m done always feeling like I’m wrong about everything and letting my autistic ADHD OCD brain be manipulated so easily regardless of if people are aware of what they’re doing. I’ve spoken about my mental wellness issues and my ongoing fight with my Pokémon addiction (and also my phone addiction) I’m willing to admit I have, and I really do think the sooner I get out of here and never look back, the higher chance there is I can maybe salvage some of my old self.

Trying to be better passionate about my long list of unpopular opinions was my first mistake. Trying to act like I ever belonged in this community was my second mistake. And we all know what happens at Strike Three. Today’s Pokémon Presents proved something to me. Not only will I feel like I’m being ridiculed or sometimes even mocked for bringing up what I felt in my heart are good, healthy points to mention, but even in the rare chance where I do know what the heck I’m talking about, it doesn’t amount to anything because I’m still miserable behind the scenes and get unusually upset with basically everything these days that I don’t agree with.

What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t trust myself, and I don’t think I can be trusted either. I’ve managed to convince myself and subsequently prove I’ll never be as mature or independent as other people want me to be. I don’t even know what I want out of my own life anymore. One thing’s for sure, continuing to waste my time and energy with this site will only stress me out more and more when that’s the last thing my depression needs. Because that’s all I am. An addicted, depressed mess of a human being whose quality of life is honestly really good but I struggle to appreciate any of it because I can’t help but keep complaining over and over and over again. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence anymore. I want to blame myself for letting myself get to this point. All of that because I wanted to feel like I belonged in a community. A real community.

I did this to myself, yes, but I also blame the Pokémon franchise and the Internet for allowing that to happen. I should have quit the franchise when I had the chance, but I felt peer pressured into getting the past two or three new games and did it all so other people would have someone to play and talk with. Think of it this way. What am I realistically gaining from posting anything anymore? Let alone posting this? I don’t want appreciated. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it. I’m not doing this for clicks or follows or anything. In fact, attention would only make me feel worse. The only purpose I serve in this community is trying to make people happy when I know deep down I’m just trying to be who I’ve always been. Someone who only cares about himself. Someone who has always caused more problems than I’ve helped to fix. Who told me I’m such a horrible person, you might ask? I did. This was all me. None of you ever told me any such lies. And I know my brain well enough to know that if or when someone tries to tell me what a good person I am, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. I’ve been told too many times I’m a bad listener, after all. And that’s true, too.

Do not ever try and tell yourself to come back from a break after not enough time. I tried to make today work for me, but very quickly after my actual work I ran into a problem. I will not disclose any details about the conversation that took place or who this was with, but I am not going to be here again for quite some time. I also worry that I may start guilt tripping myself again into coming back later. That’s what happened last time.

For years I’ve had a growing fear of upsetting people, and my plan for the last two weeks to rebrand myself as someone who wants to be a new, more positive person failed spectacularly. I do not think this person meant to upset me this much, and they likely don’t know I’m feeling this upset right now at all. This person taught me something. I cannot continue worry about what other people think of me to this unhealthy of an extent. I font think any of us want this kind of behavior to evolve into something that becomes more… severe, if you know what I mean. I would like to think I’m not that far gone but after the conversation that took place yesterday I don’t know what to think. Let’s just say that some people with depression have a hard time expressing their feelings and leave it at that.

I want to preface something when I say this. I appreciate your concern, and I don’t mean this in the “I won’t want your help” sense. I’m just scared that if I start making this sound more dramatic than I’m already making it sound, people might start thinking I want to do something I don’t want to. And this already happened once. Back in college there was a specific incident that’s been completely lost to my memory and somehow this led to a false rumor spreading about me wanting to harm myself. I know this rumor is false because not only am I… well, me, but to this day the source of the rumor was never told to me, and I’ve been graduated for over a year now.

Anything else I can say beyond this point is going to sound overly dramatic. So I’m not going to say anything else. I’m going to be upset with myself no matter what I say in this post. I already waited an entire night to post this and that was after editing and proofreading it.

 

[Swaylett]

(doing this on an alt to get around my shyness)

I don't want to do this anymore.

In the last month I have been on the verge on crying multiple times, even crashed out.
I was a very good player but now I play half as well as I did before this started.
I tried taking a break but I never went far as I had that feeling that I will be rusty and play even worse if I take a longer break.
I am one inch away from fully quitting this game and distancing myself from the community, but deep inside I really don't want to.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am writing it in an emotional state.
I wanted to get this off my chest as I was way too shy to share it with even my PS friends.

 

[bdt2002]

I know I said I wasn’t going to be here for a quite a while, and that’s still true, but I did want to stop by and talk about a certain social networking platform.

If one thing has become immediately obvious to me over the past few months, I’ve started realizing I actively hate Discord like the plague. But… not for the reasons you might expect. If you search “Is Discord addictive?” online, this is one of the first pictures you’ll see, and I post this to emphasize a point I want to make. My class graduated high school during the pandemic and the large, large majority of my friends as well as myself are all working now. In that sense, yeah, it tracks that my friends are all going to want to use Discord a lot more this decade (2020-pres.).

The problem starts when I recall that I worry far too much about what other people think of me. I wouldn’t quite say any of us are addicted to this platform in the traditional sense, but, what I will say is that I’ve felt and uncomfortable amount of pressure to “be online more often”, whatever that means, during periods of time when I’m extra busy and have other things I want and/or need to focus on. It’s not any of my friends peer pressuring me to get online, though, that’s the catch. It’s me having done it to myself all this time. To me, talking online with other people, as convenient as it can be sometimes, completely lacks this kind of… I guess you could call it “authenticity” you’re getting from “real” human interaction. From my experience, all this platform is, is a wasteful boredom sink of my time and energy that also happens to have a deceptively high safety risk behind it, but that’s beside the point.

For several different reasons, I don’t talk with a lot of my friends, and by a lot I mean basically all of them, nearly as much as I used to. I also know I’m scared of having that conversation with some of them that I probably should delete my Discord account permanently so as to avoid getting myself even more addicted. Because here’s the thing, right- I might not actually spend X amount of hours on the platform every day, but what I am doing is constantly checking to see who’s online and if I have any unread messages in an effort to see if anyone “cares” or not. That’s… not a good thing. I’ve already been told that what I had wanted to do- not have a smartphone- isn’t an option at the moment, so the next best solution to helping myself become a healthier person- notice I didn’t necessarily say “better”- seems to be getting rid of my online media connections in most forms. Which sucks, because I cannot emphasize this enough, my friends are not bad people! I would like to believe most of them have my best interests in mind. When we do things in person with each other it always turns out great! But when we do things online, it feels awkward and uncomfortable and I find myself having to dance around the fact that I just do not care for video games nearly as much as we used to, nor do I want to touch a single game in my backlog that any of them may want me to play just so they have “somebody else to play with”. (And they wonder why one of the guys only plays single player games now.)

---

(doing this on an alt to get around my shyness)

I don't want to do this anymore.

In the last month I have been on the verge on crying multiple times, even crashed out.
I was a very good player but now I play half as well as I did before this started.
I tried taking a break but I never went far as I had that feeling that I will be rusty and play even worse if I take a longer break.
I am one inch away from fully quitting this game and distancing myself from the community, but deep inside I really don't want to.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am writing it in an emotional state.
I wanted to get this off my chest as I was way too shy to share it with even my PS friends.

Escape while you still can. The more I’ve thought about it the more I try and stay away from the competitive side of the community with a ten foot pole. (I did say the phrase correctly, right?) “Escape” sounds like a bit of an extreme word, I get that, but if playing this game is making you feel these kinds of ways and you feel in your heart and your mind that the game and/or specific parts of the community are negatively affecting you, leaving is probably the best thing you could do in this case.

I want to not that just because you opt to leave doesn’t mean you’re a bad player. Take it from me- I’ve been calling myself a Mario Kart fan since the late 2000s, have played every game in the main series, and regularly run Time Trials in the newer installments, most recently in Mario Kart 7. However, the first time I finally got to go to a local LAN tournament scene for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe in 2023. I played absolutely horribly, so much so that I started questioning if it was because of my bottom tier build I was running or I was a lot worse at the game than I thought. My friends didn’t catch me doing it, but I was crying at one point and almost threatened to leave the venue just over halfway into the tournament.

The whole experience taught me something. For starters, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe’s meta is not balanced at all even after the patches. More importantly, though, I was letting a group of strangers I’ve never met in my life get into my head, and I was so focused on proving that I could be as good as I know I can play across the series that I lost sight of what made the games fun for me. I ended dropping 8 Deluxe entirely after my college graduation in 2024 and with World doing nothing to impress me even if the price was cheaper (in fact, this might be my least favorite game since Mario Kart 64), I don’t ever see myself getting back into the series nearly as much as I was “in my prime”, so to speak. But, you know what? For all the negative things I’ve said lately on this Smogon Forums account, quitting the games and the community is probably one of the best, most positive things I’ve done in a very long time and I’m way happier because of it.

 

[Local Dog]

I've gotten dumped quite a lot this year and it's becoming really depressing

I am secure enough to not let it affect my perception of myself but going on 9 dates within a year and none working out really has me bummed out

Like if it's a shitty date and it doesn't work out that's ok, but when I genuinely have fun and vibe with the person and it doesn't work because she's not over her ex, or didn't feel a spark or realised that she's in love with someone else, that just stinks man

 

[bdt2002]

I've gotten dumped quite a lot this year and it's becoming really depressing

I am secure enough to not let it affect my perception of myself but going on 9 dates within a year and none working out really has me bummed out

Like if it's a shitty date and it doesn't work out that's ok, but when I genuinely have fun and vibe with the person and it doesn't work because she's not over her ex, or didn't feel a spark or realised that she's in love with someone else, that just stinks man

Here’s a question I don’t think millions of people are ready to answer. Do you ever truly lose feelings for someone? Such a simple question and yet it says a lot about the complexity of the embarrassment we call “relationships”. I only say this because I myself don’t have this, but I’m glad at least one of us had that kind of personal security.

Me personally, I’d be giving up after the first two or three tries, and that’s being generous enough to assume I even want to schedule the darn thing. I mean this as a compliment- you’re definitely persistent. If someone can’t respect that about you, that’s on them, not you.

 

[Surmen6781]

Today is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to wanting to throw in the towel and leave this community for good. I’m done always feeling like I’m wrong about everything and letting my autistic ADHD OCD brain be manipulated so easily regardless of if people are aware of what they’re doing. I’ve spoken about my mental wellness issues and my ongoing fight with my Pokémon addiction (and also my phone addiction) I’m willing to admit I have, and I really do think the sooner I get out of here and never look back, the higher chance there is I can maybe salvage some of my old self.

Trying to be better passionate about my long list of unpopular opinions was my first mistake. Trying to act like I ever belonged in this community was my second mistake. And we all know what happens at Strike Three. Today’s Pokémon Presents proved something to me. Not only will I feel like I’m being ridiculed or sometimes even mocked for bringing up what I felt in my heart are good, healthy points to mention, but even in the rare chance where I do know what the heck I’m talking about, it doesn’t amount to anything because I’m still miserable behind the scenes and get unusually upset with basically everything these days that I don’t agree with.

What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t trust myself, and I don’t think I can be trusted either. I’ve managed to convince myself and subsequently prove I’ll never be as mature or independent as other people want me to be. I don’t even know what I want out of my own life anymore. One thing’s for sure, continuing to waste my time and energy with this site will only stress me out more and more when that’s the last thing my depression needs. Because that’s all I am. An addicted, depressed mess of a human being whose quality of life is honestly really good but I struggle to appreciate any of it because I can’t help but keep complaining over and over and over again. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence anymore. I want to blame myself for letting myself get to this point. All of that because I wanted to feel like I belonged in a community. A real community.

I did this to myself, yes, but I also blame the Pokémon franchise and the Internet for allowing that to happen. I should have quit the franchise when I had the chance, but I felt peer pressured into getting the past two or three new games and did it all so other people would have someone to play and talk with. Think of it this way. What am I realistically gaining from posting anything anymore? Let alone posting this? I don’t want appreciated. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it. I’m not doing this for clicks or follows or anything. In fact, attention would only make me feel worse. The only purpose I serve in this community is trying to make people happy when I know deep down I’m just trying to be who I’ve always been. Someone who only cares about himself. Someone who has always caused more problems than I’ve helped to fix. Who told me I’m such a horrible person, you might ask? I did. This was all me. None of you ever told me any such lies. And I know my brain well enough to know that if or when someone tries to tell me what a good person I am, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. I’ve been told too many times I’m a bad listener, after all. And that’s true, too.

Even though my recent days have been going okay, I just want to respond to you. I get you dude. Yesterday I went on a mass rambling session on r/stunfisk about a problem of mine on Smogon and I got ridiculed. I decided to take a hiatus from Pokémon (not really but i stopped stressing myself out) and to forget about the ordeal, I watched my favourite show, Home Movies. I feel like you'd like it, it shows someone (Brendon Small) being passionate and the problems he faces. If you don't have time, you can watch EmpLemon's video essay on it and you'd basically get the gist. And while I watched the show, a thought of mine with the voice of Coach McGuirk sparked: "No one cares about you Brendon, so you shouldn't talk about whatever sob story you have. Because Brendon, if you tell everyone your sob story and they agree, you'll get cocky and people will see you as a sob story dumper. But if they don't agree, you'll get even sobbier and tell more sob stories. Be right back Brendon, the stripper I bought is here". Basically; barely anyone cares about you but that means there will be people who adore you; who would listen to you even if an earthquake was going on. That was an exaggeration but you get what I mean. Also, there's a fine line between passion and addiction. I don't know the extent of your pokemon addiction but I'd like to help you out since I relate to you on most levels. If you want to open up more with me, give my discord account (surminader) a DM! Glad I could help! :)

 

[Krockodile]

This is my first time sharing my thoughts here because I need to express how lost and unfulfilled I feel in my life right now.
I feel like I have a lot of things in my life to be proud of, and yet I don’t feel happy. I want to get up early, be productive, lose weight, keep drawing, journal daily, and cook more. However, I struggle to find motivation: I end up scrolling through my phone, can’t make time to exercise or find healthy, affordable food, lack inspiration to draw beyond simple shapes, struggle to keep up my journaling habit, and have little energy to cook. In short, I feel very little satisfaction in my life.

Sometimes, it feels like I struggle just to smile. When my family tells me to smile more, and I say something like “Smiling with your teeth feels strange” or “I can only smile if it comes from the heart,” it sometimes feels like my words vanish into thin air. They might see it as a joke, but inside, it stings to feel misunderstood or dismissed.

I keep thinking about asking for help, but I feel lost about who to turn to, and the very idea of finding someone seems impossible when I can't even drive myself anywhere. Even if I did manage to reach out, worry creeps in that my family might find out, which fills me with anxiety. There are online options, but I keep hearing they aren't as comforting as talking to someone face-to-face.

I’m not even sure whether I have the right to feel this way, even though I don’t truly understand what depression is. I have supportive and helpful parents (though they can be stressful at times), some friends (though we don’t talk often), a good job, a solid degree, and opportunities to travel with family. And yet, I still don’t feel happy. If I share how I feel, I worry people will dismiss it by saying others have it worse or that I just lack motivation. I understand they want to help, but it feels like my feelings aren’t being acknowledged.

All I want is to feel truly happy, to wake up excited for a day where I’ve actually created something or enjoyed what I love—whether it’s drawing, cooking, or even playing music. The fear of never reaching that happiness haunts me. I worry that if things don’t change, I’ll simply drift through fifty years of the same routines, retire, and fade away, never having felt truly proud. That emptiness terrifies me.

I would write more about how it possibly came to this or more about my life, but I already feel tired writing this. Maybe I’ll make an update on the post someday.

 

[Rei]

Hi people. I just feel a bit overwhelmed atm and dunno who to reach out to. I been very depressed over the last month or two with life that keeps on giving me punches without much chances to recover. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years over telling him im willing to adopt kids but i will not be birthing any due to trauma that stems from sexual assault around 7 years ago that makes having sex irl hard. Then my parents piling on me to find a full time job (i have a part time job rn 20-30 hours a week) or I get kicked out in december but I cant seem to find the motivation to even start searching because I dont see a way out of the cage I am trapped in of my parents house since they limit how much I can do irl and i been a online hermit since then. I do mean limit by taking my phone when I get home from work since I work nights, cant go anywhere dispite my car is mine and its my money that is being used for gas, and have robbed me of many irl events that a normal 27 year old would have experienced by now and it makes dating irl a hellish expeirence that I dont feel like dragging anyone into since any of my irl relationships usually end once my parents ruin it for me since they wont allow me to go on dates. I do not talk to my family when im home unless its dinner time to avoid conflict since I do not get along with em and know anything I ask for or need advice for isnt going to end well. They have my debit card so I cant even spend my own money. I have no friends to speak of, I rarely check discord anymore since I do not see the point of doing so when I have no friends irl or online rn. I am just unsure how to move forward right now. Im tired of living this life that has no meaning, I know this is abuse at home.....but I have no way to escape it and know that gaming my whole time I am home is not healthy for me even if its escapism from my reality. Then my dog is nearing the end of his life, but my family will not put him down dispite being in pain all the time. I am going to the doctor trrw but I have been expericing breast pain for over a week now and I am getting scared that something is wrong. I just want friends again, love again from someone but there is no one here for me, everyone leaves me, uses me, and abandons me. I feel so numb right now....all I want to do is not wake up trrw so I can finally be free and in peace in heaven.

 

[testingnewstrat]

Hi people. I just feel a bit overwhelmed atm and dunno who to reach out to. I been very depressed over the last month or two with life that keeps on giving me punches without much chances to recover. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years over telling him im willing to adopt kids but i will not be birthing any due to trauma that stems from sexual assault around 7 years ago that makes having sex irl hard. Then my parents piling on me to find a full time job (i have a part time job rn 20-30 hours a week) or I get kicked out in december but I cant seem to find the motivation to even start searching because I dont see a way out of the cage I am trapped in of my parents house since they limit how much I can do irl and i been a online hermit since then. I do mean limit by taking my phone when I get home from work since I work nights, cant go anywhere dispite my car is mine and its my money that is being used for gas, and have robbed me of many irl events that a normal 27 year old would have experienced by now and it makes dating irl a hellish expeirence that I dont feel like dragging anyone into since any of my irl relationships usually end once my parents ruin it for me since they wont allow me to go on dates. I do not talk to my family when im home unless its dinner time to avoid conflict since I do not get along with em and know anything I ask for or need advice for isnt going to end well. They have my debit card so I cant even spend my own money. I have no friends to speak of, I rarely check discord anymore since I do not see the point of doing so when I have no friends irl or online rn. I am just unsure how to move forward right now. Im tired of living this life that has no meaning, I know this is abuse at home.....but I have no way to escape it and know that gaming my whole time I am home is not healthy for me even if its escapism from my reality. Then my dog is nearing the end of his life, but my family will not put him down dispite being in pain all the time. I am going to the doctor trrw but I have been expericing breast pain for over a week now and I am getting scared that something is wrong. I just want friends again, love again from someone but there is no one here for me, everyone leaves me, uses me, and abandons me. I feel so numb right now....all I want to do is not wake up trrw so I can finally be free and in peace in heaven.

I promise you. It does eventually get better. I know it feels impossible to escape, but you are stronger than you know.

As someone who has had issues with sexual harassment, lack of friends, dying pets, and similar experiences, all I can say is that each day you push is something to celebrate.

Around a week ago, my best friend abandoned me for my ex (who traumatized me and completely disrespected my consent). I can’t speak for everyone, but the thing that has always helped me most in these situations was pouring myself into distractions; I exercised more, I tried to work more, if I was in school I focused heavily on that.

Each day is a roller coaster. There’s so many ups and downs to go through. But just like a roller coaster, each feeling eventually comes to an end. If you hold on, you’ll fell better sometimes, eventually better overall. And things will hurt, but you’ll get better.

For the past few days, I’ve felt unfulfilled and useless. I’ve woken up early in the morning, and sometimes cried myself back to sleep. But the week before that, I was doing the best I had in months. It’s a pendulum, swinging back and forth. Continue to endure. You matter, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

 

[bdt2002]

It has now been a week since I tried hosting my yearly Pokémon centric event where I temporarily rebrand my online profiles around a different Pokémon. I can’t completely remember if I’ve gone over this here in this thread just yet, but the 7th this year was… uh… not great? Save for one or two posts here and there, I pretty much scrapped the entire plan the immediate next day. The name change (for YouTube and Discord, not here), the profile pictures, the new content I can’t actually post anyway because the game I had in mind isn’t even out yet, the whole ordeal. I apologize if it sounds like I’m repeating myself over and over again.

Since then, I’ve only posted a handful of times total at all on this site and only just started using YouTube comments and our Discord servers again within the past day or two. This thread is in need of some positivity, though, and I think I’ve finally had enough time to “recover” for lack of a better word and, through looking at things from a different perspective, I think it’s helped me out a lot.

August the 7th, in my heart, is probably always going to be that stupid Pokémon holiday I made for myself. But a close friend of mine said it best. It was something along these lines: it was a bad day that just happened to fall on “Espeon Day”. I hadn’t thought about it like that. And while I am probably going to end up cutting a lot of unnecessary negativity out of my life in other areas, I do think I want to give me being here on this site with you guys one more shot. And this time I just want to be myself and get rid of all the distractions.

On the note of distractions and things that make me happy, here’s a cool picture of a desktop fan I found quite some time ago now. Thought this might help put a smile on your face like it did mine.

 

[KJ]

CW: self-harm/suicidial thoughts

I have never done this and I dont know what to say, so I am sorry.
Since I have no place as to post to or people to talk to, I just want to say that this is the first time I spiralled so out of control that I tried to do self harm (saved by the sharpest object in my office being a fork) and had a 3 second suicidial thought about crashing my bike at 30mph into a curb.
I dont think I would have done anything, but it was quite scary.
I am now safe and calm and will feel fine in the morning, just want to scream in the void.
The worst thing is my therapist has cancelled the last 2 meetings because 1) he was sick (fair) and 2) the system fucked up (not his fault) and now I wont see him for 5 weeks because im out of the country.
A lot of past and new trauma has resurfaced, all of which are in some way related to this website.
A few people have directly hurt me, but more have allowed people to hurt me, have enabled them or didnt stop them.
For the people that are worried, not one single person caused this, dont feel guilty or bad, its not your fault.
It is a lot of built up trauma from previous incidents, having the bottle them up otherwise others will get hurt and not dealing with them properly.
I know I am overthinking everything and that it is not that bad, but currently it does seem that bad to me.
I will still be active in my teams, the hosting I have signed up for and other commitments on this website.
But I need to take a break from the social side of smogon to recover.

 

[Baby Magmar]

It has now been a week since I tried hosting my yearly Pokémon centric event where I temporarily rebrand my online profiles around a different Pokémon. I can’t completely remember if I’ve gone over this here in this thread just yet, but the 7th this year was… uh… not great? Save for one or two posts here and there, I pretty much scrapped the entire plan the immediate next day. The name change (for YouTube and Discord, not here), the profile pictures, the new content I can’t actually post anyway because the game I had in mind isn’t even out yet, the whole ordeal. I apologize if it sounds like I’m repeating myself over and over again.

Since then, I’ve only posted a handful of times total at all on this site and only just started using YouTube comments and our Discord servers again within the past day or two. This thread is in need of some positivity, though, and I think I’ve finally had enough time to “recover” for lack of a better word and, through looking at things from a different perspective, I think it’s helped me out a lot.

August the 7th, in my heart, is probably always going to be that stupid Pokémon holiday I made for myself. But a close friend of mine said it best. It was something along these lines: it was a bad day that just happened to fall on “Espeon Day”. I hadn’t thought about it like that. And while I am probably going to end up cutting a lot of unnecessary negativity out of my life in other areas, I do think I want to give me being here on this site with you guys one more shot. And this time I just want to be myself and get rid of all the distractions.

On the note of distractions and things that make me happy, here’s a cool picture of a desktop fan I found quite some time ago now. Thought this might help put a smile on your face like it did mine.

View attachment 764156

Hey man, I just read all of your posts on this page and I really think you need a break from the internet. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. It just sounds like you're spiraling and it doesn't seem like you've given a real break a real shot.

 

[bdt2002]

Hey man, I just read all of your posts on this page and I really think you need a break from the internet. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. It just sounds like you're spiraling and it doesn't seem like you've given a real break a real shot.

I think what always gets me coming back is the fact that to me it never felt like spiraling, at least until recently. I’ve always a history over-complicating things and I’ve had people recommend both sides. I’ve had people like yourself suggest I should take a break but I’ve also had about the same number tell me talking to people online more is a good idea so as to help me get back to my usual, more social self.

I don’t take offense to your post or your opinion, don’t worry. Everyone’s allowed to have theirs, after all. Pertaining to this platform, I joined Smogon in what was a continued effort at the time during the late 2010s to feel like I actually belonged into some kind of community. Going into the new decade I stayed for as long as I have because I just really like talking to people online here. For all of the problems me being online too much has caused, it’s also helped a lot, too. Not to mention I also really like writing and this felt like a way for me to sort of “expand” upon that, if that makes sense.

This summer has been especially challenging for me because of the lack of consistent routine and communication going on behind the scenes. For quite some time now I’ve been catching myself doing and saying things so don’t normally do, but a lot of that has consciously been my decision. I like having control and understanding over everything, but sometimes that’s just not realistic, and I feel like my fears of free will and making choices have gotten in my way so much now that I just want to feel understood.

 

[Krockodile]

Maybe I’ll make an update on the post someday.

Lately, I've been worried that I've become apathetic. I feel like I don't care or check up on my friends or family to see how they're doing or holding up, or just talk to them like everyone else does, apparently. I'm worried that I might end up a really terrible and selfish person. I also feel like I don't want to have any birthday parties, mostly because I don't care about having them and perhaps would be better off alone, even if some people want me to host one. I don't even feel like going to my Church because I feel like I don't learn anything from there, I only go there because my parents do.

I'm not proud of where I am. I'm worried that I might continue to underperform at my job while everyone else advances, and that I am losing pleasure and motivation to do things I enjoy, such as playing video games. I'm also not motivated to get my driving license because I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not much else. Doesn't help that I have anxiety and no self-esteem.

I want to know how people exactly look forward to their day and be happy about it, because I really struggle to do that. All I do is just hope for the week to pass, and hopefully I can relax on the weekend.
Sorry if I'm not clearer in my thoughts. I'm struggling to put my many thoughts into words right now, and I don't want to provide any more details that might reveal my real identity.

 

[Krockodile]

Lately, I've been worried that I've become apathetic. I feel like I don't care or check up on my friends or family to see how they're doing or holding up, or just talk to them like everyone else does, apparently. I'm worried that I might end up a really terrible and selfish person.

Part of the reason is that if I do have depression or another similar illness (I'm honestly not sure), I might use it as an excuse to make myself more miserable despite my privilege, or just use it as an excuse against other people. For instance, if I don't want to join a social event, or if I don't want to do anything I don't want to do, or if I end up being an a-hole to anyone.

There might be other minor things that might have caused by downspiral in my mood, but I probably haven't mentioned them because either I have repressed in unconciously, forgotten, or more worried about other stuff that's ahead of me.

 

[Ortheore]

Part of the reason is that if I do have depression or another similar illness (I'm honestly not sure), I might use it as an excuse to make myself more miserable despite my privilege, or just use it as an excuse against other people. For instance, if I don't want to join a social event, or if I don't want to do anything I don't want to do, or if I end up being an a-hole to anyone.

There might be other minor things that might have caused by downspiral in my mood, but I probably haven't mentioned them because either I have repressed in unconciously, forgotten, or more worried about other stuff that's ahead of me.

It's better to do something rather than nothing, it sounds like you'd benefit a lot from talking to someone. As far as making excuses goes, one of the first things a psychologist should do is push you to do things you know you'll enjoy, even if you don't feel like it. Even when you come up with excuses, a lot of the time they can be dismantled with logic.

Another big factor is that if you don't do the thing (social event or whatever), what are you going to be doing instead? My experience is that if when I skip out on things due to being depresso or whatever, whatever I do instead (e.g. doomscrolling, playing the same games over and over again) is likely to a) be a waste of time and b) either doesn't make me feel better, or actually makes things worse. Things could be different for you, but that's a powerful factor to consider imo.